Sunday, March 31, 2013

Easter


Easter
I was in kindergarten in ps 98, 5 years old, when it happened. I had heard the easter story, the story of Jess dying and rising from the dead, probably from seeing the two Jesus movies on TV, The Greatest Story Ever Told and KIng of Kings. I also happened to really want a View master, one of those toys that you looked at a revolving disk of slides through. Kids had then every now and then, and somehow I could never get a chance to really check it out and get a good look. I longed to check one out or have one of my own.
So one random day I was in class, kindergarten and there on a table was a View master. I had it all to myself, no one else was around or clamoring for it. I held it up to my eyes and saw some boring pictures of people in robes milling around and then I started to recognize that one was Jesus, in a white robe with long brown hair and a bead. And then I saw one slide of a stone rolled away from an emty cage and I knew what I was looking at and I cold not believe that photos existed of this, the resurrection. I was trilled and scared and in awe. I wanted  everyone to know. Did they know what was in our room, what I was holding? Photos of Jesus and the resurrection! Wow!. I donot remember what happened next did I tell the teacher or did I realize that it was just a recreation. I have no memory past that moment of awe.
I love the metaphor of dying in order to live again more fully, going through some version of a death of a part of ourselves, or of our old self so that the new can emerge. Alas, nature. Happy Spring.

Friday, March 22, 2013

When we slept together. Yes, I am talking about you.


There was a point in my life when I made a conscious decision to live life to the fullest.  I had lots of sex, made lots of mistakes, used  condoms regularly, seized the day, practiced caution to the wind. I had a radical feminist history, I did not feel the need to restrict my behavior because of my sex. I tried everything I wanted to. I aimed to be loose and free and happy. I was not secretive about any of it. Owned it all proudly. I learned so much about who I wanted to spend my time with, and what was important to me. I got a lot of seemingly important things out of my system, only to find they were not a big deal. Then the journey of my life shifted, got different, more reflective, more an inside job, less glamourous, more interesting to me. The later stories are so different the earlier ones. This mini window in is just a silly exerpt:

When we slept together:
 I wonder if you remember the details different. It doesn’t matter, you may have forgotten the whole thing. But I wonder because I wonder if you will know that I am writing about you or if you made up a whole different version. You’d do that, tell stories again and again, changing the details until they morphed in something else. I though of you as a chronic liar, but still participated. You were definitely interesting.

You were good looking, very charming, and a bit well known. Charming is deadly, if you are the type who falls for it. I was just learning this so I always had that in the back of my mind. I played with fire but with caution.

We were both working like dogs to impress the shit out of eachother, our travels, our possessions, our misadventures, our other lovers, our hair, our bodies, our clothes, who we knew, our devastating histories, our crimes, we trumped one another again and again on all the external fronts. Our hearts had nothing to do with the whole thing. It was a lot of fun. People would stare when we walked by. We looked good, that was for sure. Little did they know.

So after knowing you for maybe 72 hours, which was a long time for me, we wound up in a bedroom together, late at night and out of town. I am being vague about the details to protect the guilty. But basically we were going to spend the night together due to circumstance, not because we decided to have sex and rushed to find a room. I was unclear if you wanted to have sex with me. I wanted to, that’s why I was there. You were not clear to me, I could not get a handle on you.  

I had not intentionally wound up in a bedroom with someone who I was not sure if they wanted to sleep with me before. So here we were and it was late. There was little else so to, so I washed my face and returned to the bed in my pale green and white checkered cotton bikini underwear that I bought in Brazil, which I was going to sleep in, and nothing else. I got under the blankets and figured the ball was in your court, quite literally. You took off your shirt and looked great and laid on top of me and kissed me for a while and moved around a bit and then rolled off. None of our other articles of clothing came off. I really did not know what your experience was. I don’t know if you experienced anything or everything. You rolled off and went to sleep. I wasn’t thrilled but I had caution going into this so I was not shaken or surprised. We headed home together the next day and we were still trying to impress eachother, but much less.

We kissed a few times after that because you still looked good but we never talked about what happened. I never expected these kisses to lead to sex. I had lost interest in the chase. Too odd for me. 

Yes, my life used to be like an episode of Girls. That is why I love that show.

 Dear readers I hope you all get to live your life to the fullest and get everything out of your system that you need to and learn great lessons about who you want to spend you time with and what is important. Seize the day!  Caution to the wind! Life is good and long and wonderful.



gee i have been having trouble posting songs to go with my blog: here is Romeo Void's "I Might Like You Better if We Slept Together" you can find it yourself if you want and if the link doesn't work. xxH

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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Fear is my natural state but I work everyday to reset it to love

Today I hurt someone, caused great pain to someone who was already suffering, someone who was vulnerable and in pain and I made the pain worse.

My definition of someone who is “unavailable” as in emotionally unavailable to be in a relationship (any kind, family, friend, romance) is: someone who can be all kinds of good things, fun funny, cool, great company, nice, etc, in ordinary circumstance, but if the other person in the alleged relationship is in pain and needs them, they make the pain worse by disappearing, not being able to give, to listen, to show up, to help.

That is what I tell my friends who date unavailable guys and wish that they did not. That is how you detect if some one is a person to be with. Some people know this intrinsically. Some people who have had some kind of family related trauma growing up often do not know it and need help. I did. I needed practice to learn how to spot and avoid unavailable people because I always got tricked by their good side, as they are often bright and shiny and glowing and attractive and fun and I always gave them a chance because they meant well and they were in pain too. It might be true, but it was still a set-up, I was gonna wind up hurt and they were not gonna change because of my good looks or any other magic. Ultimately they are stuck with themselves, but I did not want to be stuck there too.

