Friday, January 27, 2012

What is so great about being where you are right now?


I have a large black and white poster of a go-go dancer taken by an amzing photographer in my living room. It speak of the joy if life. Today my daughter came running to get me to show me something urgent. I followed her into the living room and she pointed to the poster to show me that one corner of the poster had come free of the wall and was hanging down, covering much of the image. I got some tape and fixed it and we both threw our arms up like the woman in the photo and danced around with joy and yelled “Dancing dancing!”

I am really into being a mom. It is hard and exhausting and all consuming but I am so grateful to have the chance to do it. I love being married to my husband and having a daughter and being a mother and a parent.  I don’t mean to be sappy, but I just get it: this is what I am doing right now and it is brilliant, perfect, worth it.

I wish that I had appreciated where I was at other times in my life, single or childless or dating or whatever. I had appreciation but I was also trying to get some place else a lot of the time. I see people without kids saying they are “busy” just like I used to say and I think how they do not really know what busy is, and what I really mean is that I did not know what busy meant back then. I had so much freedom and time. I still do but it is different. When you have a child, you really can’t be somewhere else doing something else for all that long unless you want other people to be your child’s parents. And again, I am not complaining at all. I love every minute of it, even when I am exhausted to the point of tears. Motherhood is a choice I made and I am thrilled about everything that that means. But I am compelled to say:

Hey everyone else! Enjoy where you are at while you are there. Work is not as important as you might think. That guy that broke your heart is not as great as you think, trust me on this one. You have so much freedom, we all do. Being single is amazing. Having a good partner is amazing. Having kidsa is amazing. Not having kids is amazing. Looking for love is great, looking for work is great, having work is great, having time off is great. Having money is great, not having money is great. Time is a gift. People are gifts. Space is a gift. We are gifts. Find the good stuff and relish it. Appreciation! Gratitude! In the end we all get the same 24 hours. Enjoy. Peace.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Thank you for this opportunity to shine

All transformation is possible

There are times in my life where as much as I want to not feel a negative feeling towards someone, I cannot stop it. I cannot change my feeling. Some feelings/experiences are so deeply rooted, literally in a brain grove that when the person comes up in thought or reality, the negative feeling is automatically triggered.

I do not want to feel negatively but I cannot just change my feeling- it is there. What do I do? It takes extra work but I believe that with consciousness I can re route my experience around someone and by pass the automatic negative feeling by purposely forming a new grove, one not imbued with negativity.

How do I consciously create a different experience around someone that by default would cause me pain, anger, irritation, hurt, whatever? I know it is corney but yes, first I pray for help, I turn it over to the good in the universe. Then I try to practice radical forgivness by feeling gratitude for the person.

Thank you person who I automatically look at as an asshole, for this opportunity to change my hardwiring, change the grooves in brain, change my negative experience into a positive one. You are a gift.

The way that I can see the person as a gift and not resent them is because I am not doing the work for them, I am doing it for me. If I can change my experiences around them, I am elevating myself exponentially. It means I can change bigger and more important things. I can be an example for the rest of the world. We can all tackle the little areas of hate/anger/etc, no matter how justified they are. That is the key to changing the world. Oh, I can also try to see the divine in them, even if it the tiniest speck. We are all part of the divine, not just us and the people that we like.

Urg. This work is hard, exhausting, frustrating and time consuming, but what else are we here to do. It is OK to keep being the same way but I want to keep going up, not down. If I can help bring anyone else up along with me, please show me how.

Thank you for this opportunity to shine.

XHolly


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

bum flap 2012


I bought a pair of Harajuku Mini pants at Target, designed by Gwen Stefani for children. I bought the largest size they had, size 14. They fit but are a bit tight. The side seam ripped on one side because I am more womanly than the intended wearer. I sewed it back together. The pants are plaid and straight legged. Tight with a zipper at the back of the ankle. They actually came with a "bum flap", a half skirt attached to the back of the pants that hangs over your behind. Kids used to wear "bum flaps" back in the day to cover holes in the back of the pants, a trick used by bums. i used to think they were cool as a teenager, it was a real fashion statement of the underground. I am not into the bum flap on my new pants. luckily it is detachable. The excess material may come in handy if the pants rip again.

