19 years ago today
Oh, thank the lord I survived my misspent youth and am alive and here and not in jail. 19 years ago today I made a decision to stop doing crime. Mainly one big crime that was my actual occupation at the time. It was not in the sex industry so use your imagination…
So I did this thing twice a week for years and it was great actually and then I decided to stop for my own well-being. I no longer needed to live in the underground and in constant risk. I had gotten great parental guidance from people who were not my parents. I was on a path of enlightenment and once you get on that path the universe provides for you everything you need, that which you had never gotten. I was mentored by the universe, woken up, and I was ready to stop. I picked a date.
Alas, a few moths before I had been working and had had a close call with the law, which was partially why I decided to stop. But even more so was the awakening of my very self, a self who was not the bad ass I pretended to be. I did not ever want to be restrained by a law officer, at someone’s mercy, or locked up. I was way too fragile.
As the date approached, I grew excited about moving on and anxious about fulfilling the last few commitments. Finally, I had only one more day to do the job and then I would be free forever unless something bad happened on that last day, as is the case in every film of this genre, yes? I was a mess that last morning, but I proceeded with the plan for financial reasons. No one was going to come get me if I didn’t show up, but I wanted the cash. So I was invested, just like in the movies.
Part of coming from a really messed up home is that you see you life as futureless so you are not invested in anyway in your future or your value. I was that person and now I was starting to see my self as valuable and as having a future and it was scary to be straddling two worlds, an old familiar one and tiny new, and fragile, emerging one.
So there I was finishing up my job and on the radio came news about the white Ford Bronco being chased at low speed while OJ lay in the back seat with a gun to his head. Lots of drama, and no if it was about me, but maybe there was something symbolic about it. Trying to get away with something that was hopeless…
Letting go of your badass persona is a process and not a very sexy one. Mine would shed in layers over years, this was just the start. It is still shedding today, yes? But despite the discomfort or unattractiveness of being a beginner, I will say that it is great to start that process, wherever you are. It is life changing and will lead you home to your free beautiful self if you dare to go down that life changing road.
The day ended uneventfully, as did the Bronco chase, and I rarely look back.
I write about that misspent youth and my transformation all the time, so I didn’t fill in a lot of details here. Here is more if you want it