Monday, May 4, 2015

don't leave me, you bastard

Right around the Academy Awards, when life was mayhem, I had to replace our babysitter who watched my kids while I worked. She was lovely, but just not the right fit. I was so busy and tired and  I really needed someone who could get the dishes done and get the kids to sleep so that when I got home late, I did not have to come home to chaos. It is so un-fun to have to find new childcare. it is like finding a drummer, or an  employee, or whatever, but more serious because you do not have the leeway of making a mistake. Urg. Hard work. I did not want to do it but was forced to and was lead to the perfect person. Life is like that. If someone is not the right fit, employee, boyfriend, etc, you cannot force it. Just let them go because your life will be guaranteed to get better without them and then there will be room for the new perfect person to come into your life.

It took me decades to learn that. I think every one knew that, except me and maybe one or two other people.

There was some set-up in my past where I was abandoned on an emotional level as a kid by someone or someones very important to me and all I wanted to do in the whole world was to fix that wound, to make it better and my little kid brain only knew how to do that by making the person who slung the arrow to heal the wound. I just wanted to hurter to see the error of their ways and see that I was worthy of their love and come back and say they were sorry and love me and never leave again. So I chased their love for decades, with them, and then with representations of them.

We all find the demons who want to dance with our demons. I always found people who pushed and pushed me away, abandoned me until I would finally let them go and then they would give me just enough to lure me back into the dance. For some reason they needed to do that, they were working something out too. They would show up and step towards me so that I believed that they had changed and had seen the light and loved me like I needed to be loved. Then, when I would exhale with relief they would start to go away again, start the dance over again. It got to the point where I could see it coming and I would want to stop dancing, but I could not. I tried and tried and finally one day, after alot of practice and work, I stopped engaging with those demons and stopped chasing love.

It took me decades to free myself from the trap. Luckily I was only in my 30's and not in my eighties. Man was that drug was strong.

It's funny to write about something that defined me once, so very long ago, and to be so different on the cellular level now.

I've written about the process of that work, so read my older posts if you are curious or need help http://hollyramoswrites.blogspot.com/2013/03/heartbreak.html. What I wanted to say tonight is that I am so happy with my husband, my family, my job, my new babysitter and all the perfect people I have attracted into my life, not perfect humans, but humans who are perfect for me. Remember, if someone in your life does not fit right, employee, boyfriend, etc, you cannot force it. Just let them go because your life will be guaranteed to get better without them and then there will be room for the new perfect person to come into your life.

I have more to say about this tomorrow, but I will end by saying that every time I typed "demon" I spelled it "demond,"which is my old new york pronunciation of the word. Some things change some things stay the same. Peace out.

this sounds pretty great....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zpBbrXLxP4





No comments:

Post a Comment