Wednesday, November 23, 2011

thank you

Oh my, I am so very lucky. This is what I am thankful for in no particular order. My home is warm and loving, full of peace and respect and admiration and affection and kindness, safety and warmth, fun and generosity. I have a happy healthy beautiful daughter who I get to spend the day with, who surprises me with her kindness and delights me with her sense of humor. I have a handsome funny available husband who is so fun to be with, even after 10 years, more fun to be with. We have a date out every week. We live within our means and feel very rich. I have nice things but I don’t invest too much value in stuff. I have mended my strained relationships with my family of origin and I love my family of origin. I always have a place to go. I have dear friends who are some of the best people in the world, who I value and enjoy. When I have been unable to go on, they have actually carried the load for me. I have people I can talk about my feeling with, who can listen when I am angry and not try to fix me, and who count on me to do the same. I know people who I can ask for help when I need to. I always have healthy delicious food. I get to take good care of my hair and face and body with natural products. I get to do pilates and yoga a few times a week and I love my teachers. I get to get massages when I need them. I have a brilliant part time job that is so much more than what I do there. I learn new things there every day. I have a spiritual life that is perfect for me. I see friends every week and friends with babies every week. I am covered in all realms, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, body, mind, heart and soul. Check it out, I used to be miserable. Did you know me back then? Bitter angry and hurt, I spent a good deal of my life in physical pain, but I am not in pain today. I spent a good deal of my life in emotional pain, crying every day, grabbing onto legs as they walked away from me, loving people who did not love me, but I don’t chase anyone today. I have lived clueless on how to make it better, do it different, change or be happy. Today I have a good idea how to live my fullest life, I like and accept my human self and I am happy. I go dancing every once in a while. I wish this for all of you. Peace on earth. And if you are nowhere near here and longing to be, trust me you will get there. The answers are there in the asking.

I can’t help it if I am lucky.... oh and "i thank the lord for the people i have found"

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

sex drive

My first single

Come children, gather round the fire and I will tell you all about it….Ah back in the prehistoric days you used to have to record music in a studio and then in order for anyone to hear it, someone had to press it into a vinyl disc that was reproduced and distributed to stores. People could buy or get this disc and listen to it by playing it on a machine with a needle and speaker, called a phonograph or record player or turntable.

I had a band called FUR and we played bunch of gigs on the lower east side, CBs, Continental, but we had no records yet. That’s kind of how it was done, you played around and got some attention and then recorded some of the music. I mentioned to Peter Landau that my dream (I was a big dreamer) was to make a single (a 7inch vinyl disc that had one or two songs on each side)!! He said, “that’s easy, you can make a single!” He should know, his band Da Willys had released singles.

Wow! So I got the band together, who at the time was Danuta on bass, Peter Kilnger on drums and me on vox and guitar (POWER TRIO!!!) and we ventured into the studio, Don Fury’s place on Spring street. Jesse Malin produced our four song Demo and we made cassette copies and mailed them to a few cool labels. A few weeks later Sympathy For The Record Industry called us and said they wanted to put it out. We mailed them the master tapes and some cut and paste artwork and that was that. My dream came true. (So I got bigger dreams.)

The A side was a song called Sex Drive about a beautiful scenester that I desired. He looked a bit like a creature from another planet, very celestial. “Your not a martian, you’re no astronaut no no no, it all in your mind and in your thoughts, are so very planetary so blast off cause I am ready…
Super celestial extra terrestrial, you’re divine, baby what’s you sign?

I got my eye on you, na na na na na, I get a drive from you, oh oh….

I’m gonna make a science fiction movie about you so I can sit in the dark and watch you. Blow up a picture of my teenage dream larger than life, how you should be se-e-e-n….”

He never knew that he was the subject of the song. A year or two later we had a mini fling and not much happened. I still see him from time to time. He is a bit bloated and too much of a heavy drinker for my taste, but a decent guy.

