Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Forgiveness. Urg. The spiritual struggle of my life...

Forgiveness. Urg. The spiritual struggle of my life has been trying to forgive someone/someones.

I struggle for many reasons, which I have written about before. I am tempted to not write my reasons because they are simply my justifications as to why I am right, but I will write them in all honesty to expose the silly craftiness of my ego and inner mechanics.
1. The thing they did was Really bad and had so much toxic fallout;
2. They are still doing it, it did not end and I am legally obligated to interact with them. I normally would not stick around anyone not acting decently.
3. I have never had space to separate from them and just let time heal stuff;
and lastly, 4. My ego doesn’t want them to think that what they did was ok and thus finds it hard to extend a soft loving heart, which would be a gift to them. The last thing my angry ego ever wants to do is extend a gift to them. So, yes I have a part in this sticky messy problematic situation. Yes, I seek to forgive but on some level I don’t.

I was feeling more and more ready to let go, release and forgive in the last few days and low and behold, this article appeared. This Oprah person has emailed me regularly for years but I can never read the emails because they are formatted weird. Two days ago another unreadable email came and for some reason I glanced at it and in the header I saw the word forgiveness. I googled the headline and found the source of the article so I could read it. Shockingly, it is giving me what I need to let go more, release more, move more towards forgiveness.

I am loving the gift of this article because:

It validates that I need time, that it is normal for me to need time to deal with the toxic emotional residue. The writer is empathetic. Thank you.

 It clarifies that any power I think I have is false. Wow! And it reminds me that my silly ego likes to pretend it is separate and pretend it is superior, when it is neither.

It reminds me that I have f*ed up too and I have been forgiven. “All, without exception, live under the waterfall of divine mercy.”

It reminds me that I am really sad over the betrayal and that I use anger to cover that sadness, which makes me hard. And when I am in pain, I pass pain on to other.

And lastly, if all of that is not enough, it gives me a practical, tool to replace the resentment with something like gratitude for all the good I have, which is immense. My cup runneth over.

This is the most helpful thing I have come across in my years of struggle and search. Thank you.  Read it for yourself if you need it. xH


1. The People You Can't Forgive Might Not Be Forgiven Today
"Forgiveness is a decision, but making that decision doesn't override the emotional residue that often takes much longer to release. That feeling of wanting revenge or wanting to assert your rightness or your victimhood—depending on the depth of your wounding—can take days, weeks, months and even years to dissipate. On certain days, when you're in a down mood, your psyche will want to grab onto that hurt. You have to go through that necessary period of feeling half dead, half angry, half in denial—this is the liminal space in which we grow for some reason.

T.S. Eliot once wrote, 'Wait without hope / For hope would be hope for the wrong thing' I'm going to say the same here: To forgive too glibly or quickly is probably not full or helpful forgiveness."

2. The People You Can't Forgive Give You a Gift You Do Not Want
"To hold someone else in resentment, judgment or unforgiveness is a kind of power, a false power that allows you to imagine, 'As long as I can hold this in my mind and bring it up at the right moment, I can win every argument because I have won the real game of moral one-upmanship. I am now in control of this relationship.'

The ego always wants the same two things: to pretend it is separate and to pretend it is superior. To play the victim to our own advantage and for our own false empowerment is one of the most common and deceitful games that humans play. This will never give your soul comfort, nor will it comfort or heal the other, because it is not based in truth. And if we do not desire to heal and free the other, have we really forgiven them? I have had people "forgive" me only to achieve their own moral superiority, but not to free or love me. You can always tell the difference.”

3. The People You Can't Forgive Are Not the Exception to the Rule
"I don't know why God made an imperfect world. We certainly see that imperfection every day and in every way. It's almost too much to bear some days. But recognizing that there's an essentially tragic nature to life, one that you have to forgive and accept in a foundational way, allows you to forgive the smaller daily dramas with much greater ease. As much as we want to see the person who hurt us as an evil person—as if they were a major exception to the rule, since we have falsely imagined a perfect world—we need to realize that we're all an exception to the rule of perfection and expectation. Humans are inherently imperfect. That is what differentiates us from the Divine level.

