Thursday, February 23, 2017

I got to call #45 a racist bully on TV!

So I hadn't left the house since Sunday. I fly tomorrow and I am trying to shake a cold. I colored my hair today and need to buy some false eyelashes. So I put big sunglasses on my sick makeup less face and I put my daughters silly hat with a Pom Pom over my wet hair and I went out. It felt great to walk around on this beautiful spring day!

Outside my door are all these barricades. Thy put them up when ever there is going to be a parade or protest. Uh oh. We have an early flight and have to get our kids into safe hands in the morning and we certainly don't need any delays. I am not a morning person, and can barely get to the airport on time with no delays. So I asked a doorman if he knew what was up. But alas he was wondering the same thing. Then I saw an eyewitness news truck, so I walked over to get the scoop and they told me that it was a protest against #45 overturning Obamas order regarding transgender kids getting to use the bathroom of their chosen gender.

Yay! I said. And as I walked away they asked my position on the matter. I told them yay that there is a protest. Boo to 45's ruling. Then they asked if they could interview me. It look a split second to decide, looking so goofy but feeling so passionately, if I should go on the record and on camera....of course. And I said ok but I look terrible. They kindly lied and said no you don't, you look like a New Yorker. Good answer....

I am not the most articulate when put on the spot, but I did ok.

I talked for 5 or 7 minutes about how irresponsible it is to mess with the standard Obama set up. How transgender kids are struggling enough and don't need to have more on their plate, like worrying about feeling unsafe or uncomfortable or being put in an unsafe position. They need role models who say we support your choice and we want to keep you safe. Then I got to say that 45 was a racist bully who hated everyone but white men, and how I would use the same word as Maxine Waters but it was network. The crew loved everything I said. I don't know what they will air, if anything, or when, but if I am on, it will be on eyewitness news this evening. I may not get the chance to watch, so if you see it, let me know. You may not recognize me in my silly hat and shades, but I am told I have a memorable voice! Ha!

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Home sick

This post is not as boring as I think, right?

This is always part of the story. The crash, right when things are urgent, right when I am down to the wire, things to do, places to be blah blah blah.

It was inevitable.

Since getting back from London, I have been under the weather. I spent two solid days in bed and then I thought I was ok enough to go back to the grind. We had a birthday party for the kids on the weekend and me and the kids really felt beat up after it. But I ate some chocolate and went about my day...

I am a sensitive being. I don't drink or smoke or do caffeine, I rarely do sugar and I barely take anything stronger than an occasional aspirin if I am not feeling well. I am like this mainly because I am so sensitive so any substance, they all hit me hard and take a toll. But alas, there are hectic periods where I get really crazy and I USE LIKE AN ADDICT. Yep, I started using chocolate to get through the day and it worked for a while, gave me the energy to continue on, but like any drug, ultimately it kicked my ass and now I still have the cold, only worse, and I am down for the count.

I finally surrendered to being sick, mainly because I need to get well. We are all stuck at home for day # 3 now. I have not written because basically it is boring and I have little to say.

What else can I say? I am not working out, and I am accepting that my clingy dress won't look as good as I had planned. Oh well, fuck it. What else can I say, have a ton to do and I can't . Fuck it.

Today, we are all stir crazy and I have done everything under the sun with these kiddos and it is only 1 pm and no relief is coming. I couldn't get any help today so I am here with the gang and plum out of ideas. I feel like Vito Spatafore from the Sopranos. Remember him? One of my favorite all time episodes was when he tried to run from the family and he got a regular job and he was counting seconds hoping time had passed and he would look at the clock and it would be hours earlier than he had hoped. That's me! Ha! It's only 1 pm. I was sure it was 2:30. Anyway, I will get through the day and I will get to LA for the weekend, head cold be dammed. Oh, the glamour.

I am sure the lead up to the oscars two years ago looked very similar. You can only burn the candle at both ends for so long....

