Thursday, February 19, 2015

anxiety and the the real feelings....

I am wiped out. I am supposed to be having fun but the kids and the sleep and the obligations are a lot.  I cannot imagine going to a party right now, yet that is what I am supposed to be doing this time tomorrow.  I write this to be honest about where I am at, not to complain. It is just weird to be a mom of a baby and a 5 year old and have all this “glamour demand” going on.

Today I just had anxiety. I did much breathing and mediation to try to ground, but it all felt like too much. The home stretch often feels that way I suppose. I will rally tomorrow and eat chocolate to get some energy. It will be fantastic, but all I want right now is a cup of tea and a blanket.  I had to drive out to La Crescenta this afternoon to get a minor alteration on my dress. When I have to drive on highways to somewhere I have never been I get stressed and that stress compounded with the stress I already had al day….

The cool thing was that I had some awareness that I come from such a messed up home and I have issues and one issue is anxiety around the unknown. And I was just able to drop it, to step out of the anxiety and have the real feelings underneath it. I am just scared. This whole fun glamorous adventure is also scary to me. It is scary for me to leave my gorgeous dress in someone else’s hands. It is scary to drive with my kids after school to a strange location. It is scary for me to deviate from my safe schedule of: pick up my daughter, come home, play a bit, have dinner, and bath, and bed. It is scary to have to be places on time and looking appropriate. I have no fucking idea what appropriate is. 

Luckily I have awesome, and I mean AWESOME, friends who do know what appropriate is, who are helping me, who are lending me clothes, who are holding my hand, and watching my kids, friends who I trust, what a gift. This whole Oscars adventure is revealing so much love and kindness to me, it is OFF THE HOOK!! Big fat love. So I was able to feel scared and that made the anxiety stop dead in its tracks and I was able to have empathy for myself. This is hard and it is a miracle that I am even alive, much less handling such a full full life. Handling such a full life rather gracefully if I do say so myself. I am left with tons of gratitude. See ya tomorrow….

i just had to throw this in. 2014, oh man, get to the very end, its short...

No comments:

Post a Comment