Surely people have hurt you and you wish you could punish them, but whether you recognize it or not, you yourself were forgiven when you also were broken and mistaken. All, without exception, live under the waterfall of divine mercy. There is, of course, an essential and direct connection between our receptivity to undeserved love and forgiveness and our ability to forgive other imperfect people. There is not much point in weighing which fault was the greater; that is merely the ego protecting itself. When you understand your own limited but lovely place within this universally imperfect world, you will find it almost natural to become more patient and forgiving with other people too."

4. The People You Can't Forgive Lead You to a Sadness Disguised as Hardness
"When someone that you once trusted—and shared your heart with—betrays you, it feels like someone stomped on your soul. And they probably did. I am afraid many people, always still growing up, are willing to abandon their relationships for the sake of money, advantage or power. Betrayal, and how we react to it, seems to be a necessary step on the spiritual journey, just as it was for Jesus. But those who have betrayed us are among the very hardest people for us to forgive. This pain is so deep because it somehow breaks our very contract with life. We assume friendship, love, confidences, intimacies can be trusted, but if life appears to be untrustworthy on that dear level, we naturally think, 'Who can I ever trust again? Why should I trust again?' And many people don't! Which is the normal beginning of their downward path.

The pain of betrayal from a confidante becomes, for many, the straight path to a life of cynicism. It brings a hardening that you can often see on people's very faces and the way they walk and move. When I am in airports and public places in our country, I see so many faces that appear so ravaged and overly defended." This tells me that every day religion is not doing its work very well.

5. The People You Can't Forgive Can't Fully Be Released Until You Find Something Better to Fill the Hole
"Releasement, which is just another word for forgiveness, doesn't entirely work unless we have a larger comfort, a safe and more beautiful enclosure to move toward. If we only empty out, and do not refill with something better, there is still a gaping hole within us. The attempt at forgiveness will not go deep or endure. Without something positive, comforting and loving to fill that hole up (which some call grace), we're left to depend entirely on willpower— and our willpower is normally very weak, especially on those days of loneliness, stress, tiredness and hunger. So we've got to keep our aloneness and emptiness filled with something loving and positive. This is the primary work of spirituality. I know that the word 'prayer' has been so trivialized, but it basically means refilling our souls with 'Everything that is good and noble, everything that is virtuous and worthy of praise', as Paul says in his letter from a Roman prison that could be called an early lesson in the power of positive thinking (Philippians 4:7-8).

If we can find a way to live inside of a deep gratitude for our own undeserved grace and mercy, past hurts have very little power to cause us pain in any lasting way. They are not worth our time or energy. They are mere sludge and dredge in the great school and journey of life. The gratuitous surrendering of hurts ("forgiveness"), the refusal to make them our identity, is almost the heart of the matter. If you do not transform your pain, you will with 100 percent certainty transmit it to others. And, I am afraid, you will have pain! Both the Buddha and Jesus seem to say that pain is part of the deal, and its overcoming is the very shape of enlightenment." 


Monday, June 29, 2015


I am a word person. I love lyrics. When I listen to a band, I mostly just hear the singer. When I dated guys in bands, I always dated the singers. I myself was the singer and songwriter in my bands. I wrote the words and said them. It is what my brain relates to.

So I am not the biggest fan of instrumentals-Green Onions, what ever; Pipeline, of well.  But when an instrumental hits the vein, it changes everything. Sometimes, in rare cases, the melody of a song is so profound it makes me cry. The master of that art is Booker T and the MGs, the personification of when sound is more powerful than words. Oh how I love it. I thought of this because last night I posted Booker T and the MG’s version of Time is Tight, brilliantly written by Booker T, Steve Cropper, Donald “Duck” Dunn and Al Jackson, Jr. And tonight I will add to it with another song they wrote and recorded which brings me to tears everytime I hear that chord change on the bridge, oh man we were just digging the beats and then you gotta go break my heart open with beautiful ache and longing. Yep, the stunning groove of Melting Pot. Ahhhhhh…