Much love, xxxmommy holly

Sunday, February 19, 2017

The lead up

so we are off to the academy awards on Friday morn, for a big weekend of events. I am still recovering from London. We had a joint birthday party for the kids this weekend, the house looks like a tornado hit and everyone in the family has been hit with a low grade fever that becomes a higher one for one night. It all seems emotionally connected, but indeed we have all been sick and are hopefully recovering. I am eating raw garlic regularly and smell like a....well like a piece of cut up raw garlic.
There is no school for either kid this week, so I have no time to run errands. i have a lot of planning to do for childcare etc, but luckily my sister is being a saint and helping in a monumental way. I could not do it without her. And the kids adore her, so as much as they miss us, they have a great time.

I don't know what to say really. I have lots and lots of responsibilities that can't be passed on to anyone else. The point of my life used to be to hustle everything and have no responsibilities. It was fun. Now I am a responsible contributor and participant, which is grand. There are days when I would love to go back, just for a few days or a few hours, but that is not possible. I accept. Life is amazing. I let 8 kids play with my make up yesterday. They wrecked everything. I wasn't uptight. That is a victory.

There is no point here. I am rambling, just typing. I will leave by urging you all to see the films nominated for best doc, primarily the ones that deal with race in America- OJ Made in America, 13th, and I Am Not a Your Negro. If you are reading me for the vicarious thrill and not the politics, I extra urge you to leave your comfort zone and watch theses three films. Let's talk about them. Change your mind and heart, educate yourself, be part of the solution, it is so attractive.
Love love love, xh

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Holy hell, let's get deep

so, as lovely as I am, I am freaked out that I will be hitting the bloaty part of the month on Oscar night. (Yep I am still fertile). So my lovely dress, which is rather clingy scares me. I set up an appointment to have an alternate dress made for me yesterday, but the only day we could do it in time would be to begin today and then I woke with a fevered kid and couldn't get to the appointment. (There was another road block too, which cemented the letting it go). I took it to mean: stop stressing and wearing the dress I have, even if I have a fat stomach sticking out. Not ideal, but there comes a point where you have to give up the perfection, hope for the best, and deal with whatever comes down the pike. That is what a human does. Back in the day, I used to be underground super legend, so I  can still set my expectations to the non human standards, aiming for perfection and accepting nothing less. Alas, that luxury is long gone, which is a blessing, but not very ego stroking.

The whole Oscar thing is a dance between that old perfectionist with her ego and this modern mom with her limitations; desire and detachment. It is not a comfortable place for me. It takes practice, constant practice to dance on the edge, but keep it real; buy into and enjoy the fantasy and staying grounded. It is uncomfortable because it is slippery, tricky, and there is a sneaky mind confusing element in there. Does that ring a bell? If I wasn't so good at acceptance and surrender, I would be in for a real ass kicking. Somehow, because I am forced to live very much in reality, it eventually frees me to truely take the whole spectacle with a grain of salt and enjoy it for what it is worth. Does that make any sense to y'all?

It reminds me of back in the 90's, when I went around looking flawless to myself on a daily basis and then I had a rude emotional awakening that rocked the hell out of my world and I couldn't get out of bed. I got sucker punched by my own psyche, and slammed head first into another dimension, the demention where the universe says wake the fuck up and deal with the wreckage that fuels everything about you. Do you follow?

I recall one day leaving the house completely naked, emotionally speaking. I looked like the fragile wreck that I was. And a friend saw me and she reacted with hysterical laughter. She wasn't the nicest person, but she wasn't laughing at me, she was just laughing at how very fast everything changed, how my life had been upended in one day and how very visual my emotional wreckage was.

I thank god for that tornado that changed everything, otherwise I would still be living on the very surface of life, missing the beautiful depth.

There is this thing about external validation that tricks you into believing in false idols. Do you feel me? The ideal is to allow it all, take it all in, but to stay grounded in the process. That art makes all the difference in terms of your fate. That which remains unconscious manifests as destiny, right?  You gotta feel the feelings if you want to steer your own ship. Right on!

I still hope my stomach isn't fat and sticking out, but whatever. ( ps, not you, dear reader, but everyone else...please refrain from the " wear a girdle" comments, that is so besides the point ). Eternal surrender my friends, again and again, every day.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Swag and sleep, if you are interested

So two transatlantic flights and one all-nighter over the course of  three days and here is the aftermath: we got back to our room around 5 and had to pack all of our stuff up plus around 40 new lbs of swag, including a Carl Lagerfeld Chanel book, rose smelling lotions, cappuccino cups, a haul of chocolate, perfume, two journals, a few souvenirs and whatever I am forgetting. The champaign had to be gifted.

