Friday, November 30, 2012

Allen Ginsberg said “Inside skull vast as outside skull”


I have run the gamut in this short sweet life of mine. lived so many lifetimes: wanna see?

I was a dog in the street, begged for changed, stole candy, stole furniture from your home just to watch it burn. Broke hearts just because I wanted to. Broke them because I could. Broke them because I was scared. Wanted to die. Give away everything. Kept nothing.

Sold drugs, helped pioneer my city, my planet. Changed the trajectory of lives, scenes, cites, movements. Built worlds with my bare hands. Worked in underground factories. Worked naked. Worked illegally. Worked as little as possible because everything else was so interesting. Bought property. Wrote poetry. Lost everything.

Lied all the time, but felt no guilt and shame. Left on doorstep, sent to the desert, parented by the universe. Raised myself. Made a mess. Opps. Had a conscience and told the truth. Jumped from a moving vehicle. Live through things I should not have on 9 separate occasions, like the cat that I am. Held you while you died.

Stood silent in the face of atrocities because I was frozen, screamed out at the unjust because I could. Marched for peace, protested for animals, gave money to the democrats, fought for unalienable rights, slept around, made love not war. Have the scars to prove it. Proved it all night. Needed to. Stopped needing to.

Ran on adrenaline, ran on anger, ran on intimidation and judgment and ego. Made it all look good. Made a fortune. Believed the hype. The changed my mind. Was alone more than I wanted to be. Spent days not speaking. Seeking. Attracted everything I needed.

Sold out, bought in, found god, built a foundation, betrayed my entire past. Rewrote the story. Allowed love, inside and out. Made mistakes. Failed a million times. Did my best. Made peace. Became maternal. Fought in the war. Second generation American. Loved the immigrants. Informed by it all. Changed by kindness. Saved by love. So much more, so much more. All that remains is future…..



Wednesday, November 21, 2012

grabbing at straws and thank you


I come from chaos. There was no order in my home, no empathy, no real foundation on which to build a good life and here I am trying to raise a family, trying to learn how, trying to do it right, with no blue print, no experience, and no common sense really. I have the best intentions but I am grabbing at straws in the dark pretty much. I have learned how to be a happy whole person but throw in a husband and a child and I am back to square one in terms of knowing what to do and how. I am like a pinball machine, with everything ricocheting off of everything else. This is not me alone with my self, on the mountain, this is the real deal and it is f*ing messy.

Wow, I have so much to be thankful for. This weird life where I find out I know nothing again and again. I find out I am completely wrong all the time. I think I know something and then I find out I don’t and still I move on in the right direction. They say a rocket is off course 90% of the time. It has a course it is meant to follow but that does not stop it from veering off course again and again and being brought back again and again and in the end it gets to where it is supposed to go.

So life tricks me and plays with me and I am open to what ever is next, whatever I need to learn to get me to the next place, veering and returning to my path. Alas, right now every word spoken to me through every medium is important, everywhere I look I get direction, information, inspiration, support, expansion, miracles.

I am so lucky to have everything I need, so happy to be surrounded by all the perfect people, situations, struggles. My struggles are ridiculous, so ridiculous I am court ordered not to to talk about them. I am left feeling like I have been in a car accident several times a year and yet I do not complain. Not today anyway. Instead I strive to find out how I can improve my experience, I strive to understand what I can learn here, I strive to have peace and acceptance and how to have the best life in the world, how to rise above, how to master my situation, how to find my bliss, which is there for me regardless of external nonsense. It is an inside job my friends. Trust me here, if i can do it you can do it.

So I write to say thank you world, for this crazy ride, this full experience with all its gifts. Thank you for my family and friends, teachers and inspire-ers, helpers and healers, and even the not so helpful ones, who wind up teaching us a lot, and helping in their own backward way.

All the best to you all, happy thanksgiving.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I was not born to live to die

I love the whole world

I could tell you stories no honest man would believe. I have my reasons to bitch and be bitter, hate and act violently. Great reasons that I won’t bore you with. But despite my obligations, my burdens, and my past, I feel really great. I am in love with the world and I wish you all so much good and greatness.

I wish everyone to feel free and happy. To like themselves and have comfort and joy, to be great at what they do and to get everything they want. To love and be loved. To prosper and manifest their worth and dreams. To belong and feel safe. To have fun and laugh. To feel good in their bodies and with their bodies.

This is what I love right now.

My yoga class. All you good looking open minded try-ers, practicing open-minded flexibility of body and spiritual knowledge. My teacher, who sweetly elevates us, levitates us.

My friends old and new:
All the moms in the mom group and their beautiful kids, doing this mind bending task of trying to raise and shape a little wild human being. How any of us do it, I have no idea, but it gives me great compassion for my mother. Parents make great sacrifices so that we their children can exist. Even the awful ones have given a great gift. Fuck.

All the people from the early ny hardcore scene. Wow god bless us all. I think I can say that we all must have had some real struggle to have been attracted to that music and found each other. You guys affected the course of my entire life. So few I even talk to anymore but you were my peers, my mirror, my enablers, my friends, my lovers, my family, my high school, my partners in crime, my life line sometimes.

