Thursday, December 31, 2015

I love you

Thanks for reading. all the best to you dear ones in 2016. I like to end the year as I always do,  with a reading of my favorite poem. I'm sending out to you all, with love and respect. peace on earth. xholly

Footnote to Howl

Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy! The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy!
Everything is holy! everybody’s holy! everywhere is holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman’s an angel!
The bum’s as holy as the seraphim! the madman is holy as you my soul are holy!
The typewriter is holy the poem is holy the voice is holy the hearers are holy the ecstasy is holy!
Holy Peter holy Allen holy Solomon holy Lucien holy Kerouac holy Huncke holy Burroughs holy Cassady holy the unknown buggered and suffering beggars holy the hideous human angels!
Holy my mother in the insane asylum! Holy the cocks of the grandfathers of Kansas!
Holy the groaning saxophone! Holy the bop apocalypse! Holy the jazzbands marijuana hipsters peace peyote pipes & drums!
Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the mysterious rivers of tears under the streets!
Holy the lone juggernaut! Holy the vast lamb of the middleclass! Holy the crazy shepherds of rebellion! Who digs Los Angeles IS Los Angeles!
Holy New York Holy San Francisco Holy Peoria & Seattle Holy Paris Holy Tangiers Holy Moscow Holy Istanbul!
Holy time in eternity holy eternity in time holy the clocks in space holy the fourth dimension holy the fifth International holy the Angel in Moloch!
Holy the sea holy the desert holy the railroad holy the locomotive holy the visions holy the hallucinations holy the miracles holy the eyeball holy the abyss!
Holy forgiveness! mercy! charity! faith! Holy! Ours! bodies! suffering! magnanimity!
Holy the supernatural extra brilliant intelligent kindness of the soul!

                                                                                                            Berkeley 1955

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

3 more things

Back when I had time and money to burn I went to some office in midtown and had two silver rings cast. One said “Motor” with two dots over the “o” and the other said “head”. I found them last night and am wearing them as I type. I have been remembering how important Lemmy and his band had been to me. They really were the epitome of cool.

In my humble opinion I feel like Lemmy had always been at peace with life and I think he is at peace with death, he pretty much said that publicly. So I am compelled to write a little more tonight and compelled to keep it light and just give credit where credit is due:

1. Lemmy had great style because he knew how to wear white shoes, a brilliant look that very few men (or women) know how to rock.

2. There is no band shirt cooler than “Gimme Motorhead”. the "Motorhead "/"England" one comes pretty close.

3. Everyone who knows the band knows this but so many others do not, so it bears mentioning that Lemmy named his album “No Sleep till Hammersmith” before the Beastie Boys, in homage, came out with “No Sleep till Brooklyn.” The difference is that Lemmy meant it.

End of an era. Peace.

This clip is brilliant
read the story here:

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Love forever

I am constantly blown away by love. People showing up for one another, people showing up for me, people persevering and thriving in the face of adversity and pain, people changing each other’s lives unknowingly, leading by example, giving freely, fighting the good fight, doing the right thing, generously being of service, doing it all anonymously.

I am honored to be part of the human race, so lucky to be alive, so grateful for my capacity to feel and being given the grace to feel all of my feelings.

I am sending love out to everyone tonight. Thank you thank you thank you all for everything, the good the bad and the ugly. We are here now and it is the best, it is everything, and it is all we will ever have.  HAVE IT ALL.

Monday, December 28, 2015

"I'll be your sister" mid eighties nyc

Back in the mid eighties, I dated this guy great looking young hippie guy who lived in a squat in the east village. He lived with an old viet nam vet in a wheel chair and a couple of rastas, guy who I’d seen around the neighborhood for years. The bathroom in his squat did not have a door, just a curtain and he did not have a room or a bed, just a space on the floor. He had a southern accent and a strong body and light brown long wavy hair and he looked like he had stepped out of a particular Charles Gatewood photo, really cool like a young Lemmy from Motorhead, and we ran around together for a while.

One night everyone was going to see Motorhead at L’amours, the rock capitol of Brooklyn, as they referred to themselves. On a side note, at the time a heavy metal club in Brooklyn was the epitome of uncool, but Motorhead was playing there, so it was cool for the night. My ex-boyfriend was driving the van that was taking everyone. It was weird to tag along with my sweetheart but Motorhead was playing so I swallowed my pride and said hi and got in his van and gave money for gas.

