Wednesday, November 21, 2012

grabbing at straws and thank you

I come from chaos. There was no order in my home, no empathy, no real foundation on which to build a good life and here I am trying to raise a family, trying to learn how, trying to do it right, with no blue print, no experience, and no common sense really. I have the best intentions but I am grabbing at straws in the dark pretty much. I have learned how to be a happy whole person but throw in a husband and a child and I am back to square one in terms of knowing what to do and how. I am like a pinball machine, with everything ricocheting off of everything else. This is not me alone with my self, on the mountain, this is the real deal and it is f*ing messy.

Wow, I have so much to be thankful for. This weird life where I find out I know nothing again and again. I find out I am completely wrong all the time. I think I know something and then I find out I don’t and still I move on in the right direction. They say a rocket is off course 90% of the time. It has a course it is meant to follow but that does not stop it from veering off course again and again and being brought back again and again and in the end it gets to where it is supposed to go.

So life tricks me and plays with me and I am open to what ever is next, whatever I need to learn to get me to the next place, veering and returning to my path. Alas, right now every word spoken to me through every medium is important, everywhere I look I get direction, information, inspiration, support, expansion, miracles.

I am so lucky to have everything I need, so happy to be surrounded by all the perfect people, situations, struggles. My struggles are ridiculous, so ridiculous I am court ordered not to to talk about them. I am left feeling like I have been in a car accident several times a year and yet I do not complain. Not today anyway. Instead I strive to find out how I can improve my experience, I strive to understand what I can learn here, I strive to have peace and acceptance and how to have the best life in the world, how to rise above, how to master my situation, how to find my bliss, which is there for me regardless of external nonsense. It is an inside job my friends. Trust me here, if i can do it you can do it.

So I write to say thank you world, for this crazy ride, this full experience with all its gifts. Thank you for my family and friends, teachers and inspire-ers, helpers and healers, and even the not so helpful ones, who wind up teaching us a lot, and helping in their own backward way.

All the best to you all, happy thanksgiving.


  1. Holly - thank you so much for your posts. This one was particularly timely as I struggle between, 'What the hell am I doing?" with "Who says I have to do it that way?" I'm pretty happy on my own, too, but I struggle with balancing relationships - especially with my partner and his child. (I haven't had one of my own, but for the last almost three years I've been a mom-type person to his little girl.)

    Anyway - I just wanted to say that your story helps me as I navigate my life going forward while looking in the rearview mirror. There's a whole big world out there - it's exciting to know that there is always going to be something to see and discover as long as we open our eyes - and the cool thing is - we can share what we find, too!

    Have a wonderful, lovely Thanksgiving - and a happy, bliss-filled life!


    PS: I am sad that there is a court-order against you for telling your story, at least how it relates to the person who has placed it against you. You are a strong woman - your story is important.

    On a positive note, as I am writing this about the block (writing as discovery - this thought just came because I decided to respond to your post), it makes me think of stories that I have loved where there has been a mystery around certain areas of why a character does something, or how they have a relationship with so-and-so; that part of the story is never told, but it is left out in such a way that the reader is compelled to fill up the blank spots with their own imagination. (Very French!) Hmm. Maybe you could use the order to your advantage . . .

    At any rate - you know your story, and it changes and turns all the time! :) You're drawing your own map!

    Thanks again . . .

    1. Holly!! thank you for reading and thank you for your kind words. i am trying to find the way to tell about it, i like your suggestion/encouragement. love to you, my friend