Wednesday, March 11, 2015

oscar's footnote


Ch ch ch ch changes

I think I am finished writing about the Oscars, but I must say it was quite a life event. My husband and I are really just starting to be back to normal from it all. As he put it, “We were treated like Heads of State’. That is quite an experience for a working class punk rock abused kid to handle, and yet I did.

In 2004, just over a decade ago I wrote and starred in a short film that went to Sundance. I had been to Sundance in 2001 with another film I acted in called Margarita Happy Hour. It was fun to go both times. I was a mess at Sundance, both times, but especially the second time because I was not there with a posse. It was hard to handle just the idea that the end of festival awards was televised and that I needed to act properly the whole time because I might be on camera at any given moment not as a person of interest, but just as an audience member. I was in agony the whole time. It is hard to even describe why, responsibility, visibility, terror of success, you name it.

As my blog can attest, I had some struggles leading up to the Oscars, but I need to say that the day of the event we did not hit a single speed bump of stress. The event, and even getting ready on the day of the event, was a fun easy good time. That is remarkable for me. I was able to be present and enjoy all of it without any compare and despair, or mental spiraling down, or even just everyday self-consciousness or stress. In the very end, after preparing and having feeling, the actual Oscars were effortless, I was so comfortable in my skin in that crazy world. What a blessing. I have such gratitude.

One funny note is that the friends who came with us to the Oscars also happened to be at Sundance in 2004. I even stayed with them. I was a completely different person. I am glad I have lived through everything to become the person I am. I often think about people who pass away before they get a chance to manifest their true self. How would I have been remembered if I had not lived up till now. When a young person dies of a tragic decision, I always like to acknowledge that they are so much more than the limits of what their life circumstances might define. We are all so much more.

I also think of the trial I went through and how much it stretched me as a person. I remember a friend talking about how much I grew because of it all and I had no idea what she was talking about, but now I do. Our darkest hours give us our greatest gifts, they make us stronger than we will ever know. It may not seem like anything has changed, but trust me, the depth of expansion we receive from moving through pain is magnificent.

I am still needing a lot of comfort food on a regular basis, but returning to normal best I can. All transformation is possible. Harm reduction forever!!!

XH

1 comment:

  1. Holly, you were (and still are) one of the sweetest, most adorable girls I knew back in the lower eastside. You deserve all things great!! xox

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