Friday, March 13, 2015

I don’t know what to call this.

I want to write about having a hard time showing up as a mom tonight (showing up is not the right word) and I am having a hard time showing up as a writer too because I cannot find the words. I cannot find the words to describe myself without being too judgmental. I actually am showing up as a writer because I am writing, but I want to say I suck because I cannot find the words to describe a writer who is not describing something that they want to describe. I want to say I suck at my job as a mom. I want to say I am lame, or a thousand other ways to say the same wrong thing.

What is going on is that I am just tired and my daughter was tired and tonight we were like fire and gasoline. She kept saying cranky things to me that were phrased in attacking language, which I pretty appropriate for five and tired, and I kept taking them personal, which is not appropriate.
Her: You’re doing it wrong.
Me: No I’m not! Blah blah blah!!!

Me: Ouch (I really banged my elbow!)
Her: I don’t like it when you yell at me.
Me: (Yelling) I am allowed to say ouch if I hurt myself, that is not yelling at you!
Her: crying
Me: Sorry.

This went on several rounds over the course of the evening. I kept mending, but I could not stop defending myself or taking everything personal. Its great to defend yourself in an adult situation if someone is being a dick, but I was treating a five year old like an adult, using adult reasoning and really just acting five. I could not stop.

Finally, I got my daughter into the much needed bed and picked up the phone and called a healthy mom to state my behavior out loud and state my awareness of it and ask for a sane person’s solution. She was not home. I did not get an answer, but the call helped.

While I was on the call my daughter was calling to me from her bed, so I finished up and went in and she snapped at me.

Her: (cranky voice) You are annoying me because I am calling you and you did not come!
Me: Mmmmmm (empatheticly), I didn’t hear you, sorry.
Her: You (blah blah blah…….)!
Me: Here let me fix your blankets. Do you need anything?
Her: (in a sweet exhausted child’s voice) I need a quite minute.
Me: Ok.

We lay together hugging for a full minute and kissed goodnight like butterflies, giraffes and gorillas. She called me in a few more times, but it was all ok and finally she is asleep. I showed up, I just had a really hard time remembering how to show up. When in doubt, empathy. Why is that so hard to remember? Peace out….

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