Tuesday, December 30, 2014

my biggest fears

I am flexing my writing muscle, mother of 2 be damned. I am getting back in the habit of blogging regularly, even if it just a sentence or two some days.

My biggest fears when becoming a mom were so silly and superficial. Of course the fear is always there of what if something goes terribly wrong or what if something terrible happens. What I did to have the courage to take the plunge was make up smaller goofy fears to take my mind off of the true terror.

I was on board and trusting of the process of becoming a parent, caution to the wind, but my big fear was of having a baby that I did not think was cute. It really was. My first child I knew would be a girl. I just knew it. And she was. But I worried if she would be someone I did not relate to visually. Maybe if she had looked different than my idea of a cute baby, then maybe I would still have seen her as gorgeous. Probably. But in any case the baby that came to me was the spitting image of what I thought was cute prior to her being born. Phew!

Things got really real when we were getting ready for the second baby, which was the dream, to have two children. Becoming a parent, introducing a new human being into your life forever, is indeed one of the greatest gambles. Our daughter, while strong and certainly not an “easy” kid, was so amazing and now we were going to roll the dice again. Anything could happen and it could really mess up our great situation….

I had heard the stories about people with the perfect little angel girl and then the second child was a Neanderthal terror that wrecked the easy living. Since our strong girl had always been a wild one, that was not my fear. What I was really scared of was having a boy, period.

I was so afraid of boys. I wanted two girls, plain and simple. I had no idea what to do with a boy, how to dress him, how to act with him. Everyone said, “You just have to love him, Holly”, but that did not help. Silly, I know, but it was even scarier if the boy looked unlike my dream baby. What if he had a big head and no hair and wasn’t cute and became a jock! (No offense to the bigheaded baldy jock babies out there, I’m sure you are amazing!)

Deep down I suspected baby number two would indeed be male, because although I cultivate ease in my life, my experience has often been that I am asked to walk through fire again and again around the big life milestones. And I was correct; my second child is indeed a boy, my son. And oh how grand it is to have a son. Who knew?  And since I walked through fire on the sex (although once I held him, it was not hard or fiery at all), I was granted ease on the unimportant issue of looks. He was more beautiful than I could have imagined.

In this long life of mine, my worst fears have manifested many times and have always been a blessing. Fear is a strange illusion. A real distracter. So I write to remind myself to feel the fear and do it anyway. Do not allow fear to get in the way. Do those dreams that you’ve been dragging your feet on. Get on up and start. Every journey begins with the first step and once you take action the universe rises to the occasion and helps you in a myriad of ways. Leap and the net will appear. Be brave my sisters and brothers as we face the dawn of the new year.  Life is awaiting us, full of miracles and joy.


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