Wednesday, November 21, 2012
grabbing at straws and thank you
I come from chaos. There was no order in my home, no empathy, no real foundation on which to build a good life and here I am trying to raise a family, trying to learn how, trying to do it right, with no blue print, no experience, and no common sense really. I have the best intentions but I am grabbing at straws in the dark pretty much. I have learned how to be a happy whole person but throw in a husband and a child and I am back to square one in terms of knowing what to do and how. I am like a pinball machine, with everything ricocheting off of everything else. This is not me alone with my self, on the mountain, this is the real deal and it is f*ing messy.
Wow, I have so much to be thankful for. This weird life where I find out I know nothing again and again. I find out I am completely wrong all the time. I think I know something and then I find out I don’t and still I move on in the right direction. They say a rocket is off course 90% of the time. It has a course it is meant to follow but that does not stop it from veering off course again and again and being brought back again and again and in the end it gets to where it is supposed to go.
So life tricks me and plays with me and I am open to what ever is next, whatever I need to learn to get me to the next place, veering and returning to my path. Alas, right now every word spoken to me through every medium is important, everywhere I look I get direction, information, inspiration, support, expansion, miracles.
I am so lucky to have everything I need, so happy to be surrounded by all the perfect people, situations, struggles. My struggles are ridiculous, so ridiculous I am court ordered not to to talk about them. I am left feeling like I have been in a car accident several times a year and yet I do not complain. Not today anyway. Instead I strive to find out how I can improve my experience, I strive to understand what I can learn here, I strive to have peace and acceptance and how to have the best life in the world, how to rise above, how to master my situation, how to find my bliss, which is there for me regardless of external nonsense. It is an inside job my friends. Trust me here, if i can do it you can do it.
So I write to say thank you world, for this crazy ride, this full experience with all its gifts. Thank you for my family and friends, teachers and inspire-ers, helpers and healers, and even the not so helpful ones, who wind up teaching us a lot, and helping in their own backward way.
All the best to you all, happy thanksgiving.