Wednesday, March 6, 2013

heartbreak

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens"-Rumi
Wow, this is so true in retrospect.

My story had changed so radically over the years. This is an old one, but still true.

I used to be the girl whose heart would always get broken. No one wanted to go the course with me, everyone left. I so wanted to have a relationship that was strong and real and lasting but they all fell apart. I lived in constant heartbreak. And then I realized that I really did not want a relationship. I kept intentionally choosing guys who would never stay. I actually steered away from guys who wanted what I thought I wanted, a real close relationship. I was running with the unavailable crowd to distract myself from the fact that I was unavailable, afraid of intimacy, not sex but real human closeness. Horrified. My habitually choosing the wrong person was a set up for pain and heartbreak. It was agonizing and predictable. I would have a great time with some guy for a while and then I would be in pain. Then one day I could not do it anymore. The pain of running away, the pain of inevitable heartbreak was worse then the pain of dealing with my life.
Dealing with your life is no joke, avoiding that pain is the reason for millions of addictions.

Here is what I did: I stopped dating the fun unavailable guys and I tried the available one. I did not know what would happen. I did know what would happen if I continued in my old way, that I would continue to get the same old stuff. The new road was weird, bumpy uncomfortable. I had to face all of MY resistance, fear, terror, horror. I had to change and work and try and open. All of it was hard and painful but it lead to something amazing. The old pain of heart break after heartbreak lead only to despair, but apparently it paved the way for me to dare to try something new only because I could not stand that old predictable pain and despair anymore. I never thought of it that way- that my actions were not just a waste of time, they had a real purpose, to break and break until I broke open. Wow. The reason things happen are not always revealed in this lifetime, but I suppose we must trust our path, rather than judge or complain. As Winston Churchill so famously said and I have quoted before, “if you are going through hell, keep going.”

By confronting rather than avoiding the “new” pain of “going through it”, I was lead to more than I could have ever imagined: My beautiful life with my husband, family, an open heart, not crying all the time, not hurting all the time, wonderful wonderful life, love, a whole new thing. If I can do it, you can do it. Step outside your comfort zone to have what you desire. But first you have to get sick of your old ways.



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