I think it is a good idea to keep your muses secret. They are just instruments to help you to do your work. The inspiration is just a moment in time, not a truth carved in stone and it is best if they and everyone else don’t know about what they inspire. The power they have may be fleeting. We take it where we can get it, right? I think it might be scary to find out that you are the inspiration behind such a forceful work as this single, you just might get the wrong idea and a big head. Also, friends, don’t worry about your heartbreaks and obsessions, in time they will not be as important as you might think. Rock on dear ones.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Come back Jonee

Oh it’s been a long time! I miss writing and I miss all my readers. 21 months ago two things happened, I became a new mother and I got taken to court. Just like moving to Mars, unless you’ve experienced it yourself, you don’t have the capacity to fully wrap your head around what that means. The short version is that motherhood is grand and court will kill you if you blink, miss a beat, let it get the upper hand, fail to work your spiritual warrior brilliance, or let your guard down for a second. It is a whole other world, one I wish on no one, including my enemies, if I had any. We won our trial and settled the appeal. The whole ordeal lasted for 19 months and I am just starting to get back on my feet. As a writer I might try and illuminate my experiences for you, but I can’t right now, as I am way to tender. The wounds are way to fresh. Blabber mouth that I am, I want to tell you everything about hell and how I conquered it, but there is one innocent party involved whom I must protect, so for now, silence.

The one tragedy of court that is relevant here is that in the land of lawyers there is no room for transformation, or the beauty of darkness turning into light. In this limited land, everything looks worse in black and white. Lawyers for the prosecution will use anything you say against you, so, I had to erase myself as best I could from the world, which included taking down my blog of stories from my misspent youth and the lessons learned. My entire history, my own story is that of darkness tuning in to light. 

Disappearing was one of the hardest parts of my ordeal but in the immortal words…I did what I had to do. As I have said a million times, all transformation is possible. I disappeared myself but now I’m back to let you know…

I’m gonna stick my toe back in the water, start out real simple writing for someone else’s blog...

I met my first boyfriend, Jesse, at Black Flag and the Angelic Upstarts at the Left Bank in Mount Vernon.

At the time there were just a handful of kids on the New York hardcore scene. We were all part of the birth of the movement. You’d see the same faces at every show, I remember like it was yesterday, winners, losers, pioneers, you know who you are, burned into my brain forever: Bobby Steele in his leopard print spandex pants and pony sneakers; his girlfriend Lizette, one side of her head shaved, the rest of her long smooth golden hair the same; Nick Marden in a red plaid kilt and black eyeliner on one eye; Rob with a hard high Mohawk shaved into sections; Matt Zombie, still called Mattie Misfit back then, in a misfits shirt and motorcycle boots all baby faced and brooklyn accented, without the toll of years of hard living yet; Steve Poss; Ira and Robin, telling us about whips and the things people do; Leon and Claudette, skinny bald loudmouths hugging and jumping all over the place in dark plaid trench coats and combat boots; Wishnea; Stephan; Angelica with her spiked platinum hair and porcelain skin, arms around Natz with his dirty pants hanging off his hips, way low; Harley; Jimmy; Anthony; Patrick (RIP); Yana; Polly; Rizzo….

I could go on and on, forgive me if I am leaving you out, all you pretty things. We were all dying to have fun, dying to get out of the house, dying to have something to do. Taking trains out of NYC when there were no shows on the lower east side, to get to shows in Long Island or Mt Vernon, or New Jersey, we’d go anywhere in the tri state area. But I digress…

Black Flag played in Mt Vernon that tour, the Sunday night of Memorial Day Weekend. I had had a premonition about the show. I knew I needed to be there and I didn’t have to get up on Monday to attend 10th grade at Cardinal Spellman High in the Bronx. It was destiny. My sister Karen and her boyfriend Kenny took me to the show. Kenny had a cool muscle car that I didn’t fully appreciate at the time. It was here that I met Jesse Malin, a kid from Queens who had a band called Heart Attack. He was with his friend Danny, from Long Island and I was with my pal Irene from the Bronx.

The bands hadn’t gone on yet. Jesse, Danny, Irene and me were all taking and getting to know each other. Then the Upstarts came on the guys went upfront to watch. Irene and I were there to see Black Flag and in the meantime we were mesmerized with our surroundings. My tiny life had blown open. It struck me so deep, the magical energy of newness and power and fun.

After a song or two, Danny circled back over and asked me if I wanted to go outside after the Upstarts set. I said sure, not really knowing that the question was loaded. Then a song later Jesse came over and asked me if I wanted to go outside right then and there. I again said sure, why not, not knowing that “to go outside” meant any thing. To them it was code for, wow I really do not know how to say this, every expression seems so square. To go outside: make out, fool around, engage in some sexual activity, be alone together, see how far it might go... hmmmmm.

you can read the ending at