I often think of Lemmy when I say, and I say it often, "the first one through the wall always gets bloodied". He invented a certain sound that some other bands got rich doing. Life is like that. They say he got his name Lemmy because he was always saying “lemme a fiver.” Lemmy passed away today, that sound will live on forever.  RIP.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Airport peace, transatlantic tripping and throw up on the way to lax!

I crossed the continent today.

on the plane I remembered flying from London with a guy in the late 80's. We had hash left over from Amsterdam and so right before security we ate it. he passed out and I tripped my brains out alone on my first transatlantic flight, my third flight ever. I kept pushing the button that tells the stewardess to come to you seat, not knowing that is what it did. Ah, youth

Our holiday air travels were soooooo stress less and easy. I was nervous as I second guessed flying, scared that it was a mistake to try and fly for a vacation over Xmas. Then, as  we were about to leave to go to LAX, we were actually walking out the door of out home, my son vomited and I had to take off all of his clothes and diaper and stick him in the tub. And we had forgotten to factor long term parking into our plan and we were sitting in 3 separate rows on the plane- me and my lap infant in one row, husband in another, and 5 year old in another. we wre running so late yet, shockingly, somehow it was so easy to get to the airport and get through security and get to the gate early to find out they had already fixed our seats and put us all together. Coming home was just was fast and easy. Airport  peaceful! 

If I were posting songs, it would be this:

Friday, December 25, 2015

14: merry Christmas

I missed being with my new york family this Christmas but spent it on vacation in Miami because it was the only time my husband was free and we really needed a vacation. We are in heaven here.

The ocean in Miami is the best American beach. In south beach there is a sand bar 80 feet or so from the shore so the crystal blue green water of my beloved Atlantic is calm and rolling like an inlet, like Coney Island, and it is ideal for kids. We clowned around in paradise all week and Santa managed to find us in or hotel on this 85 degree balmy day. Not a bad way to spend Christmas, but it was easy to forget all about the holidays.

today I thought about spending an icy stingy cold Christmas night going to see Johnny Thunders at the Pepermint Lounge and another Christmas night throwing a green door party and dancing till dawn and going to another party after that.

Tonight I miss my sister and niece and mom, and tradition, but I am thrilled to lay in bed and watch Bob's Burgers and The Cleveland Show with my husband and kids (luckily it is all over their heads, but still funny to them). Happy holidays and joy to the world.

If I were linking songs of course it would be

Thursday, December 24, 2015

A great film on Netflix, Tangerine


Sorry to gush here but...

Everybody needs to see this film. It is one of the best films of the year and I have seen most of them. I don't talk about it a lot but I love film and have strong opinions. I liked many of the talked about films this year, but Tangerine (shot entirely on an iPhone and had a buzz at sundance) is brilliant. Brilliant because of its subject matter and its characters and the perfection of the story craft. Amazing locations and sound really add to it.

I love films about the street, like City of God and Raising Victor Vargas. I love when someone tells stories about my kind of people  properly. I love when someone creates great real characters. I love when a film touches me deep inside, moves me, gets to the humanity of the story, makes me cry, actually. This film hits those marks and has stunning memorable scenes that show extraordinary craft. Oh, and it is sex-positive. 

I will just say that I wasn't sold at first. It took a little while, so give it time. The last scene is up there with some of my favorite film endings. I shouldn't say that, because it is a disservice, because it creates expectations. The film and the ending is small and subtle, so let go of expectations. This movie is light and silly, it is a comedy, but also so dark and heavy and powerful. It is small but so very universal. And such a real view into a certain world I used to have the privilege of  hanging around the peripheries of. I miss the fun part of that scene, and also the human beauty of it and felt so lucky to be let into that world again. 

I have said it before, I always try to put my money where my mouth is and support films by and about the communities I am a part of and I care about. This is one of them. And it is on Netflix!!!! So you have no excuse.

(Tangerine is a 2015 American comedy-drama film written and directed by Sean S. Baker and Chris Bergoch, starring Kitana Kiki Rodriguez, Mya Taylor, and James Ransone. The story follows a transgender sex worker who discovers her boyfriend and pimp has been cheating on her.)

If I were posting songs I'd post Tangerine by Zepplin, oh, I can hear it so clearly.  Xxh

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Paradise forever

Paul McCartney once talked about why he was in bands and toured and made music for all these years after being a Beatle. He said that you can only lay on a beach in paradise for o long and that you want to get back into doing something. I am paraphrasing. Anyway, I never understood that. All I ever wanted was to be so cushy that I could spend the next several decades lying on a beach in paradise.
Yesterday while relaxing in paradise, I finally understood that a person might have ambition and drive and might get bored after getting some rest.
Today, I am back to wanting to stay here for a few decades.

