Friday, February 6, 2015

British Academy Awards and a vulnerable open heart, yikes!

My husband left today to go to London for the British Academy awards, for which he is nominated, along with the American Academy awards. I am having lots of feelings about his going. I was invited but it was just impractical because we both had to get back to Los Angeles and could only go for the weekend. A mere 48 or 72 hours in London sounds fun but is not worth the jetlag of a ten hour flight and 8 hour time difference, especially with two kids and a bunch of other responsibilities. Hopefully there will be another year when we can stay for a stretch.

Anyway, it seems so fun for him to jet set across the pond for a few days and stay in a great hotel without kids to wake him and go to a slew of fabulous events and all that. I am home alone with the kidos and all of the responsibility. I actually had a day off from all responsibility yesterday and got to go out to a play with a friend and chill for a bit, so I feel rejuvenated enough to handle the heavy lifting for a few days. Still things are crazy:

This weekend is the Bafta’s
Next is my daughter’s birthday
And the one after that is the Academy Awards and Indie Spirit awards on the same weekend.
After that the whirlwind will calm down. I still need to lock in a dress, shoes, jewelry and a hair and makeup style, all while working and managing and home and keeping 2 little ones happy.

Anyway, Tom is still on a plane and will land at 2am our time 9 am theirs.

Tonight I wanted to get stuff done since my husband was not around but I wasted more time then ever on facebook and cried a lot and had a meltdown with my kids where I was just like my 5 year old, to which my 5 year old said, "Don't worry mommy, everything will be better tomorrow, we are just tired." Brilliant. I guess I have a bunch of feelings about everything and I need a down day. I am rambling because I do not want to write what I really need to write about tonight. Thus all of the time wasting….

This is hard to write. Before my husband left I told him that I felt really insecure that he was leaving. I had the irrational fear that he would get caught up in the good life without me and us and forget about us and do god knows what. I had to tell him because if I did not it would come out sideway in a fight. I know rationally how silly that all is, but on some deep level I feel left out, even if it was my choice.

Telling him was the best thing I could have done because being vulnerable with your partner is a great leap of faith and a deep act of trust and it brought us closer together. I cannot think of a single thing harder than being vulnerable with him. I have terror of intimacy, which is the natural result of an emotionally violent childhood. It is a miracle that I can even participate in a real relationship. I so appreciate how far I have come from that scared kid with all that badass posturing. Yep. Miracle.

I write this to encourage the ones who are trying to heal and have real relationships to keep up the great work. This is the hardest work of my life, keeping an open heart and not shutting down or running away or sabotaging or throwing up the wall. Stay soft and open, it really is safe to love and trust despite past experiences. That soft openhearted space is where all the gifts lie, all the gems. It is the point of life. Be brave.

Just writing this post is hard, even in my writing I like to have a little armor, a little hard edge. That is why I am posting even if I am cringing. 

The Bafta's air on Sunday night at 8 on BBC-America.

1 comment:

  1. I am very glad you did. Resonates deeply with me. Thank you.