There was a point in my life when I made a conscious decision to live life to the fullest. I had lots of sex, made lots of mistakes, used condoms regularly, seized the day, practiced caution to the wind. I had a radical feminist history, I did not feel the need to restrict my behavior because of my sex. I tried everything I wanted to. I aimed to be loose and free and happy. I was not secretive about any of it. Owned it all proudly. I learned so much about who I wanted to spend my time with, and what was important to me. I got a lot of seemingly important things out of my system, only to find they were not a big deal. Then the journey of my life shifted, got different, more reflective, more an inside job, less glamourous, more interesting to me. The later stories are so different the earlier ones. This mini window in is just a silly exerpt:
When we slept together:
I wonder if you remember the details different. It doesn’t matter, you may have forgotten the whole thing. But I wonder because I wonder if you will know that I am writing about you or if you made up a whole different version. You’d do that, tell stories again and again, changing the details until they morphed in something else. I though of you as a chronic liar, but still participated. You were definitely interesting.
You were good looking, very charming, and a bit well known. Charming is deadly, if you are the type who falls for it. I was just learning this so I always had that in the back of my mind. I played with fire but with caution.
We were both working like dogs to impress the shit out of eachother, our travels, our possessions, our misadventures, our other lovers, our hair, our bodies, our clothes, who we knew, our devastating histories, our crimes, we trumped one another again and again on all the external fronts. Our hearts had nothing to do with the whole thing. It was a lot of fun. People would stare when we walked by. We looked good, that was for sure. Little did they know.
So after knowing you for maybe 72 hours, which was a long time for me, we wound up in a bedroom together, late at night and out of town. I am being vague about the details to protect the guilty. But basically we were going to spend the night together due to circumstance, not because we decided to have sex and rushed to find a room. I was unclear if you wanted to have sex with me. I wanted to, that’s why I was there. You were not clear to me, I could not get a handle on you.
I had not intentionally wound up in a bedroom with someone who I was not sure if they wanted to sleep with me before. So here we were and it was late. There was little else so to, so I washed my face and returned to the bed in my pale green and white checkered cotton bikini underwear that I bought in Brazil, which I was going to sleep in, and nothing else. I got under the blankets and figured the ball was in your court, quite literally. You took off your shirt and looked great and laid on top of me and kissed me for a while and moved around a bit and then rolled off. None of our other articles of clothing came off. I really did not know what your experience was. I don’t know if you experienced anything or everything. You rolled off and went to sleep. I wasn’t thrilled but I had caution going into this so I was not shaken or surprised. We headed home together the next day and we were still trying to impress eachother, but much less.
We kissed a few times after that because you still looked good but we never talked about what happened. I never expected these kisses to lead to sex. I had lost interest in the chase. Too odd for me.
Yes, my life used to be like an episode of Girls. That is why I love that show.
Dear readers I hope you all get to live your life to the fullest and get everything out of your system that you need to and learn great lessons about who you want to spend you time with and what is important. Seize the day! Caution to the wind! Life is good and long and wonderful.
gee i have been having trouble posting songs to go with my blog: here is Romeo Void's "I Might Like You Better if We Slept Together" you can find it yourself if you want and if the link doesn't work. xxH
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