Thursday, April 25, 2013

all this and more.

oh she’s so messed up…

as messed up as I was in my youth, somehow I figured out the trick to manifesting what I wanted.

I came from a crazy working class home where the dream for me and my life was that I would have health insurance. My parents hoped that, with my college education and all, that I would grow up to get a good receptionist job. Yes, a secretary job would be even better but I was not the typing type and they knew that.

I graduated NYU with honors and went to work in a basement of a gallery shipping art. I had no idea how to be in the world but I knew that no one was going to take care of me or give me anything, so I got to work. I struggled with hideous rent and living on change for a bit in college and then something changed. I am not sure how or what. It was entirely unconscious, like the universe shining a light on me. Here you go kid, you had it rough enough…

Somehow, I learned to ask for what I wanted and dedicate myself single-mindedly to my objective, and somehow things just kept manifesting. It started with silly stuff like guys. And I am talking really silly here. I would fall in love with some guy’s name or his hair or something hideous and that was it. So, I would see a cool guy and decide that I wanted him. It was never an issue as to weather he would like me or anything, it was just an assumption that he would and that I would have some kind of relationship with him. And I would. That is some serious ninja mental powers, but I didn’t even know what I was doing or how. I did not know that apparently I could have anything I set my mind on. So I set my mind on small silly stuff. 

Actually the ability to manifest was there even before college. I had set my mind on going to NYU, a private school, and did not even think about the cost or the fact that my family had nothing to put towards my education. I just knew that was where I belonged and so I got accepted and I got a scholarship.

How did I do it?  When I saw something I wanted I said “I want that”, when I heard people talking about how they had something I wanted I said “I want that, too” and often they let me in on it, what ever it might be.
Once I heard someone say they were going to a pool party in manhattan and I NEEDED to be there, so I said “I want to go too” and they said “come on!” At the party I talked to the right people and found out how I could throw parties there. That is a whole other story, but it worked and I did, I threw my dream pool parties on 1st street and 1st avenue and made tons of money too. It was pretty simple math. Ask and you shall receive. I never imagined that anyone would say no and I was not afraid to ask.

So I got guys and cash and whatever else I wanted for a long stretch and then, as is the case with life, I went from flow to ebb. Bang! It was like I was sucker punched. Things started drying up and I was just stunned. I was not wise to any kind of informed thinking, creating, manifesting. I did not know how to ride out a dry spell. I had lived in the desert for so long and then I came upon an oasis and then it started to go away and I was not prepared for it. I did not know how to ask and believe that I was going to get, because I was asking and not getting. and soon I started to forget to even ask. Classic. I got really messed up by my fall from grace.

But then I learned how to manifest consciously. Necessity is the mother of invention. I started to educate myself so I could recognize the tricks of the trade- gratitude, service, focusing on the abundance, not the lack, good business practices, perseverance, etc etc. Everything you need to know is out there for the mining-self help books, tony robbins type manifesting stuff, rich dad poor dad, little sentences successful people say, etc. A little mental shift goes a long way. I am not a ninja but I am doing well, happy as hell, loving my life. Joy to the world. Go create the life you want. Be happy. Say thank you every day for every bit. Love each other. If I could do it, so could you. xh

prosperity and manifesting is so un punk rock, oh well. alas, the song i picked is
all this and more

Friday, April 19, 2013

keep going

I was so jaded at 3 and 4 years old that I would lie when I sat in santa’s lap and he asked me what I wanted for Christmas. “a doll” I would mumble. I did not even like dolls. I was not a maternal kid. I never learned to love or like or respect babies, so why would I like dolls. My childhood was rough and tough. I was tiny and scared but I fronted some serious attitude, who wouldn’t? My father taught me how to defend myself and I came at some potential fights with lots of cursing and yelling, loud and strange, scared the shit out of the other kids. It was normal to me, terrifying to them. I thought them squares, I liked that I knew a thing or two about the world, who wants to be an innocent clueless kid?

I grew up to have all these great friends and boyfriends, and so many of them were like me, so many of my early close crew are childless. I was deeply un -maternal for so much of my life. And we are all working it out in our own ways. I am so glad that my way has lead me to be maternal and to WANT children.

