Saturday, July 6, 2013

hey new york, it is so nice to be home....

well, i came home to new york this week as i do every summer and every winter, to bring my family to see my family. I often come expecting a "break", a "rest". the last few years had been difficult, being a new mom with the additional heavy burden of the uncertainty and toll of an awful law suit. I needed help and came home counting on getting that help. But the rest would never come. I would come back to los angeles more exhausted than when i left and then be back in my life trying to keep my head above water.

I would come home to new york hoping to rest and get a break and i would be disappointed and exhausted when i left. i had too high expectations. Its not that my family wasn't helpful, they were and are. My family was doing so much for me, but nothing was really enough, because no one could give me what i needed to heal, no one could do enough for me. i had been way to taxed by my situation and only time and awareness could fix that. there was no magic pill waiting here for me.

No one can take your burden from you, whether it is grief or cancer or some other tragedy that puts you in a category that not everyone can relate to and that not everyone knows how to deal with. My break and my rest was something i eventually had to somehow give myself through the bigger process of healing. urg, what a drag, because i really just wanted a magic pill.

Then tragedy struck a relative of mine and i somehow lived vicariously through him and felt as if it had happened to me. and i let that inspire me. i used the gift of difficulty (his, mine, anyones) to remind me of so many things:
life is short
we all get dealt a bad hand now and then and sometimes a few really really bad hands in a row
its not personal
use what you have and find the gift and stay in the gratitude
you always have more strength than you think
you can do anything, really
love and enjoy your family and friends, as anyday could be your last.
And most importantly, love them and enjoy them because THIS IS YOUR LIFE, so be available for it.

i allowed my relative's life to inspire me. And with that inspiration i decided to commit, or rather recommit, to being a better parent- a parent that maybe was tired and had been through hell, but was still very available. I have been feeling this way for weeks and it has been amazing.

so, on wednesday i flew home to new york with commitment to my daughter as my priority. I planned on shelving my exhaustion in order to just be available and play with her as much as she needed on the flight. In the past i might play with her but then try to get some rest and try to get a break. Somehow i always wound up fighting against "what is" which was worse- and i never got the break i thought i needed. Yet, by being available, somehow i was energized AND got a break AND rested.

Then we landed and i came home to see my family and i let go of all expectations of getting a break and a rest. i just planned on showing up as much as my daughter needed and again, she was less needy since i was available to her. everyone's help was just a cherry on top. i am having the best trip. i feel happy to be a mom, happy to see my family, lucky, and in gratitude. i feel expectation-less and so very very taken care of.

Parenthood is a constant process, a constant ebb and flow, a constant balancing act of getting your needs met and getting your child's needs met, a constant commitment to reevaluating everything, going with the flow, changing and growing and learning and loving and going to sleep and waking up to do it all again. it is exhausting but amazing. I am so happy to be home and so happy to have the gift of living with and overcoming difficulty under my belt, to remind and inspire me to do my best and to appreciate and love this beautiful life. hey new york, it is so nice to be home....

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