Sorry I am not posting songs this week, writing is enough. Xh

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Nyc 1989: Sneaking into pools and getting into fights

In the late 80's I was dating this ex con who was trouble and also up for  lots of adventure, thus the appeal. One hot summer night he said "let's go sneak into the Leroy street pool". I forget the real name of it, the public pool in the west village. Anyway, I was thrilled to go for a midnight swim and have someone willing to do it with me. We hopped the fence and took off our clothes and swam in our underwear. I had on a black bra and black underwear. It was so fun to swim under the stars on a horribly humid New York night. 

There were a bunch of teenagers and a few older guys  hanging out there already when we got there. When we got out of the pool and put our clothes on, my boyfriend's Cramps shirt was missing. he walked up to the other trespassers and said in typical prison fashion, "which one of you assholes took my tee shirt. Someone gestured to show him his shirt was on a roof of some structure. My boyfriend scaled the wall in a very Spider-Man way and grabbed his shirt and we started to leave the pool.

suddenly, one of the guys yelled something like "get him" and everyone jumped up and chased us. Chased him, but I was chased by proximity. We got to the locked gate of the pool and I have no idea home we got out, but we did, and flooding out after us was everybody else. For some reason no one touched me but they started to beat up my partner pretty bad. Then someone's big brother drove by and yelled at him for ganging up on someone. That killed the mood I guess and they stopped besting him up. my boyfriend said he'd fight any one of them one on one but no one took him up.

Walking home bloodied, we saw a cop car and told them what happened and they just shrugged.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Urgent care again

The longest night of the year is upon us.

My little horse must think it queer to stop without a farmhouse near between the road and frozen lake the darkest evening of the year....

Anyway, I hope it is a metaphor for us all, just like in the Robert Frost poem I memorized in grammar school and quoted here possibly in accurately, but from memory.

I am on vacation. Spent the day at urgent care for one of the kids. It is the tenth time at the doctors in the last few weeks. Getting so sick of going to the doctors. I hope the days getting longer means that the worst is over on every level.

Tired, but peaceful with a good attitude. everything is grand but I hope to get to relax on the beach tomorrow.

19: everything is everything

if you have been reading about my very human experience this last week, i just want to check in that I can always take a look at the bigger picture.

here is this (from some facebook post sighted below):

"The universe is connected and alive and we are a part of the metric of space." - Nassim Haramein
"Every living being is an engine geared to the wheelwork of the universe. Though seemingly affected only by its immediate surrounding, the sphere of external influence extends to infinite distance." – Nikola Tesla
“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ― Albert Einstein
“You are not IN the universe, you ARE the universe, an intrinsic part of it. Ultimately you are not a person, but a focal point where the universe is becoming conscious of itself. What an amazing miracle.” ― Eckhart Tolle
“You are a function of what the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is a function of what the whole ocean is doing.” ― Alan Watts
"We are most probably here for local information-gathering and local-Universe problem-solving in support of the integrity of eternally regenerative Universe." – Buckminster Fuller
“Recognize that the very molecules that make up your body, the atoms that construct the molecules, are traceable to the crucibles that were once the centers of high mass stars that exploded their chemically rich guts into the galaxy, enriching pristine gas clouds with the chemistry of life. So that we are all connected to each other biologically, to the earth chemically and to the rest of the universe atomically. That’s kinda cool! That makes me smile and I actually feel quite large at the end of that. It’s not that we are better than the universe, we are part of the universe. We are in the universe and the universe is in us. ” - Neil deGrasse Tyson
“Get over it, and accept the inarguable conclusion. The universe is immaterial-mental and spiritual.” – R.C. Henry, Professor of physics and Astronomy at Johns Hopkins University

Saturday, December 19, 2015

perspective is everything

After all the b.s. we are bug free. (If you haven’t been reading this week, we had a bug situation in our home.)  What I noticed after I consciously let go of all my stress was how perfect and helpful all of the circumstances of the events were. I did not have lice, but I found a lice bug in my ear, tickling me. I got checked and was lice free and that was that. I never even thought about my kids whose heads had looked fine when I checked them and who were not itchy. Then I got checked again because I kept feeling itchy. I was still bug free but because of the perfectly timed terror threat in the los angeles public schools, I happened to have my kids with me that day and on an off chance I happened to see my son scratched his head unconsciously for a second. I had them checked for peace of mind.
That little course of events could have been the difference between easy lice removal, which we did because we nipped it in the bud, or infestation, which could have happened had we let it go for a few weeks, since I had no awareness that my kids had it. When it is going on for a while, it can be really hard to get rid of I hear. It was all a perfect example of how things can seem great and be terrible or seem terrible and be great. 
Our perspective colors everything. You really never know where a course of events is going to lead you. I feel so blessed that if I was going to have bugs that it went down this way. Hard as hell, but so much easier than it could have been. So very many lucky coincidences. Thank you universe.

