Friday, July 27, 2012

moving

We are moving tomorrow. It is stressful. A place came up quick and we jumped on it. And packed our place of 10 years. We were also being audited this same month and had 30 days to get the tax stuff in the mail. I did it. I f*ing did it!! I will do it again tomorrow and we will settle in and have peace soon enough.

This last day is the hardest, as they say the darkest hour is right before the dawn. I am happy to be going through a physical challenge rather than an emotional one, although there are big emotions involved. I will miss this beautiful perfect treehouse up with the birds and blue sky and my dear dear neighbors, mainly Philip. I won’t miss carrying my sleeping 34 lb baby up 47 steps everyday.

This is only the 4th move of my life. I left the home I was born into and grew up in, in manhattan, to live in brookyl in college. Shortly after I moved to the west village with my sister and then the east village on my own, oh if those walls could talk... My husband lived there with me for a spell before we moved out here, to this very place where my daughter was born into and came to live at one day old. These walls ache with the rage and horror of our court case but also sing with the sweetness of a new baby that has grow into a strong toddler, and with the gratitude of our family being together, and with the strength of me and my husband coming more and more together each year, through the thick and the thin. I will miss you dear apt. and alas, more space awaits us. More life, more adventures with my dearests, more great memories and magical moments. Thank you , thank you thank you.

I am too tired and busy to write anything deeper. Love to you all, go easy, step light, stay free…

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Turn the ship around....

I had a string of bad luck, or so it seemed. I could say that my spiritual path took me down deep, for my healing, which is probably closer to the truth. Either way, it was a difficult patch for the last 2years plus, being a new mother and being in court with the threat of losing my daughter hanging over my head.

I got really poisoned by the ordeal. My thoughts reverted back to some old negative thinking, which is never good. There was little I could do about it but try and pray to have the negativity removed. I had so much joy as a new mom but sooo much struggle around negative thought patterns, like judgment and blame.

They say that when you have an injury, even after it has healed, it is your weak spot and that that injury gets recalled every time something else happens. If you have a bad back and get in a car accident, it is your back that takes the impact. If you have a bad knee, that is the issue that come up with every twist or fall. Not just your physical injuries, but your mental ones too. Often smokers go back to smoking when things go haywire. So it makes sense that my old wounds would get stirred up by the latest trauma.

I worked hard for many years not to dwell in blame and negativity. Changing my thought patterns from the ones I was raised with- to nwe ones that saw the universe as a safe and compassionate place- was long hard work but I did it! I so desired to trade in my critical eyes for loving ones. I loved having success in giving up those things, but my thought patterns reverted back to their old critical ways when things got too difficult and painful. I hated it but I could not stop it. I did not have the strength.

Anyway, I have worked and struggled and suffered through that same fucking injury, the same one I was born into, and I am starting to have success in turning this ship around. I live in more bliss, less shoula coula, fuck you. I have more compassion, more love, more peace, more joy. I have bad days but a great life. I have brief slips but easier recoveries.

It can be said that this is all for my greatest good, for my healing those wounds of darkness on deeper and deeper levels. While it was going on it felt unbelievable. Undoable. Impossible. Like I had had an accident where I lost my ability to walk and talk, spent decades relearning how to do it again and then had another accident that robber me of speech and walking. How do you go on, start again on one of the most difficult journey of your life? You just do, one easy step at a time. Softly and slowly. This has happened to me more than once, where I lost everything I had worked for, got knocked back down to Zero or lower and had to start again. But I am writing tonight to say that I did it. Just recently I started to notice that all the hard work was payimg off and that something had shifted. I am doing it and so can you, I write this to remind myself. Love to you all….


Sunday, July 15, 2012

road trip, AMERICA

Redding , CA

Roadtrip 2012: I find myself watching the end of a sunset at 9pm, purple mountain majesty. The sea of shades of purple, against a still light sky is breathtaking, it is hot like death valley up here. The sun is gone and the air still feels like a warm hug. The stillness and silence is divine. Strange beautiful country of ours.
My over ambitious idea to take my daughter on this trip was made harder by her getting her final molar. My girl teethes terribly. Each tooth had been a descent into hell. Some moms say “oh look a new tooth popped up”, yet I know three months before it shows up because of the random entirely sleepless nights with twitching and ear pulling, nose running and other telltale signs, finalizing with three nights of sleeplessness for me and her, lots of neediness and clinging, and a new tooth in the morning. I have been waiting for this last one to complete its cycle, as teething will finally be over, and so it came at the worst possible time, when we were already pulling her out of her comfort zone, sleeping in other people’s homes, spending time with less familiar faces and trying to be on vacation.
Poor baby was miserable and hitting and hurting. And we were out and about, driving for several hours a day, sleeping in strange beds. This was hard on everyone involved. Oh my! But she did it! She popped her last tooth and now I get to sit in the silent sunset and DECOMPRESS. Be kind to those you meet because you never know what they are going through. I write this to remind my self.
Strange beautiful country, these amazing summer nights of fresh air and cool breezes, hot nights and low flying birds, rainy mornings and hot coffee, pools and lakes, oceans and rivers, plains, and farms and amber waves of grain. I find it hard to believe that there are such fearful conservatives out there in this great brave land.
Today we were joined at the park by a church gathering of beautiful kind people. The woman wore their hair wrapped up and their bodies covered in long dresses and long pantaloons. They were sweet and they played with my kid but their goal was to save our souls. Doing good and behaving a certain way to save your soul seems so selfish a reason. I try to “do the right thing” so to speak to make the world a better place for us all. Saving your soul seems such a dated idea, jurasic technology. Oh well, god bless them. Life is so big and beautiful.live and let live people. Be in your joy, be over ambitious, pay the price, love the journey, transform your self from the bottom up. Love one another. Have empathy. Be here now. Trust. Continue. I wish you all the best.


Friday, July 6, 2012

Do your art.

Art changes lives

Art is the gateway drug to life, health and truth. It might not be enough, but it is a step in the right direction. So if you were on the fence about making something or saying something, just get it out there, you never know who it might touch. Do it for others, as service. When we do it for ourselves and our egos and for fame and fortune, it can really take us down. Sometimes I stop being an artist, a story teller, because it seems futile, self centered or I feel that I have outgrown it- but we all have stories to tell or visions to create and put forth and they are all important. Some people think art is the most important thing: write everyday, leave your family for it, die for it. I don’t feel that way. I think that we need to create it and we need to find balance and peace with it. Music saved my life a s kid but then it almost killed me. Often the thing that saves our lives and takes us to the next place will slowly start to kill us. When I was in fur, the rage was too big. I was on the train, making music making music making music, but I lost the joy and balance. So I stopped. But then I started again, different the next time around.
George Harrison was nervous about having My Sweet Lord be the single because of what people would think, because he would really be seen, be vulnerable. I would hear it on the radio as a kid, I didn’t think anything, other than it was great and it sounded like he was singing my name “My Sweet lord, HOLLY Ramos, Ramos ramos..” The thing is, no one is thinking that much about any of us. Thinking about what others are thinking is the trap. Continue on my friends, show yourself. Be in your truth. Tell the truth. Tell it beautifully. Be vulnerable. Tell it because it is a gift to be able to. Tell it because it can touch one person.….love to you all.