Thursday, April 3, 2014


oh my, where to begin? i am a mom again, for the second time. that was the plan, the dream. it is an incredible feeling to achieve a dream goal.

so the journey was not written about here because of etiquette. like with first trimester pregnancy and in vitro fertilization, adoption is a shaky prospect. nothing is a sure bet. the prevailing thought is to refrain from talking about it because the disappointment that may happen is very real. during my first round of in vitro I told people about my process and then I had to deal with my miscarriage, the stark emptiness of having no baby at the end of all that hard work and spent money, and then having to explain my devastation to all these well-meaning hopeful smiling faces asking, “how’s it going?” dreadful. so I learned to tell a confidant or two and otherwise hold my tongue until there indeed was a baby. As you might imagine, this was hard for me, storyteller, feeling-processor, and bloggermouth.
now I get to tell you. a couple chose us to adopt their baby. the due date was in four weeks. after much planning and many expenses, the due date was on hand and we were notified that they had changed their minds. one reason to  not tell everyone about your possible adoption, or even set up a nursery or stock up on supplies, is to keep you from attaching to a baby that is not yet yours and may never be. the concept makes sense but the reality is that it is hard not to attach to a house you are trying to buy. a baby you are dreaming of raising means the world to you, no matter the circumstances. so yes, when we “lost” “our” baby a few days before he was due, the grief was the same as with my miscarriages.
that adoption had seemed meant to be. we had been ready to adopt with our agency for over a year and I had not felt much longing. then one day I felt completely ready for our second child. every cell said “where is our child?” that same afternoon, we got the call that we had been chosen and that the baby was due in a month! it all seemed so perfect, auspicious, meant. the timing was ideal, could not have been better. And then it was gone. we were the same as before, nothing had changed except for the palpable emptiness of no baby coming. devastation.
several days later it was suggested that i go to the park and lie under a tree, to let the earth absorb some of my sadness. once there I found myself having a conversation with the baby. I have experiences like this all the time. It did not freak me out. I said “I really wanted you baby. I am here for you, ready.” someone spoke back to me, saying that he was really trying to get to me, wanted to get to me and was ready. I did not know what would happen. I wondered if the people who had changed their mind would change it back. I was not about to hold my breath and wait. I sobbed from the bottom of my heart and felt better.
several days later I was given a massage. I needed it more than I knew. I slept for the next twelve hours.  when I woke I felt like a new person. I felt that I had released all of my grief and I felt ready to move ahead in acceptance of life. I was ready to be a mother to our second child and I could let go of the fact that it “was supposed to have happened last week". I could handle the mystery of waiting until it did happen, whether that was in a month or a year or whenever. urg. I did not like it but I could do it.
the next day we got a call that a baby had been born two days ago and if we wanted to adopt him, we needed to get to the hospital.  we dropped everything and went. we were at the hospital for 9 hours and went home that very same evening at midnight with our son.
if you look back at my blog, you can see the story there in the subtext of all of my posts, because, I have to get it out one way or another. not sure how much I will be writing in the upcoming months, maybe still once a week. we will find out, won’t we? miracles abound in this magical life of ours. ttyl.