On a side note, the kid threw up in the bed tonight on the clean bug free sheets. We are traveling tomorrow and have so much to do, but I just remembered, in the words of the wise Steve Marrone, that “he is doing what he is supposed to be doing,” being a kids. One more load of wash won’t kill me. So interesting how I do not feel like I am in a tidal wave of misfortune anymore even though lots and lots of difficult stuff is happening to me. Keep Calm and carry on.
Stay curious and light and focus on the positive, it makes life so much better. I write this to remind myself.

Friday, December 18, 2015

21: Everything is better

Yesterday in the eye of the storm I bought a snack in the cool health food store, not whole foods, and I asked the older man guy at the check out how he was. He said fine and asked me back and I said fine and then I said “No I’m not. I am doing terrible. I am under so much stress. It is awful.” He immediately nodded. I said that it felt like I was baring the stress of the whole city and he said, “I know.” I said that it seemed to come with the season whether you wanted it or not, even if you were trying to detach somehow you got pulled into the vortex of stress and he said  “I know. It is terrible right now.” I said thanks and left.

Later that night I meditated sitting up for the first time in a long time. I meditate every night while I am putting the little one to bed and I am lying down. It is imperfect but the only way right now. Anyway, while sitting, I felt the energy bouncing around my body like a pinball machine. It was almost painful, but then it started to subside. I started to ground and then everything changed. i already knew it would. I was released from the tidal wave of misfortune that I’ve been howling over for the last few days and every thing went miraculously smooth today. Now I am in complete ease. Everything is awesome and what a difference a day makes.

Meditate for life. so easy, so hard.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

two times I called my sister crying

Sometimes I call my sister when I just need to tell her of my horrible day and have someone listen. I did it today because our Christmas card got messed up by the company making it and we won’t have it till after Christmas. Small potatoes, I know. But also my son threw up in the car. His antibiotics could not be made at several pharmacies and I spent a couple of hours trying to get it for him. We are supposed to travel soon and may not get to. I am washing heads and sheets more than humanly possible each day due to a situation in the home. My husband is working late all week so I am not even seeing him. He did not know about the epidemic in the house and put dirty towels on top of clean ones and everything had to be rewashed as if it wasn’t already enough wash to drive someone mad. Anyway, things are crazy difficult right now, so I called and cried. 

(I write all this because I feel like I am in a tidal wave of hardship and I am curious what will make it end. I have been told to surrender and I feel that I have, but I sill have to “plow the field” all day long and it is so exhausting. Lets see how I get out of this mess. Hmmmm. Anyway I have gratitude for again tonight having two additional adults helping me. I am so lucky to have help, but I am still beat up pretty bad and feeling like I am getting sick.)

Then I remembered this other time I called my sister sobbing. It was on her daughter’s birthday. I was working for this famous hair designer guy who did runway show for fashion week and magazine shoots. I was the wrong person for the job. I was supposed to be his assistant and I had no idea that that meant that I was just supposed to be there for his every need. I was just waiting for the day to end so I could get paid. Anyway, I was trying to get to my niece’s birthday party so I managed to get out of a photo shoot that was going on for too long in my humble opinion. I got to grand central and just missed the train to her house so that meant I would be there an hour later. the party was almost over already and I had tried so hard to get there on time and I burst out sobbing. It wasn’t a healthy sobbing, it was more like an insane sobbing about my whole shitty life, not just that day.  I was broke all the time, working awful jobs, dating unavailable guys and just not happy. I called her alot in that way. I am really glad that I am not living that life any more and I am not calling her in that way. Today was just a drag. And she was there for me. Today my suffering at least has purpose, I am taking care of my family. I am lucky.

Sometimes it is hard to do what you have to do.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

23: turn that ship around

thank you all for caring and offering empathy yesterday. i was overwhelmed by the kindness. so here are today's luxury problems and the tiny insight.

1. My favorite sweater, the one that I wear all the time because it looks so good on me and fixes any issues, the one that is like my uniform and is soooo flattering, got shrunk and wrecked, washed in warm water by mistake. 

