Thursday, April 3, 2014


oh my, where to begin? i am a mom again, for the second time. that was the plan, the dream. it is an incredible feeling to achieve a dream goal.

so the journey was not written about here because of etiquette. like with first trimester pregnancy and in vitro fertilization, adoption is a shaky prospect. nothing is a sure bet. the prevailing thought is to refrain from talking about it because the disappointment that may happen is very real. during my first round of in vitro I told people about my process and then I had to deal with my miscarriage, the stark emptiness of having no baby at the end of all that hard work and spent money, and then having to explain my devastation to all these well-meaning hopeful smiling faces asking, “how’s it going?” dreadful. so I learned to tell a confidant or two and otherwise hold my tongue until there indeed was a baby. As you might imagine, this was hard for me, storyteller, feeling-processor, and bloggermouth.
now I get to tell you. a couple chose us to adopt their baby. the due date was in four weeks. after much planning and many expenses, the due date was on hand and we were notified that they had changed their minds. one reason to  not tell everyone about your possible adoption, or even set up a nursery or stock up on supplies, is to keep you from attaching to a baby that is not yet yours and may never be. the concept makes sense but the reality is that it is hard not to attach to a house you are trying to buy. a baby you are dreaming of raising means the world to you, no matter the circumstances. so yes, when we “lost” “our” baby a few days before he was due, the grief was the same as with my miscarriages.
that adoption had seemed meant to be. we had been ready to adopt with our agency for over a year and I had not felt much longing. then one day I felt completely ready for our second child. every cell said “where is our child?” that same afternoon, we got the call that we had been chosen and that the baby was due in a month! it all seemed so perfect, auspicious, meant. the timing was ideal, could not have been better. And then it was gone. we were the same as before, nothing had changed except for the palpable emptiness of no baby coming. devastation.
several days later it was suggested that i go to the park and lie under a tree, to let the earth absorb some of my sadness. once there I found myself having a conversation with the baby. I have experiences like this all the time. It did not freak me out. I said “I really wanted you baby. I am here for you, ready.” someone spoke back to me, saying that he was really trying to get to me, wanted to get to me and was ready. I did not know what would happen. I wondered if the people who had changed their mind would change it back. I was not about to hold my breath and wait. I sobbed from the bottom of my heart and felt better.
several days later I was given a massage. I needed it more than I knew. I slept for the next twelve hours.  when I woke I felt like a new person. I felt that I had released all of my grief and I felt ready to move ahead in acceptance of life. I was ready to be a mother to our second child and I could let go of the fact that it “was supposed to have happened last week". I could handle the mystery of waiting until it did happen, whether that was in a month or a year or whenever. urg. I did not like it but I could do it.
the next day we got a call that a baby had been born two days ago and if we wanted to adopt him, we needed to get to the hospital.  we dropped everything and went. we were at the hospital for 9 hours and went home that very same evening at midnight with our son.
if you look back at my blog, you can see the story there in the subtext of all of my posts, because, I have to get it out one way or another. not sure how much I will be writing in the upcoming months, maybe still once a week. we will find out, won’t we? miracles abound in this magical life of ours. ttyl.

Monday, March 17, 2014


The women’s liberation movement. I was there! I remember being a kid in the car and driving past a woman and my mother saying to my father “she’s not wearing a bra,” as if it were newsworthy. There were women on TV burning their bras. I saw it happen. Women were sick of the confines and restrictions. They rejected the old ways. Things changed. I grew up in a braless world. My experience was that women’s bodies were casual real free normal human.
When did it all change back? When did not wearing a bra become a big deal again? When did women’s bodies become obscene if not perfect and  slim and hoisted and girded and hairless. Yikes.
Wear a bra if you want and don’t if you don’t. This is a much bigger issue. I am just saying… thank you to all of the female artists out there who are changing the world, showing images of women that look different from the status quo, allowing humanness to be seen and heard, portraying women of all shapes and colors and sizes dressed and undressed as just the way it is, because IT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS. Thank you to all of the women out in the world who are just being them selves. Do your thing. Be yourself. Love yourself. Change the world.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Fire Horse.

