Tuesday, April 28, 2015

I AM “THOSE PEOPLE"


I came from a rough home, I suffered neglect, abandonment, economic deprivation, abuse, and I had very little access to emotional support. I was very alone and in pain. It was nobody’s fault. For generations my ancestors had suffered from issues ranging from sexual abuse to financial deprivation and lack of education opportunities. Many were petty criminals and addicts. No one had it easy. Everyone was doing the best they could.

My parents did their best with their limitations to give me a better life, but it was not enough. I was a good student, a shy invisible child, that was my coping device, that is what worked best. Secretly I made as much trouble as possible. I was great at being a bully when I could get away with it, stealing when I could get away with it, lying when I could get away with it and scamming when I could get a way with it. I had a knack to avoid getting caught. I seemed like such a good quiet kid, but my rage had to come out somewhere and it came our sideways. I just so happened to get in trouble for a million things I did not do, so to compensate, I became an expert in doing every bad thing I could think of and having a ball doing it, and not getting caught, I did not feel bad about any of it. My young mind thought about it this way: Stealing- they owed me; Lying- who cares, no one tells me the truth; Being Mean- as if anyone was kind or respectful to me; Trying, Dreaming or Caring was for suckers, I wasn’t going to get anything anyway, so why bother.  I was lying to Santa at 3 because only a fool wanted things and asked for them. My burden was a deep shame not about what I did, but so much deeper than that, about my very core, shame of just being Holly. Damage runs so deep.

So, as many of you know, I have spent my life working hard to recover from my traumas and recovering the innocent child that was erased. The great news is that once I started on that path, the entire universe supported me and loved me and parented me and taught me great lessons and facilitated my transformation which was gorgeous and a I have so much gratitude for. BUT, before I did that work, I was a criminal and I did not feel guilty, ever, I felt justified. And I admired social terrorists like the weather underground and people who tried to change the corrupt system with violence directed at the MAN. I was that person. I  understand 100% where that person is coming from. I am not and was not an animal, I do not and did not deserve to die, I was just doing what I was shaped by the forces in my life to do. I say that not as an excuse but with clarity and compassion for that child.  I was surviving and trying to make sense of a brutal unfair and abusive world. I never knew emotional safety. I did not know myself to be special, I did not have empathy for others because it is really hard to give what you never got, (even today it is hard to give what i never got, it is a conscious choice and it is hard work that I sometimes fail at). I was just a kid trying to cope and that kid becomes 15, 19, 21, 25 and nothing changes so I was still using those coping devices. That is the simple version and the truth.

That being said, I pray for this country and for the communities that are suffering right now. I send love to those who feel abandoned and unloved, neglected and abused, treated unfairly and disrespected. I pray for our police too. I understand every bit of what is going on and I do not have an answer or a fix. For me it was a long personal journey to heal and to stop hurting myself and others. All I can say is please stop judging, please pray to open your heart and find empathy, please join me in praying for a solution, for healing, for peace. All I know is that I am no better than anyone. That’s all I got tonight.

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