2. An acquaintance  of around 30 or 40 (?) heard someone ask me “how is the baby?” and he said “oh you have grandkids?" Yep. I am being asked to be humble. Taking it all with a grain of salt, as best I can

Aside from that, I had two adults help with the lice cleaning tonight which was amazing and it was still unmanageable, but I am so glad to have two little heads that are mine to care for, so I am doing my best with the task at hand.

For every difficulty there is the brilliant luck that I have some amazing gift that caused the difficulty. If I am hurt by loss, the gratitude is because I was lucky enough to have had. If I am horrified by the pile of dishes, I am thankful for the food. Turn it around.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

I am sure that nobody cares about this

I am going to write what I often think when writing but never write, and say, I am sure that nobody cares about this. I need a shoulder to cry on and I need empathy and I need to keep it positive or I will melt down myself, so I am writing it.

it is 9:30pm and I  have not eaten dinner yet. So very hungary and exhausted, I write while heating a random lame dinner.

After finding out the public schools were closed due to terror threat this lovely morning, I decided to get my itchy head checked for lice. I had already been declared lice free by professionals on the weekend and I had checked the whole family and found not a thing, but still felt itchy.

I am indeed still lice free. However, I saw my son scratch his head at the salon so I asked them to check him, just for peace of mind, and lo and behold both kids had it. Maximum drag.

So we got checked at noon, and had to come back at 3 to be treated. My son napped during the break and then we were there in the salon till 5:30 and drove home in rush hour traffic till 6:30. Then I had to wash everything and had no quarters. By the time I got quarters from neighbors and got the wash in the machines it was already the kids bedtime. The ordeal took the entire day and is far from over

Here are the miracles:
I had the sense to bring lunch and dinner to the salon so they ate lunch on the way, ate snacks during the treatment and ate dinner in the car home. It was sheerly miraculous that this happened. So when I got them home so late they were well fed and calm and after the wash was in the machines I gave them a quick bath and got them to bed only about 45 minutes later than normal.

Incase you are just reading this cold, my whole day is centered around feeding my kids, they need to eat so much and their whole state of mind is dependent on food. The same for schedules and sleep. They need routine and somehow I kept it together. I also need routines. I love having them in bed and having time to unwind each night. It is the only way to recharge for the next day.

But today they got off to sleep late and now I am cooking and there is a sink full of dishes and no sleep till hammersmith my dear friends… but I did what needed to be done and that is amazing. Wish me luck as I spend this holiday charged week doing the wash daily and cleaning wildly and hopefully having a bug free Christmas vacation. Stay calm and carry on ( I always liked the original).

Monday, December 14, 2015

25: the tip of the iceberg

My parents did not tell me much about life or what to expect or how to succeed. My father told me a few things over time. The things I enter the grown up world knowing were:

don't get a credit card, they charge you money to use them
pay your bills on time, if affects your credit score or your ability to borrow money
take care of your health, your body is like a house and you need to fix whatever is wrong or it will eventually mess up the foundation. make sure you get well before you push yourself or you will get sick again and it will be worse.
life is life the ocean, the waves just keep coming, go with it.
be a good friend
maybe I am leaving out a couple more, but that is all that comes to mind.

they were not bad pieces of information, but spotty. There was a lot left out that I had to learn on my own. I graduated college and was out there on my own, figuring it out. I was out there on my own figuring it out in high school and grammar school and earlier as well, but I had some help. after college graduation, I was alone, figuring out how to get an apartment, pay rent, how to shop, cook, budget, how to meet someone, be in a relationship, determine if it was the relationship I wanted, get out if it wasn't, how to live a fulfilling life doing what I wanted, how to find my calling and my purpose, how to be happy, how to negotiate, how to work hard, how to enjoy myself, how to persevere, how to give, how to receive, how to handle stress and rejection and tragedy and pain, how to show up, how to set  boundaries, how to  meet my needs, how to express my needs, how to express my feelings, how to feel my feelings. and so much more, yes?

lots to think about in regard to what you want to teach your kids.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Pioneers of erotica (via Paper Mag)

I love and appreciate pioneers of all kinds. As I say again and again, the first one through the wall always gets bloodied. And yet they still do it!! Human spirit! Pioneers blaze trails that we all get to enjoy. Pioneers crossed America and hacked their way through rough terrain so we could one day drive from atlantic to pacific. I am always in awe of the energy that takes (creating a mountain pass??!!) I like to think of myself as a pioneer in my family, changing the neural pathways, exploring new routes, going where no one has gone before. And yes, that takes much hard work.