Chinese astrology says that once every sixty years the year of the horse aligns with the element of fire and the fire horses are born. Woman born under the fire horse sign are doomed, as this particular marking was thought to be ruinous. The truth is that many parents killed their fire horse daughters rather than see them set up to live a doomed life or allow them to wreck the family. Women born under the fire horse sign have been persecuted throughout history. I think part of the doom was that they were unmarriable, but also that they were rebellious and would bring about the destruction of their family.
I was a fire horse, a woman with a ruinous birth date. I loved having that marking. I embrace my cursed qualities of being hot, alive, wild, and free. I understood being the scapegoat, being abandoned, bearing the cross. I carried the baggage of my birth proud and strong, fiercely, with attitude. I dare you to get in my way, or even come near, bla bla bla.
Then I found out that the Chinese New Year starts on the 25th of January and I was born on the 7th. I am not a fire horse after all. Everything else about me was still the same and true, but I was no longer doomed because of my birth date. Oh.
Which reminds me of what a fortuneteller once told me as she read the lines on my hands at 28. “Oh, you have a rare line. I forget what that means... let me look it up. Oh yes, success after 40.” I could not bare it, could not tolerate the sentence, which oddly enough came true. But the really cool thing she said was that even the lines on your hand are not set in stone. If you change, use your hands differently than you always have, new lines will form, old lines will fade. In the end I am not a big believer in astrology or hand readings, it is all interesting, but none of it is running my life. The bigger idea here is that it is all changeable. Our histories are transformable, our stories are not the be all end all. It ain't where you're from, its where you're at. Everything is in our power to manifest. All transformation is possible. Happy travels, my friends.

Saturday, March 8, 2014


This is an embarrassingly funny one. Hopefully tragedy plus time equals comedy
Back in the early 90’s when riot grrrr and grunge and all that stuff were all the rage, my band FUR was in the limelight and we would get all kinds of attention and publicity. We did not have a manager or a publicist, but all kinds of invitations would come in. We were reviewed in AP and we were photographed for and profiled in Interview magazine. Paper Magazine sent Terry Richardson to photograph us; we were his first photo shoot for Paper. We even got called to be in a famous designer’s fashion show. It was a glamorous fun time.
The funny thing about the fashion show was that I had been in cool underground fashion shows before, so it was nothing new to be called by the daughter of a famous designer who invited us down to be “poleroided” for a fashion show. We went.
A week or so later we found out that the show had happened and had included other bands and we had never even been contacted. I was horrified at the rejection and proceeded to call up the famous person’s daughter and angrily demanded to know why we were asked to get out of bed and come down to her office and then not put in  the show.  I had a point but the poor thing did not know what hit her and  stutteringly explained that that was how the business worked, that models came to casting calls and were chosen or not. I explained to her that if she were going to call non-models in their homes that she needed to make it clear that they were being invited to audition. I added that I would never have gotten out of bed for in the first place had I known, which was true, but I added it to make sure to get my rejection of her on record. She apologized and got off the phone real quick.
The truth is that the famous designer's daughter did need to communicate better but also that they didn’t want my brand of cool in their show, they wanted girls in bands who looked like models. I did not like the set up- to not even know I was auditioning, and then to be rejected, for something I did not even want. And I also did not like the rejection. Rejection never feels good, no matter what the details.
It reminded me of this one time I was with this guy after a Greendoor party. We met in the swimming pool when we were having the parties on 1st street (NYC). I had little interest in him, he was just a guy at the party to have some fun with, and he probably knew it. When we parted ways, he   gave me a weird break up speech, saying that he was new in town and did not want a commitment. As if!!!! I was horrified by his assumption and yet I still felt the pinch of his rejection. Alas, to be young...
Things change. What I have learned in this long life of mine that rejection is never never personal and always always for the best. As they say Rejection is God’s protection. Keep your chin up, Holly Ramos. Thank you world.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Lupita and Marlon Brando

