Friday, October 12, 2012

On Being a Mother

Oh man, this stuff does not come natural to me. Being a mom is work.

You know how the Ike and Tina version of “Proud Mary” starts with her talking about how they “never ever do nothing nice and easy, we always do it nice and rough.”? That describes me on my journey to mending my broken concept of family in order to create a new beautiful one. I have jumped through hoops, worked my ass off, to have a warm and wonderful family. It is not a given. Almost every one of my x boyfriends remains childless to this day. Many of my long-term female friends are childless as well. I do not come from maternal stock. Never gravitated towards it. Until I did. Then, when I changed and grew into the longing, I had to go out and develop the necessary qualities. Not an easy task.

Until recently, I lived a selfish life of cultivating ease. This is itself was revolutionary. I wanted a life different than the one I inherited. I wanted comfort and easy. I worked hard to live simply with the ability to take great care of myself. I like to sleep late and carry very little, so that is what I did. I was born with an imperfect spinal structure and carrying weight does not feel good, so I figured out a way to live where I did not have to “hump gear” so to speak. I did lots of yoga and other self-care to feel good in my body. It was a priority. I manifested it and then I gave it all up to manifest something else

I had to really really want to be a mother in order to let go of my cushy set up and start plowing a field everyday. The getting up early and carrying a pack mule’s load is the opposite of what I ever strove for. Despite tons of work that had strengthened my body so that I can carry my 35 pounder and her stuff, it is still a daily challenge to show up in the way that is required. And to be quite honest, being available for a relationship with my husband is just as challenging and not my first nature. I was not born or built or bred to be a mom or a wife, get it? That is my starting point, my jumping off point. So what did I do? I leapt and the net that I had spent a decade sewing, actually appeared.

That being said, I am not complaining, just setting up the contrast. Who cares about a little hard work- I can handle daily challenges. I traded in one cushy life for a whole different experience and I am so f*ing glad I did it. I have gratitude everyday for the choices I made. Being a mother with my husband is the best thing I ever did. I cannot begin to express the gratitude I have for the institution of adoption, which has allowed me this experience. I cannot imagine what life would have been like if I were deprived of this. I know it would have been cushy and fun, but what I mean is now that I have gone down this road I would have it no other way. I am so lucky and happy, even when I go to bed exhausted night after night, wiped out by my toddler. (they say it gets easier, we shall see.)

I was once told that my misspent youthful ways would rob me of my dreams if I did not change them. I did not have many dreams at the time, but I started on the road less traveled to reverse my nature or my nurturing, whichever was the case. It was a conscious choice. I worked on my constitution, my very foundation, in the same way that some people work on their career, and I manifested gold, do you see?

So all I can say is if you want children or marriage or success, and it is not being handed to you and if feels too hard, or you believe that it is being withheld from you, or you buy into the idea that some people are richer or prettier or younger or better and they are the people who get to have the “thing”, just remember my little tale. It is the truth: Work hard and you can have your hearts desire. You have to be open. It may (or may not) look different than you planned or imagined. But it is there for you. If I could do it, you can. Trust me. If you want something, go get it, do it, have it, make it happen. With your hearts desires, the benefits will outweigh the cost. They always do…..

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