I am also in awe of the underground, my home for many years. Today I am just going to share this link from Paper Magazine on the 10 most important erotica pioneers, an educational and entertaining read. The article includes a bunch of links. I recommend the Jean Genet short film of gay erotica, Un Chant d'Amour. It runs 25 minutes and is the only film he ever made. Stunning. See you tomorrow enjoy the weekend.

Do what you need to do. Be a pioneer. Show someone the way by going first.

Saturday, December 12, 2015


Today, dec 11, is the anniversary of the death of singer, brilliant songwriter and illustrious recording artist Sam Cooke. He would have been only 84 had he had the chance to live. He was fatally shot, under very suspicious circumstances, at 33 at the Hacienda Motel on Figeroa, here in Los Angeles. So young and such a loss for us all.

As a young teen, my first boyfriend would play me Sam Cooke records as we lay on his bed. Nothing unusual for young lovers except that, other than Buddy Holly, the rest of his record collection was The Dead Kennedy’s, the Stooges, The Angry Samoans, Minor Threat and  so on.

One of my favorite recordings of all time, and a must for your collection if you do not have it, is Sam Cook Live at the Harlem Square Club, from 1963. Sam is living up to his namesake and cooking. His personality is captured so well it leaps off the vinyl and he is incredibly likeable and charismatic. you can just feel the electricity in the room and you just wish you were part of that crowd. One of the sings he does at the show is “(Don’t Fight It) Feel It”, which is a line I am ultra found of saying, since it is the key to happiness, yes? I use it not about giving in to temptation, but about feeling your feelings rather than using substances. Funny.

I will leave you with his civil rights era protest classic and top 40 hit “A Change is Gonna Come, ” which was released after his death. Please let that change come. We miss you Sam Cooke. 

Friday, December 11, 2015

28: growing up

Yesterday I went to my daughter’s school to give her the antibiotics I forgot to give her in the morning. The office called her classroom and asked her to come to the office to take her medicine.  I waited in the office a few minutes and I heard her and another girl talking and walking down the corridor.

They came into the room and I talked to them both, thanked the friend for coming with her, gave my kid the meds and  kissed her and sent her back. The girls went out the wrong door and giggled as they realized and bumbled around a bit and then found their way and headed back to class. I walked over to the gate and I watched them walk down the hall in their dresses and cool modern kid shoes and stayed till they disappear into their classroom.

I was a bit overwhelmed with feelings, as it was this perfect little moment of watching someone grow up. I watched her leave me comfortably, knowing where she was going and happy to go there, happily chatting with her friend on their adventure. It was no bid deal but so profound, sweet, bittersweet, touching, moving and universal. Everything, really, in that short incident.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

29: on this day in rock history cbgb's opened it's doors...

Today, Dec 10th, is the anniversary of the opening of CBGB’s, 42 years ago in 1973. I am not all the invested in that part of my history. I spent many a night there, played there a bunch of times, including my first show. Kissed a few players there, had my only fist fight there, saw many great bands there, grew up there, but I have lived so many lives since then. I am not attached to it in a card carrying member type way. I certainly do not distancemyself but it was not the high point that I try to relive either. It was a great time, one period in the long illustrious life, as it should be. Still, I clicked on a link and watched the 1978 documentary about the joint. What is amazing, aside from how everybody talks the way I used to talk (and still do sometimes, but not as bad, right?) is how that sensibility of early new york punk is etched into my brain, is almost part of my DNA, it is so intrinsic to who I am even if I am so many other things too and so far away from it all. Mindblowing how our past informs us forever in a great way. A young Dee Dee still makes me swoon in some ancient teenage way. Fun to watch and remember and feel and taste and smell and hear. Happy birthday old pal. Embrace it all, people.

If you wanna watch the doc:

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

30: 50, 100 words

I turn 50 in one month. Time is fast and life is fragile.

I was ready to stop writing this blog a month or so ago because I was having a hard time thinking of things to write and I thought no one really cared and I thought I could use the time more productively. But I wrote through the doubt and people contacted me and let me know they were affected by my writing, in a good way. That I helped. Everytime one person tells me that, it gives me a reason to keep writing, so thank you lovelies.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015


“Nothing you love is lost. Not really. Things, people—they always go away, sooner or later. You can’t hold them, any more than you can hold moonlight. But if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you, then they’re still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart.” - Bruce Coville

Nick Alexander’s sister posted this beautiful quote. Nick is my friend who was killed in the Paris night club terrorist attack. Less than 4 weeks ago. I am still moving in and out of grief, which is normal because it is a long process. I bother to mention that because it is not something I hear spoken about very often and one can try to rush through or cover over grief, since it is unpleasant, but  the only way through it is to feel it. Some days I feel like I am moving through heavy glue, I feel stuck and depressed and it sucks and I move through it, dragging my heavy feet. It is a drag. the price of being human and having a heart. It changes.