Lupita Nyong’o is a princess. She is the walking definition is grace. I am in awe of her presence. She is so eloquent and intelligent and compassionate and human. Woweee talk about a role model. Her Oscar speech was lovely. Her Essence Awards speech is even better, as it shows who she is to an even greater degree. I am thrilled that she exists as she is an inspiration for me. Her beautiful presence in film and at the Oscars and in life in general is so strong and needed. Bravo.
I remember hearing about Marlon Brando’s rejection of the Oscar back in the day and hearing it dismissed and laughed off. I just watched an interview with him from that time period about his decision and he was so cool. His reasoning, you probably know but incase you don’t, was that Hollywood’s portrayal of Native Americans was unacceptable and it hurt people, particularly children, who need to see themselves mirrored. The only mirroring Native children were seeing in the media was negative and he spoke of the damage that that does. Having a star of such magnitude bring awareness to that issue was amazing, yet many people, in the industry and not, mocked him.
We all need to see ourselves mirrored in a positive light. Thank you to everyone who fights that fight in their large and small ways, thank you to everyone who manifests their value in big and beautiful ways in the media, and those who support the positive portrayal of the under represented. Lupita ended her Oscar speech by saying that everyone’s dreams are valid. And to further that idea…everyone is valid: gay straight trans white black asian latin female male old young large small everyone-i-did-not- mention all . Let us listen to each other, hear and see each other, welcome and allow each other, embrace and celebrate each other. I fail at these simple tasks all the time but people like Lupita inspire me to reach to be better, to do my best and grow. How beautiful is that.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Acknowledge your accomplishments

Today and yesterday I went to the Echo Parenting Conference “Changing the Paradigm: Trauma and the Developing Child”. I went just to educate myself, to remind myself of the principles of nonviolent parenting, a super evolved school of thought, something that makes me a better parent and a better human being. I need to know about the development of my daughter’s brain, so I can best serve her where she is at, dig? The way their works affects society is that they look at "problem" kids in the system as just kids who do not know how to get their needs met. How would they know how to get their needs met if no one told them. They start by taking out the judgement and the shift is radical. They are changing the system, one kid at a time.
I cannot begin to explain it the entire Echo Parenting philosophy but they teach strategies based on empathy. My friend, writer extraordinaire Andrea Richards, just wrote an article on them, so I will have her link it once it is up for those interested. Please check back. Anyway, I love that there are radical thinkers out there doing great work and healing the world. That is what I am talking about when I say that all transformation is possible. I embrace the hard work of the evolution of my soul.
Richard Moss (who is not involved with echo parenting) says, “By the end of your lifetime maybe you’ll be able to make a space inside of yourself for the feelings you parents didn’t know how to make a space inside of them for.”  That is evolution! Transformation is going father than what you saw and what you were taught, growing bigger than your limitations. I love his work which includes the idea of changing the paradigm from looking at how much you make to looking at your capacity to be available and grow in compassion, because spending a life accumulating stuff has never worked for me.  Shift! Now! Wow!

ohhh and i love this song

Friday, February 14, 2014

happy valentines day and god bless anarchy

Happy Valentine's Day. I am feeling sill and light hearted as I see my 4 year olds bed scattered with valentines day cards and a guitar......

I lived outside of society for years, rebelled against it all. F*** the Hallmark holidays of the consumer culture blabby blab. Some of you knew me back then, grammar school, high school and beyond- ah, anarchy, punk rock and all that cool stuff. god bless it all. ("god bless anarchy" does that make me sound like an old lady, at least a cool old lady, right??) anyway, i did it all, felt it all, moved through it all- thankfully, gratefully- uplifted with transformation, rather than the alternative of depressing defeat or bitterness or mediocracy. Victory of the mind and spirit for all is my dream for me and you and us and we! But i digress.

My point is that it is so nice to just enjoy goofy holidays without attachment or rebellion. Happy Valentines Day. Easy breesey style, like good morning and how are you today? muy bien, y tu? 

It is so nice to have a day that reminds us to celebrate L O V E . I wish you all the experience of great self love. I hope you feel beautiful because you are! I hope you all know the pure experience of being held and being loved. And of loving others pure and simple with a big fat open heart. That is as good as it gets, right there.

Anyway, lets messed it up a bit with some beautiful longing and pain for old times sake
here’s one of my favorite heart breakers, ….

oh, my a love the classic version, now check it out live, even better in some ways, so raw, so talented