Tuesday, October 8, 2013

bad luck charm

The necklace
Grace gave me a necklace. It was from mexico, a metal heart, vein-y and crude, pierced by a dagger, a kind of milagros. Oh how I loved it. Some famous guy’s wife had given it to her and she passed it on to me. I wore it like I meant it, like my heart on my sleeve, like the sacred bleeding heart of jesus, like a dagger in my heart.
I wore it the day my boyfriend broke up with me. It used to be so important, all those stories of who broke up with me and who broke my heart but as I write this I cannot remember which guy it was. I cannot recall the person at all, I only remember the necklace. I remember that one of them left me while I sat there sucker punched and heartbroken, necklace hanging from my neck. I thought maybe the necklace was bad luck and I put it away.
A year or so later I pulled out the necklace again and that very day as I wore the charmed piece of jewelry another boyfriend broke up with me. This time I remember the story and the name, whatever. I again felt sucker punched, caught off guard. I did not see it coming. His decision seemed so random. I had on a yellow terrycloth dress from Patricia Fields, I looked pretty good in my necklace and my dress, but he still left. I put the necklace away again.
Milagros are religious folk charms traditionally used for healing. The word means surprise or miracle. Eventually I realized that the necklace was a good luck charm, not a bad luck charm. I started wearing it again. Thankfully I was not in those bad relationships anymore. Go ahead break my heart, who needs you anyway, sucka. The necklace helped keep those motherfuckers away, maybe?
Finally, I outgrew the imagery. I did not want to “own” a dagger in my heart. I did not need to have that story anymore. I stopped wearing it. Learned how to be with people that I did not need magical powers to protect me from. Long hard journey you can read about here,
The other day, I saw the necklace there in my jewelry box. I thought about giving it to someone, but decided against it. Just in case it had any of the powers I imagined it to have, which it doesn’t. 

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