I love plaid pants. Always wanted the classic Boy of London red ones from way back. Never got ‘em, couldn’t afford them back then. These target ones are brilliant. I get compliments form everyone. adults and children, punks and real regular folk, men and women, everyone. The kids crack me up. One girl, about 11 years old, came up to my table in a restaurant and said she liked my pant and that they looked like Harajuki Mini’s. I told her that they were. She told me that she had been in a fashion show for the line. I told her that was cool.

Friday, January 6, 2012

New York snap shot 1985 (?) maybe

The first time I ever heard a gunshot, as in, I was close by while someone was shooting a gun, was at the S.I.N. club down on 3rd and Ave D or somewhere like that, (someone correct me, I am too tired to research) in the early 1980’s. I was still in high school probably. It was a hot summer night, still hot way after the sun went down. It was around midnight, and we were all hanging out on the sidewalk between bands cause it was as hot and muggy inside as it was outside, but there was more room outside, the place was small. Up the block a bit someone just started shooting. Women were screaming and people were running. We all ducked back onto the club uninjured and that was that. A classic act of summer violence.

The club was named S.I.N which meant “safety in numbers.” because at the time the lower east side was still scary and dangerous, if you can believe it, so the idea was go there in a group. The club had alot of bands play that fall under the umbrealla of “Noise” or no-wave or something like that:Live Skull, Swans, Sonic Youth, you know. All interesting, but above my capacity to relate really. Underneath it all i am a pop song lover. At the time i was listening to noisy hardcore, but we were a different breed. Anyway, there was one band that was pretty great that we would go see over at S.I.N- Rat At Rat R. I could relate more. Not fully but more. They were cool looking and had a great presence on stage. The singer was tall, lean and solid. Long black hair flowing, great bones, great face. The bass player was a beautiful blond woman who was the real deal, not a girl, not a token, way ahead of her time, (all those grunge guys in the 90's were probably trying to be her). The drummer was amazing and strong, wore a sleeveless motorcycle jacket, like a vest, over sweaty rock and roll skin. He would get up and walk around between songs. He was heavy!!! These musicians were sooo cool you could feeel them, really feeeel them, like you should, like its supposed to be.

Dave the drummer wound up playingin my band for a while several years later, how flattering is that!

Anyway, Dave Rat, I had a dream about you last night and in the dream I realized that you had played with the Doors and Iggy and had played with Neil Young on Zuma!! How funny is that. But I already knew you were a superstar and super legend. Thanks for being you.


Sunday, January 1, 2012

goodbye yellow fishnet stockings

In the early 1980’s I bought a pair of dark yellow fishnet stockings at 99X, located at 99 McDougal street. It was an intimidating store for a young teenager. The people who worked there had british accents and seemed a bit snobby. They sold all these cool obscure records and makeup and accessories. What fun to walk down the street and enter a whole different world, one that was a bit scary yet held some sort of promise. I wanted to be in with this in crowd and have the cash to buy it all. Teach me all about it, everything you know, show me the way to the real life, the one I have been waiting for, searching for, and getting close to. All I had was enough cash to buy one tiny item, the pair of impractical yellow stockings from London. It felt good.

They never worked as sexy pretty stockings. I started wearing them to high school over black tights with my combat boots. They got a few holes in them and looked better with age. I held on to them over the years, broke them out now and again to dance all night in at a Greedoor party, once in a blue moon I wore them on stage for a Fur gig or a Blacklips show. The stockings, perfect for certain special occassons got raggier and raggier, cooler and cooler. I pulled them out a decade or so ago when I went as Poly Styrene for Halloween. We played OH Bondage! Up Yours! in the basement of Niagara and I wore a tight short afro wig, braces on my teeth, and the yellow ripped stockings with boots! That was the smashing peek of the yellow stocking’s life, what they had been born to do. There hasn’t been another occasion since then to slide them on. They peeked and that was that.

Yesterday on New Years Eve, I did some New Year’s cleaning and I noticed that yellow fishnet stockings from London have been living with me in the back of the undergarments drawer for 30 years!! So, I bid them farewell and tossed them in the trash. They had run their course, served me well and needed to move along. Goodbye Yellow Fishnets. Out with the old in with the new. I can’t wait to see what awaits me next…..