All the people who have been supportive friends, random strangers sometimes, who took me in or held my hand or let me cry or lent a hand or listened. Who accepted me and had patience and saw past the outsides and touched the insides. I was the huddled mass, tired and poor, homeless and lonesome, and you showed up when you didn’t have to do anything.

All the teachers and healer, leaders and peacemakers. teachers of my daughter, directors who show us the way, point out the direction, have gone before me, did it already so that I can benefit. Lincoln, King leaders who do service for no other reason then that they believe that it is our responsibility to.

My family, ancestors, pioneers who paved the way so that I could be here. You long line of islanders, and every one who has come from them and everyone who had come before and after my husband and our daughter. We are part of each other. It is not black and white where you end and I begin. We are all here.

Everyone. So many.


(I read my very old diary last night and it said that I was jealous of my friend because when she was a little girl she believed in Santa Claus and danced around in joy. I wrote “I never believed in anything.” Poor baby. But now I do and now I get to dance around too.)

the artists and actors, poets and dreamers, directors and writers, Lina Wertmuller, Lena Dunham.

As random as this is I will end with gratitude for all the music. Musicians, DJs, music makers and sharers. Showers and tellers, movers and shakers. Ritchie Valens, Nina Simone, David Bowie, Celia Cruz, Carole King, George Harrison, Leon Russell, James brown, Elton John, Otis Redding, I could type till dawn so let me stop here: Henry Rollins, we share the same initials and when Poly Styrene died he played the entire Xray Spex record on the radio. I love you all.

I am tempted to post “Joy to the World” 3 Dog Night, “Border Song”, Elton John, or “Dancing with Myself” Gen X, and a million more but I will go with this one

If I had the chance I’d ask the world to dance..oh oh oh oh

XH


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Patti Smith- Gloria

Middle school. That is when you revisit the terrible twos. Your becoming who you are. Your hormones are surging. School is the most painful, other kids are the most judgmental. But you are open, alive, willing and able to talk about it all. Apparently you retain what you learned at that critical time. You are the most porous. You grow at the fastest rate since infancy. Your bones grow faster than your muscles, so it is hard to sit still. You are going through it.

In middle school my life was hell, and a storm was etched into my heart, one I have always carried with me. Blah blah blah, what a drag. But on the flip side, there was this one time where my mother was house sitting, feeding the cat of a coworker in our neighborhood. He was a young bachelor with a cool pad in the rougher part of my town. I went with her to feed the cat on evening and found a treasure chest of RECORDS. That night I took home a bunch of his records to listed to. I taped them onto a cassette tape. Dylan Highway 61 Revisited, Pattti Smith Horses and The Rolling Stones Exile on Main Street, which only contained one of the two discs.

We did not have much money and if you can believe it, there was no internet at that time, so you had to actually have a record to hear it. And magically these records appeared unto me and influenced my whole life. Moved me to my core and stayed with me forever.

How does it feel?

when you got nothing , you got nothing to lose

Jesus died for somebody’s sins but not mine.

People say beware but i don't care..

Etched in me forever. Perfect. Supreme. Come on!

Music is an emotional experience, more than notes, words and instruments. It matters for odd reasons. I was so lucky to go to that apartment. A weird twist of fate.

Alas, hand of fate, I always appreciate what is happening, I am being shaped and led and taught all the time. I write with gratitude and joy. Thank you.



Sunday, November 4, 2012

what is good right now

what is good:
we already have everything we need.
the kingdom is within
we can access tolerance and empathy there
we can access abundance, it is there for EVERYONE
we can access our freedom. it is there.
we get to breathe and be in the present moment, where everyone is the same, we all have that present moment. we all have our breath.
we get to do our best
we can start the day over at anytime.

thank you.
i have gratitude for my family
our health,
poems
beautiful colors
sun and rain
peace inside
quiet
piano music
friends
laughing
reminders
inspiration and inspirers
fun
good stories
a body
a brain
meditation
yoga
swimming pools
the desert
wheat free cupcakes (harm reduction as i like to call it)
trees
flowers
animals
humans
kindness
support
my husband
my daughter
peace in my heart
trust
the absolute knowing that i am ok and taken care of and safe no matter what happens. (yes, an ideal, but accessible and true
you.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

happy dia de los muertos

Ah yes, the veil between the two realms is the thinnest tonight! Remember the dead with Joy. Celebrate their lives. Have a laugh and a smile. They are here with us tonight.

Our ancestry can be traced back through our cells. Our ancestors are part of us. We carry them with us and can learn from them, be inspired by them, find strength in them and heal them as we heal the more challenging parts we inherited.

I am a pioneer, consciously choosing to live differently, and still I find myself doing what my parents did. The difference is that I have the tool of awareness. As I make space in my brain with my consciousness, I can pause before I react in an old way and instead find a new way, a new world. I miss the mark a million times, but a thousand failures leads to success. Slowly, things do change, I promise. Life dances on. Take what you like and leave the rest. Go be better than that before you. Be the change. Change your brain. Joy to the world. Peace on earth. I need to write this to remind myself. God Bless the East Coast. I miss you. Love on……