The beautiful thing about life is that I am not in a prison somewhere. That is cool, but what is even better is that I did not have to go to jail to have an epiphany. I got to take a long slow transformational ride along this crazy life journey and become a mom who is maternal and likes babies and is raising a daughter who likes dolls and tells santa she wants “a present” for Christmas, not because she is jaded but because she also says she wants to wear a “costume” for Halloween, because she was two and a half and she wasn’t developmentally able to figure out that we want to know which costume and a present of what? I have a daughter who is not tough and fronting attitude. Hallellujia!

Do the work on your body and mind that allow you to transform into the thing you want to be. It is all there waiting.

the song i wanted to share is mott the hoople "i wish i was your mother"

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Today everyone looked beautiful and I had no judgment, only love in my heart. I was so happy to be alive and know the people I know and go to the places I go and have the things I have. I had such gratitude for all of it. I was able to have so much empathy for my daugter, I was ale to hear her needs and support her feelings and trust her instincts and love her fully without any of my issues getting in the way. I was able to be a mom and be human and just show up in love. How nice.

I heard all kinds of stories about misfortune and some redemption. I understood that life happens to us all. We get pain and we get joy. Some people get bigger portions, but we all get the opportunity to deal with what is in front of us responsibly. To try to be as kind a s possible even when we are struggling. We all get to ask for help. WE all get to start the day over, to start new from today, to move past our past, to grow, to make good choices.
In my daughter’s school they say that it is all a teachable moment. For us adults, it is all a learnable moment.

This is your life right now and the way you spend your time is the way you live your life. The way you spend your money is the way yu live your life. The way you do one thing is the way you do everything. Try to be kind to yourself and others. At the end of the day try to bring it back to love. I write this to remind myself. I am so lucky.

blogger does not let me post songs anymore...but if you feel like hearing althea and donna sing uptown top ranking, check out

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Wow universe.

So I was a juvenile delinquent with little remorse into my late twenties. I had grown up on my own and was robbed of many things very early in life. I had no sense of right and wrong, I just hustled to take care of myself, bah blah blah.
And then I got awareness. I started from scratch and built a solid foundation where the rubble of my existence had been. I stepped towards the universe and it came rushing back at me full on and taught me everything I needed to know., parented me like a great parent. Gave me clear and simple lessons that have made me who I am.

This week my family was in town and I was a bit off kilter and I stole somone’s parking space. I was looking and waiting for 20 minutes and I had a hungry 3 year old in the car and we needed to get to the restaurant and there were no spots anywhere. And then I saw a spot and I made a u-turn and just as I approached “my spot” I saw someone else already had their blinker on, 2 cars up from the spot, they were going to back up a bit to grab the spot, but I got there first and I pulled in. However that might read, it was their spot. I saw the blinker, they had marked the territory. It was theirs. But I wanted it, I had seen it first, but could not get to it in time.
And I ignored what was in front of me and pulled into the spot before they could back in, I fronted in. and man did they get furious screaming and raving next to me. I just shrugged my shoulder and feel justified, because I had a toddler and I needed it. Me and my niece laughed pretty hard about it. it was fun. ah, crime ecstasy, i miss you. But I knew it was fucked up. 

And then a mere 3 days later I pulled into the parking lot I park in for over 8 years and  someone behind me honked . I looked to see what was wrong and they furiously pulled next to me and then drove past me and sat in front of me. I wasn’t bothered by their pulling in front of me because I figured the attendant would send then back around. Then a spot opened up and they took it and the parking attendant let them. I got out of my car and I yelled at both of them. What the f was that??!!!  I yelled at them both for a while but deep inside I knew that it was really hysterical. Pure and clean. Even Steven. Yes, universe, I get it.
Thank you of reminding me. Do the right thing. There is no such thing as being cheated. It is impossible. Trust. All transformation is possible.
not sure why you tube doesn't let me post songs anymore but if you are in the mood, so check out frankie lymon's "i'm not a juvenile delinquent" ancient history...