Sunday, June 28, 2015

more role models, please and thank you

Growing up and becoming the woman I wanted to be was no easy task, so few role models, so many obstacles. All I know for certain is that all transformation is possible and you can indeed become anything you want to. I am fascinated by the darkness I experienced in my life and my capacity to love and trust and feel joy and forgiveness despite it.  I am shocked by the heavy suitcases I carried for so very long and inspired by the fact that I put them down. (most of them, most of the time).
It helps to have an ideal, and a roadmap helps, a vision and a concrete plan.
Luckily, the role models are increasing and women have so many more choices and options.
I write ths to remind myself, you can be anything you want to be. It may not be easy but it is absolutely do able (and it may be easy too). Put down those heavy suitcases, those resentments, those ancient limiting beliefs based on misinformation, those negative attitudes. You can do it. I believe in you. Life is so good. Love yourself, people, and don’t be afraid to do the work, because if not you, then who?

Saturday, June 27, 2015

The times they are a changing

I am blown away by how progressive the world is becoming. As a young child, I experienced quite painfully that that there was no one talking about fat shaming or slut shaming, fag was a common insult on the playground, bullying was normal, sexual abuse was rampant in my school by other students and people of authority, as in teachers and priests, racism and sexism were also rampant and it was all a lost cause that you grew to accept or fight in vain for. I grew up feeling very unprotected and unsupported as I was aware of all of the injustices I was experiencing and had to fend entirely for myself. I was a radical feminist freedom fighter by the time I was a teenager, but things did not budge as we marched and protested and wrote and fought. Things did not budge.

I KNOW that we have so much more work to do, that there are still so many injustices in the world, in society, but the recent changes are things I cannot believe are happening in my lifetime. The authority figures are not allowed to look the other way anymore.  They have to answer to the masses and take responsibility. Not necessarily because they are enlightened but because no one is going to let them get away with bullshit anymore. It is Brilliant. South Caroline governor Nikki Haley said shortly after the church shootings that she was not going to revisit the confederate flag issue again because she was not going to put the people of her state through that because the people of her state needed to heal. (which people, I wondered, would have a hard time going through a discussion around that flag?) and then a few days after that bullshit statement which basically said “I want to protect white people’s feelings”, she called to remove the flag. People were on her in a second and she knew she could not keep up the bullshit. I am loving this. How fun is it to see fairness triumph over reactive lies and defensiveness.

I am blown away by the achievements happening in society right now. Despite the low vibrational people who are self seeking and oppressive, there are MORe people who are into helping each other, inviting equality into the world, speaking up, fighting for each other’s rights, accepting everyone as they are, and tearing down the Berlin Wall of the old school of the old straight rich white guys. I have such hope. Thank you to all of the giants whose shoulder’s we stand on and to all of the freedom fighters of yesterday, today and tomorrow. Bloody good work, my friends and comrades. Keep it up.

Friday, June 26, 2015

“My liberty depends on you being free too” -President Barack Obama at Clementa Pinckney’s funeral

It is almost impossible to write today on such a big news day. Marriage is now legal for all consenting adults. Hallelujah! Also this week, Obamacare was upheld by the Supreme Court and the confederate flag is being taken down from government buildings in many places. We are in a time of radical shift and it is beautiful. I will write more about all of this as I digest it but for today I will leave you with the president’s P O W E R F  U L eulogy today at Clementa Pinckney’s funeral. It is eloquent, consoling, touching, powerful and fiercly political as he acknowledges the confederate flag issues, racism, and gun control issues in such an appropriate manner. I am floored. My hope is that everyone watches the whole speech, not just the part where he sings, which is also amazing!

The struggle is normal.
When you are going through hell, keep going. 
All of the hard work matters and pays off, sometimes even in your lifetime, sometimes not in your life time. Keep up the good work brothers and sisters.
I love you all.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

i am that lady

I read a friend’s post about the lady who comes to yoga late everyday and I thought I would share this just to give insight and perhaps create empathy:

I come to yoga late everyday. I have for about 10 years here at the Y.  I was late at other yoga places before I moved here. I have a lateness issue. The teachers never say anything to me, thankfully. They do not need to because I am saying it to myself. But more thankfully because I need to be there and appreciate my being allowed in and included with non-judgment. I really need to be there.

