Wednesday, January 30, 2013


I was so in love with you. I did not think about the future. I did not think about our kids or money. I did not do the math. I only saw your translucent white skin, black hair, green eyes. You were gorgeous. I was 14, what more did I need? Nothing, right? I had no idea that one day you would grow old and doughy, and your face, the same face that killed me would become a fat round face bloated from too much drinking and too many perogies, too many allergens. I did not know that you would be happy and strive to educate yourself but that age would only accent your conservative tendencies, your little bit of racism, sexism, but not too terrible, not like you ancestors but still there. Actually, I did know it a little bit, but so little that I could ignore it. You weren’t exactly my people, dig, but oh so handsome. I didn’t know that that you would be happy doing your art, bad art in my humble opinion, but staying true to yourself in a way that could only be admired, not the art, but the commitment to it. I didn’t’ know what your true self was, so how could I know how it would manifest? I did not know how different we were in every way. Maybe I did a little, probably. I thought you were so beautiful, but that was it. I didn’t know that there was more, didn't know that it wasn't enough. is was enough for a while i guess. I didn’t know that you would not be the person I would want to grow old with. Funny how our hearts hurts over things that become so unimportant. Our smart hearts know so little sometimes. Our crazy hearts just want what they want sometimes. Maybe my heart wasn’t all that invested but I still felt a deep desire that I longed to fulfill and never quite did. I longed to own, but didn’t. longed to own, but why? So random and irrational, these feelings of youth

But I am so happy that you turned out ok. I hope all your dreams come true. I love you all.

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