Friday, November 30, 2012

Allen Ginsberg said “Inside skull vast as outside skull”

I have run the gamut in this short sweet life of mine. lived so many lifetimes: wanna see?

I was a dog in the street, begged for changed, stole candy, stole furniture from your home just to watch it burn. Broke hearts just because I wanted to. Broke them because I could. Broke them because I was scared. Wanted to die. Give away everything. Kept nothing.

Sold drugs, helped pioneer my city, my planet. Changed the trajectory of lives, scenes, cites, movements. Built worlds with my bare hands. Worked in underground factories. Worked naked. Worked illegally. Worked as little as possible because everything else was so interesting. Bought property. Wrote poetry. Lost everything.

Lied all the time, but felt no guilt and shame. Left on doorstep, sent to the desert, parented by the universe. Raised myself. Made a mess. Opps. Had a conscience and told the truth. Jumped from a moving vehicle. Live through things I should not have on 9 separate occasions, like the cat that I am. Held you while you died.

Stood silent in the face of atrocities because I was frozen, screamed out at the unjust because I could. Marched for peace, protested for animals, gave money to the democrats, fought for unalienable rights, slept around, made love not war. Have the scars to prove it. Proved it all night. Needed to. Stopped needing to.

Ran on adrenaline, ran on anger, ran on intimidation and judgment and ego. Made it all look good. Made a fortune. Believed the hype. The changed my mind. Was alone more than I wanted to be. Spent days not speaking. Seeking. Attracted everything I needed.

Sold out, bought in, found god, built a foundation, betrayed my entire past. Rewrote the story. Allowed love, inside and out. Made mistakes. Failed a million times. Did my best. Made peace. Became maternal. Fought in the war. Second generation American. Loved the immigrants. Informed by it all. Changed by kindness. Saved by love. So much more, so much more. All that remains is future…..

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