As I mentioned last week, though, I was caught in that vicious circle because I too was unavailable underneath it all. Its all an inside job, after all. So yes, I was that same hurter, the one who could not show up for you when things got real. And then I learned how and I work with it everyday. Fear is my natural state but I work everyday to reset it to love.

So today I made a mistake and I took care of myself. I corrected my mistake as best as I could and I took responsibility but the results could not be fixed and my actions caused someone who was in pain to be in worse pain. Or at least that is how it looks from the outside, I do not know what anyone is actually feeling, I can only assume. The thing is that I feel sad but not ashamed. I did not do it on purpose and I did not do it because I am unavailable and fucked up and I go around doing things I do not like but unable to stop. Today was a whole different thing. Just life on life’s terms. An innocent mistake with consequences, not serial behavior. I feel heartbroken over causing someone pain but I feel clean. I feel human and free and sad but happy of my choices to reset my messy life back to love everyday.





Wednesday, March 6, 2013

heartbreak

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens"-Rumi
Wow, this is so true in retrospect.

My story had changed so radically over the years. This is an old one, but still true.

I used to be the girl whose heart would always get broken. No one wanted to go the course with me, everyone left. I so wanted to have a relationship that was strong and real and lasting but they all fell apart. I lived in constant heartbreak. And then I realized that I really did not want a relationship. I kept intentionally choosing guys who would never stay. I actually steered away from guys who wanted what I thought I wanted, a real close relationship. I was running with the unavailable crowd to distract myself from the fact that I was unavailable, afraid of intimacy, not sex but real human closeness. Horrified. My habitually choosing the wrong person was a set up for pain and heartbreak. It was agonizing and predictable. I would have a great time with some guy for a while and then I would be in pain. Then one day I could not do it anymore. The pain of running away, the pain of inevitable heartbreak was worse then the pain of dealing with my life.
Dealing with your life is no joke, avoiding that pain is the reason for millions of addictions.

Here is what I did: I stopped dating the fun unavailable guys and I tried the available one. I did not know what would happen. I did know what would happen if I continued in my old way, that I would continue to get the same old stuff. The new road was weird, bumpy uncomfortable. I had to face all of MY resistance, fear, terror, horror. I had to change and work and try and open. All of it was hard and painful but it lead to something amazing. The old pain of heart break after heartbreak lead only to despair, but apparently it paved the way for me to dare to try something new only because I could not stand that old predictable pain and despair anymore. I never thought of it that way- that my actions were not just a waste of time, they had a real purpose, to break and break until I broke open. Wow. The reason things happen are not always revealed in this lifetime, but I suppose we must trust our path, rather than judge or complain. As Winston Churchill so famously said and I have quoted before, “if you are going through hell, keep going.”

By confronting rather than avoiding the “new” pain of “going through it”, I was lead to more than I could have ever imagined: My beautiful life with my husband, family, an open heart, not crying all the time, not hurting all the time, wonderful wonderful life, love, a whole new thing. If I can do it, you can do it. Step outside your comfort zone to have what you desire. But first you have to get sick of your old ways.



Friday, March 1, 2013

Harvey Keitel

Did I ever tell you about my love affair with Harvey Keitel? Oh dear god I was so madly in love with the young Harvey after seeing mean Streets and Who’s That Knocking At My Door. His beautiful white skin and dark hair, the way he looked in a suit, with a pinkie ring. I loved the sound of his name. Keitel. He killed me.
I went to the Thalia alone to see a screening of the Duelist, that’s how crazy I was. I befriended other people who loved Mean Streets so we could talk about the scenes and say lines of dialogue to each other. I even tried to work out the dilemma of how we could ever have a relationship with me carrying the burden of being in obsession. I did not want to scare the guy, with my illogical love. I knew that we would never be equals in a relationship, and that any relationship based on one person’s obsession was doomed. But maybe if I thought about it long enough I could come up with a solution so that we could live happily ever after. And then I met him.

He was fine, nice, lovely. But he made a comment about a friend of mine, nothing terrible, he just said “nice hair”, which he did not mean. The light remark turned me off to the point of the obsession ending right there. He was different than the imaginary person I so loved. Weird, I know. I am not a big fan of celebrities. I am not a stalker, or mentally ill, I just did not know how to deal with feelings and they came out sideways, in obsession. It could have been anyone. It just happened to be Harvey.

Anyway, all that was over a quarter of a century ago and in the famous words of Woody Allen, “Tragedy plus time equals comedy.”

What the story reminds me of today is that external validation is meaningless. It is not always all that great to be the muse, the chick the song is about, the subject of the story, the subject of a great review, or the subject of great attention. It is like when a selfish person finally turns their attention to you and it feels so great, such a bright light shining on you, but then it gets taken away again. It will always get taken away again. I have had it taken from me many times, and, as I have written here, I have taken it away from others without rhyme or reason. If you buy into the external, you will have to deal with the shitty fall out. It’s like taking drugs to feel good, but then there is always the comedown. I write these silly stories about my past and they are filled with really strong energies towards different individuals who I really did not even know. They were my greatest teachers not because of who they were, but because of who I was. Thank you teachers!

It is all an inside job, this life journey we are on. Even with true true love, it is an inside job.