Thursday, March 14, 2013

Fear is my natural state but I work everyday to reset it to love

Today I hurt someone, caused great pain to someone who was already suffering, someone who was vulnerable and in pain and I made the pain worse.

My definition of someone who is “unavailable” as in emotionally unavailable to be in a relationship (any kind, family, friend, romance) is: someone who can be all kinds of good things, fun funny, cool, great company, nice, etc, in ordinary circumstance, but if the other person in the alleged relationship is in pain and needs them, they make the pain worse by disappearing, not being able to give, to listen, to show up, to help.

That is what I tell my friends who date unavailable guys and wish that they did not. That is how you detect if some one is a person to be with. Some people know this intrinsically. Some people who have had some kind of family related trauma growing up often do not know it and need help. I did. I needed practice to learn how to spot and avoid unavailable people because I always got tricked by their good side, as they are often bright and shiny and glowing and attractive and fun and I always gave them a chance because they meant well and they were in pain too. It might be true, but it was still a set-up, I was gonna wind up hurt and they were not gonna change because of my good looks or any other magic. Ultimately they are stuck with themselves, but I did not want to be stuck there too.

As I mentioned last week, though, I was caught in that vicious circle because I too was unavailable underneath it all. Its all an inside job, after all. So yes, I was that same hurter, the one who could not show up for you when things got real. And then I learned how and I work with it everyday. Fear is my natural state but I work everyday to reset it to love.

So today I made a mistake and I took care of myself. I corrected my mistake as best as I could and I took responsibility but the results could not be fixed and my actions caused someone who was in pain to be in worse pain. Or at least that is how it looks from the outside, I do not know what anyone is actually feeling, I can only assume. The thing is that I feel sad but not ashamed. I did not do it on purpose and I did not do it because I am unavailable and fucked up and I go around doing things I do not like but unable to stop. Today was a whole different thing. Just life on life’s terms. An innocent mistake with consequences, not serial behavior. I feel heartbroken over causing someone pain but I feel clean. I feel human and free and sad but happy of my choices to reset my messy life back to love everyday.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for the reminder that we can reset ourselves to love everyday!! Beautiful!