I think of Nick daily. I was so touched when his sister contacted me and informed me that Nick had recently made a top 10 list  of his favorite songs and I was on the list with my song Kiss Like a Waterfall. I don’t know what else to say……I makes me really happy and really sad at the same time. Ultimately really happy, but bittersweet.

Don't fight it , feel it, even when it is a drag, you are saving your own life. 

Step up and do your creative projects. Just do it.  You never know who you might touch. Sometimes it is just one person and that is enough.

Monday, December 7, 2015

am i pregnant?

Let's start at the beginning. So my period is a few weeks late, which it never is, and today I felt nauseated all day. (is that the right way to say it, apparently saying I felt nauseous, which I have said my whole like, is incorrect. Anyway, too freaked out to care). So it is pretty impossible for me to be pregnant, but the couple of times I was, I felt like this. Could you imagine!!?? If I am pregnant I would be having  a baby at 50. OMG. This is way to crazy.

I figured I would write about it just incase I am, so we have a starting point to the story. I really do not want another baby, but.....I mean I am pretty overwhelmed with two kids and really excited that soon the youngest will start nursery school. My husband and I sometimes refer to the time in the future when we won't have little ones and we can do more things like trave,l and have get always, and sleep in, and oh so many freedoms... but alas, if I am pregnant it will just add two years onto the time frame. We will just be sent back to "start" and life will still all happen as we imagined, just two years later. Urg. I really DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO START. I really like where I am as a parent and where I am going. The reason I am able to write this blog is because I am not invested in being pregnant, if I were I would never write this. BUT, I will say that if I were to be given the opportunity to give birth to a child, I would have to take it. I could not say no, if the embreyo were healthy and all that. I think I would have to go for it. I would want the experience. I hope I am not pregnant.

So I am guessing that I am not pregnant, because it is almost impossible. I won't say anything else about it unless it turns out I am, and then you will be along for the whole ride. Kinda like the Oscars but less exciting and interesting to most people. not me. xxh

get the facts, stay open to possibility, keep an open mind, oh wow...

Sunday, December 6, 2015

33: Santa ordeal

We went to take a photo with Santa today. We go to this hectic place in Hollywood because they have the same guy every year. For 6 years we have sat our kid/s on this one guy’s lap. It takes FOREVER but it is sweet in the end.

You could make appointments this year, but we are not people who can keep appointments, sometimes we just need to sleep in, sometimes it is an emergency. So today, we had planned to have a sitter come at 8am so we could get some rest and the sitter called to say she could not come because she was ill so we had to get up and parent. So we decided to brave the Santa situation.

We went and put our name on a 3.5 hour wait list, we got brunch, I took one kid to the park and my husband drove the other around for a car nap, and 3.5hours later we got on a line and 45 minutes later we were one person away from our photo when they shut the stand down for a “break”. My head almost blew off my head but within 15 minutes we had the photo.

I get incredibly anxious and teeter on the verge of anger during this type of wait but the miracle is that my husband stays calm and with his help we brave through the ordeal and now we have the photo.

They are only little for a short amount of time. We are trying to be here now and enjoy it. not always easy, but always worth it.

When climbing Mount Everest and trying to stay alive, remember to pause and enjoy the view and take it all in.

No reason to post this song, but I am feeling it, great anthem...
"THey say they're  a part of you and that's not true you know. they say they got control of you and that's a lie you know. They say you will never be free."

Saturday, December 5, 2015

34: action and peace

I have nothing to write.....broken record...... I am really shook up by the murders going on. 

I am off, I am in mourning, I feel scared, I worry about my children’s futures. I really want them to grow uo and I really want them to grow up with parents. This round is hitting me harder than sept 11th, although at that time my apartment was a few feet from the line of demarcation where armed military stood in a line not letting anyone past if they did not live there. I would have to open my dirty laundry bag to show the men with long guns what I had inside when I would do the wash. But I just had me to worry about and I knew better to buy into the fear based way of life.

