Friday, April 19, 2013

keep going

I was so jaded at 3 and 4 years old that I would lie when I sat in santa’s lap and he asked me what I wanted for Christmas. “a doll” I would mumble. I did not even like dolls. I was not a maternal kid. I never learned to love or like or respect babies, so why would I like dolls. My childhood was rough and tough. I was tiny and scared but I fronted some serious attitude, who wouldn’t? My father taught me how to defend myself and I came at some potential fights with lots of cursing and yelling, loud and strange, scared the shit out of the other kids. It was normal to me, terrifying to them. I thought them squares, I liked that I knew a thing or two about the world, who wants to be an innocent clueless kid?

I grew up to have all these great friends and boyfriends, and so many of them were like me, so many of my early close crew are childless. I was deeply un -maternal for so much of my life. And we are all working it out in our own ways. I am so glad that my way has lead me to be maternal and to WANT children.

The beautiful thing about life is that I am not in a prison somewhere. That is cool, but what is even better is that I did not have to go to jail to have an epiphany. I got to take a long slow transformational ride along this crazy life journey and become a mom who is maternal and likes babies and is raising a daughter who likes dolls and tells santa she wants “a present” for Christmas, not because she is jaded but because she also says she wants to wear a “costume” for Halloween, because she was two and a half and she wasn’t developmentally able to figure out that we want to know which costume and a present of what? I have a daughter who is not tough and fronting attitude. Hallellujia!

Do the work on your body and mind that allow you to transform into the thing you want to be. It is all there waiting.

the song i wanted to share is mott the hoople "i wish i was your mother"

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