I want to write about having a hard time showing
up as a mom tonight (showing up is not the right word) and I am having a hard
time showing up as a writer too because I cannot find the words. I cannot find
the words to describe myself without being too judgmental. I actually am
showing up as a writer because I am writing, but I want to say I suck because I
cannot find the words to describe a writer who is not describing something that they
want to describe. I want to say I suck at my job as a mom. I want to say I am
lame, or a thousand other ways to say the same wrong thing.
is going on is that I am just tired and my daughter was tired and tonight we
were like fire and gasoline. She kept saying cranky things to me that were
phrased in attacking language, which I pretty appropriate for five and tired, and I kept taking them personal, which is not appropriate.
You’re doing it wrong.
No I’m not! Blah blah blah!!!
Ouch (I really banged my elbow!)
I don’t like it when you yell at me.
(Yelling) I am allowed to say ouch if I hurt myself, that is not yelling at
went on several rounds over the course of the evening. I kept mending, but I
could not stop defending myself or taking everything personal. Its great to
defend yourself in an adult situation if someone is being a dick, but I was
treating a five year old like an adult, using adult reasoning and really just
acting five. I could not stop.
I got my daughter into the much needed bed and picked up the phone and called a
healthy mom to state my behavior out loud and state my awareness of it and ask
for a sane person’s solution. She was not home. I did not get an answer, but
the call helped.
I was on the call my daughter was calling to me from her bed, so I finished up
and went in and she snapped at me.
(cranky voice) You are annoying me because I am calling you and you did not
Mmmmmm (empatheticly), I didn’t hear you, sorry.
You (blah blah blah…….)!
Here let me fix your blankets. Do you need anything?
(in a sweet exhausted child’s voice) I need a quite minute.
lay together hugging for a full minute and kissed goodnight like butterflies,
giraffes and gorillas. She called me in a few more times, but it was all ok and
finally she is asleep. I showed up, I just had a really hard time remembering
how to show up. When in doubt, empathy. Why is that so hard to remember? Peace