By the time we fit it all into our carry-ons (I avoid checking at all costs) and got ourselves presentable enough, we went down for breakfast and awaited our car. I slept at the breakfast table; I stumbled into the car and slept for an hour; and had just enough energy to get through security and get on the plane. I was asleep before we took off and woke, 7 hours later, to eat a snack and watch tv in my lovely bed seat, having some tea and crackers with jam while cuddled up with my pillow and blanket. Not bad.

Then it was ON: we were home and I was in full mom mode. Hanging out, giving gifts, going out for ice cream because it was my daughters birthday(!). Somehow, I got everyone fed and to bed and I went to bed at 11 and slept till 7:30. After I got everyone off to school I went back to bed for another 4 hours and one hour of reading in bed. That alarm was one of the hardest of my life. But I got up, what choice did I have? After rounding everyone up I let the kids watch tv, which is super rare on a weekday, and I slept another hour, then we ate dinner and I got them into bed and fell asleep with the them around 8 pm. I think that was the first time I have ever done that.

I hold very precious the few hours after they go to sleep and I get to have a calm clear mind and my life to myself more or less. I really need that space each and every day, but alas, the grandness of sleeping for 11 1/2 hours just might be better. Not sure. Anyway, it wasn't a choice. I woke in there for about for two minutes and stumbled into my bed and was out till 7:30am. I got everyone off to school and stayed in bed again, reading and getting another hour of sleep before picking them up today.

That puts me at sleeping for 33.5 hours and resting for another 7 (40.5 total) in the last 54 hours. I need to that more. I also happened to have a low grade fever and a stuffed nose.

Alas, the price we pay! I am so lucky to have been able to rest up after everything. I haven't had the little guy in school before October, so past events, gigs and vacations have never come with a resting period, which is so very necessary. Life is great what can I say other than...

What a drag it is getting old. But not that much of a drag that I won't be doing it all over again in a week and a half in LA. See you there, babies!

Monday, February 13, 2017

7 years ago

Alas, seven years ago, feb 13th fell on a Saturday. My oldest turned 7 today. She is amazing. Me and my husband were in London for the weekend, which was my first weekend away since she was born! Ha! Anyway, we came home today, intime for the birthday. It was so very lovely to see her face for the first time those seven years ago. And so lovely to see it this afternoon, when we got back. It was such an honor to get to take her home. I am so very lucky to have the family I worker really hard to create.  I am too exhausted to say more. Life is very very good to me. Much gratitude. Xh

Sunday, February 12, 2017


just another average morning in london, i got to sit around and have breakfast with a lovely crew of bafta nominees and talk about film and the importance of women in punk bands and in bands in general.

hair and makeup is dropping by shortly. not sure it if i will post after the event to night...................

i didn't look perfect, but i just went with it, didn't stress.

the show was really really fun. tom didn't win, but that is par for the course. you can't always win. it was great that tom was nominated and that the film did so well.

lots political speeches and the vibe was all about the resistance.

the royal family was there, which was interesting, kate and william. we sat 4th row center. they were pretty close. someone in our party clapped when they entered, and someone whispered, "no, you are not supposed to clap!" but it was too late because all of the americans in the room had already started  clapping. faux pas.

13th won best doc!! this is so important, such an important film which need to be seen by everyone.

we went to the harvey weinstein party and it was great fun. there was a room full of chocolate fountains, marshmallows, parisian macaroons, and an assortment of other pastries. it was like walking into a free bakery/candy shop. take anything eat about decadent!

there is always alcohol everywhere free and abundant. i don't really drink, but it is there. i got delicious elixers and non alcohol treats.

i got to dance next to dev patel, who was very gracious. i got to  talk with the two brilliant actors from I, Daniel Blake, i got to compliment viola davis, whose speech  made me sob to the point of messing up my face, oh well- feeling in more important than tidiness everytime. i have a few other great run ins and am staying up all night on adrenalin. great party great town. i heart london.

see you tomorrow, which is in a few hours, back in mommy mode. i miss those babies!!!!