Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Bad boyfriend

I had a string of 'em, bad boyfriends. There was one in particular who was not nice and not good-looking. And I would wonder about that when I looked back on him. Why?

The truth is that water seeks is own level. We attract what we are, pretty much. I was not in a great place at the time and thus I was with him, pretty simple.

The bad part was that he was quite a bit older than me and he took advantage of that age difference, He just had more life experience and my best was no match. I would get mad at something he did and we would fight, and he would manage to turn the tables and I would be the one apologizing at the end of the night. Tragic and predictable. The whole thing was pretty cliche, almost like math.

The thing is that he also provided me with so many amazing “gifts”, or experiences, that altered my life in amazing ways. He got me my first job where I was making great money, not scrounging like I had my whole life. I had cash and for the first time ever and I was able to take cabs and eat in restaurants and  buy dresses at Betsy Johnson and Pat Fields. It was amazing. I had grown up working class in a lot of deprivation and went on to support myself after college in a just getting by way. I had not gotten to experience what  many of the people I knew did, the simple luxury of walking into a cool store and buying what I wanted or going to a decent restaurant and ordering what I felt like. It changed my life. Thanks, Buddy.

Also he got me to be in my first band. It was an unspeakable dream I had: to play in a band! Unknowingly, he brought me to the studio, showed me a mike and an amp and then said lets play a show. I jumped at the occasion. I had never performed before and I decided I would be the guitarist and singer. It may sound insignificant perhaps, and I am not sure I have the time or capacity to explain how tiny my life and my  vision was and what that experience did for me. Basically, the band being handed to me on a platter gave me the courage to do something I dreamed of but might never have done. He affected my destiny. Thanks, Buddy.

He also talked me into going to Europe for 2 weeks. I cannot stress how small my life was up till that point. I had no cash, I had not flown on a plane until I was 21. I didn’t even have a color tv until I was in my twenties. And here I was going to Europe, something rich kids did on their parent’s dime, not something a working class lost girl did. The funny thing is that I took advantage of his gifts, (not what he paid for, but what he exposed me to), knowing that he was a bad boyfriend. I told my sister that I was scared to be so far from home with him, in places where I knew no one. She got me the phone number of a friend to carry, just in case I needed it. The trip had some rough spots, some awful moments, but all in all the experience was so liberating. Thanks, Buddy

Lastly he taught me how to stay up late and just have fun, how to do what I wanted, buy stupid things if they made me happy, not get up for a lame job. sleep in, watch cool films, dance all night, live, really. The guy was a really bad boyfriend but he changed the direction of my life for the better.

When he dumped me I remember I prayed because I was in such pain and I did not know what else to do. I was not religious or even spiritual, just a mess and maybe even an atheist. And I prayed for guidance. He dumped me and instead of curling up in the bsll of my long history of abandonment, I just accepted it, and walked away. He never seemed to get over that, probably expected me to act like the younger, less experienced one in the relationship and get rocked  to my core by his casual decision. Hell, I even expected that. I got rocked for an hour or so, but then some cool grace descended upon me and I just accepted it, left him behind and moved on like the woman I would become, but at the time still longed to be. He was a real asshole in the grand scheme of things, but one that I attracted, dated, stayed with, suffered over and eventually outgrew. I learned a lot about life from that trip. Thanks, Buddy. 

Ah, life.

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