Tuesday, May 12, 2015

icky old vulnerability

Vulnerability is the single most important quality I need if I want to _________, fill in the blank. I am not sure what that word should be, maybe grow?

(Will? smill. Try? Cry, die, buy, sigh.)

Until you check your “bad ass”, your armor, what ever it is that you think protects you, sarcasm or attitude, whatever, you are going to be limited, you are going to act out instead of deal. When you can just bear to be human and soft and vulnerable and honest and not safe, not protected, opened to possible pain or getting hurt, then you are your strongest, because that is when you do not need a crutch.

Fear of intimacy is what kept me from really allowing myself to love and be loved. I had every great reason in the world to be afraid of being vulnerable and soft. My experience told me to never do that ever again, never let anyone hurt me, but that limitation kept everything I wanted away. It sounds and feels icky, but if I get past my terror which says “ick”,  vulnerability is where the truth is, where all the riches are, where actually joy is. I am still terrified on a daily basis, but I try to do it anyway. I go back to my soft human imperfectness and have my real feelings and it is from here I am able to be available to others and love others and let myself be loved. It comes back to this again and again and again.

Sorry if this reads like and infomercial, or incoherent rambling, or a rant, I am just trying to get something honest onto the page so I can be done and make the lunches. Peace out, my friends. I love you readers.

i don't want to but i do it anyway.

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