Now I find that I am always edging towards the fear based way of life and I have to pull myself back and remember that there is always an impeding disaster if you are looking for one. There is always a reason to lose faith in humanity and live in fear and terror. As a teen I bought into the whole Reagan cold war and the impending nuclear war. There is always something to buy into. This stuff is real and we must take actions. Make call after call and change the gun laws, defeat the nra’s tyranny. BUT I still have to choose to live in peace. Terrible things can happen and do, but I refuse to let that color my life. I have already survived being the victim of incest as a child and growing up without emotional support, a little kid alone with those experiences, gross. I survived going to court and having the fate of my family decided by a judge and it costing me 6 figures. I know what it is to bravely surrender to peace. I know that no matter what happens, I can choose peace. I will be happy when this period passes and things normalize. It always does and they always do. Peace on earth, good will towards all.

keep remembering who you are and what you believe.

Friday, December 4, 2015

35; I am a dj , I am what I play

my first time djing

My friend was doing a night at King Tuts Wah Wah Hut and he asked me to dj, he said it was really easy and to just bring my records. It was really easy. I remember much of my playlist. My taste changed so much since but I played all these old poppy 1960’s 45’s. Party Light’s by Claudine Clark, Palisades Park by Freddy Boom Boom Cannon, I Know by Barbara George, Be My Baby by The Ronettes. Threw in some Link Wray, The Clash, The Ramones, The Stones. It was all right there, dancey poppy groovy songs with great vox attitude and feel. That was the start of it all.

i definitely spun this one: 

Thursday, December 3, 2015

36: "its really something to see, this cat named Mickey doing the monkey"

this one guy

oh I adored him. He was in a band that I thought was amazing. (big surprise). He was a little older than me. We had this awful back and forth thing.

At first he had no interest in me. Then one night we played our first show together and he approached me smiling and asked if he could crash at my place (his band was from out of town). I was beaming when I said yes. Finally we were hooking up….

When he got to my place late that night he had brought a girl with him, not for us to be with, but for him to be with, maybe me, but either way, for him. I was so shocked and devastated when I opened up my door. I should have just shut the door and said sorry for the misunderstanding, but I did not have the skill to handle myself in bad situations yet. There happened to be an extra empty bed at my place that night and I just acted casual, like I was not hurt or had any expectations, after all we had not discussed the matter, I had just assumed. I just showed them the empty bed as if that was what i was expecting and went into my room and lay there with the tv on sick to my stomache from the rejection. That was the end of my interest in him.

Then one night a year or so later at the greendoor, I was dancing by myself and I was in my prime (one of my many primes). I had blossomed from the fan to the star. My band was cooking, my hair was beautiful, I had tons of cash, lots to show externally, mucho confidence, and it was MY PARTY, the greendoor, this rocking scene where everyone was dancing and having an amazing time and hooking up.

Out of nowhere this great looking guy grabs me and starts dancing with me in an equally confident way. I did not know who it was but it was fun. After a while I realized it was the guy. We went to my place later that night and after he got me off I just went to sleep and did not reciprocate the sex act. I used to do that sometimes, it was a bit of a vendetta, to equal the orgasmic score between men and women in the world. Silly I know, but that was part of my empowerment process, and not the most terrible thing. Anyway, I was also just exhausted- we had danced till 5 am and then I had a sexual experience and I had nothing left to give. Sorry. It was also a bit of unconscious revenge from that past night. Se la vie....

The next morning I had to go to the Coney Island Mermaid Parade and I had not finished making my fin and I was in no mood to finish the sex what we had started. (And yes, we made a short film that included that story and went to sundance in 2004). The parade was a big deal to me, one of my favorite things to do each year and I planned on doing it so I sat and I sewed and he left.

Well life danced on and he showed up again at one of our greendoor parties. This time it was on 1st street in nyc and there was a pool in the back yard. Oh man, my dream come true, Some of my favorite memories happened at that apartment turned nightclub and pool party. So the guy comes over  and flirted a bit and I reciprocated because he was fun and goodlooking. After he ensured that I would go home with him again, he started to hit on this girl who was very problematic and competitive with me. I did indeed experience a mild twinge of being dumped for someone else. It wasn’t a big deal, but i wasn't happy about it. I did take pride that he still needed to come to my parties, because they were the place to be. I do not think i have seen him since.

At the time I thought that he got me last, but I got him best. The whole affair is still funny to me. So silly. Gosh I used to be so competitive in my wild wild wild youth. Now it is all water under the bridge. Thanks and sorry. Best to you, dear sir.