I have a history of trauma and yoga helps me. Yoga helps heal me, being a mind and body and spirit connection place, since sex abuse is a mind and body and spirit trauma. I am not ever being intentionally rude or disrespectful when I am late. It is all an inside job and I struggle with it and make progress with my healing. My struggle around lateness has been to let go of rushing and trying, because that has not worked in a decade. Instead I try to be in acceptance.

My lateness is not just about yoga. I have late issues all the time. That is my issue. I thankfully am not a drug addict or a gambler. I don’t hit my kids. I could easily have been/done all of those things. Luckily my stuff expresses itself as lateness. 

I do not blame anyone for being annoyed with my lateness. I do not write this as an excuse or to convince anyone of anything. I just write it to give perspective. I get it if people feel I am disrespectful because I am late. They don’t have to deal with me directly if it is a problem. Other people’s behavior bugs me sometimes and it is an opportunity for me to detach, practice tolerance, patience, anger control, or simply not have them in my life if the issue is intolerable. Someone doing something annoying in a public setting is a drag. I concur. Certain types of drivers who don't follow the rules drive me mad.  Sigh! 

Life can be rough. So many of us are carrying such fucking heavy suitcases. I invite you all to put that shit down. I write this to remind myself. I am so fucking glad that I did not kill myself or stick a needle in my arm that my lateness is the least of my concerns. One day when my bigger issues are all in check I may become a prompt person, but there is a chance I will be late to my own funeral. Thankfully I do not think I will die from the stress of rushing to be there on time. 
Sorry if I cause anyone pain. 
We are all doing the best we can. 
The struggle is normal. 
I love you.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

100 Words on a Wednesday

I stole the Bad Brains’ Pay to Cum single from someone. I stole easily because so much had been taken from me. Then, the universe decided to foster me and teach me all the lessons I needed to learn. Universe was kind but firm, ever reminding me that I had everything I needed. Whenever I was fearful and stole, I would lose something of equal value. I finally stopped stealing because it would cost me, which led me to understand that I need not steal, which made space for empathy for everyone involved. Later someone stole the single from me.
this was the bside so f*ing kuwell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQJW0UlZyMM

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

my first tattoo

I got my first tattoo with beautiful fucked up Matt, who had had various last names like Misfit and Zombie. I think I was 19. Matt was a beautiful guy who really liked drugs and alcohol. We knew each other from the hardcore scene, saw each other around the streets of nyc at all the punk shows and clubs. We had a strange aquantainceship and were always fond of each other. I have fond memories of him despite his idiotic tendencies but I also understand that he has been awful to many people.
Just remembering how we both were, I find it hard to believe we actually made a plan and met and went through with it. We both seemed incapable of such action. Incapable of being home to get a phone call, incapable of showing up when we said we would. This was before cell phones when our 6th sense was strong and we always found our peeps.
We met and bought beers and took the train to somewhere in Brooklyn. We walk along residential streets to some guy named Mike’s basement studio in his house. (He was Mike Perfetto who became very respected in the elite tattoo community.)  It was illegal to get a tattoo in nyc at the time, in the mid eighties, so we were breaking the law. I loved the thrill of breaking victimless laws.
I was getting drunk from my one or two beers as I was always small and never much of a drinker. I tried to pour some of my beer out without Matt noticing, but he did, and I felt foolish. Just writing that sentence blows my mind as to what a little kid I was that I thought I needed to drink more than I wanted.
Inside the shop it said not to get a tattoo if you had consumed alcohol. I felt nervous but did it anyway. I designed my tattoo, the word “love” where a snake created the letter “L” and a spade created the letter ”O”. It was on my ankle. Mike asked me if I wanted the snake to be smiling or angry, I said smiling. Matt got a pair of eyes on his bicep, they were supposed to be his girl Lisa’s eyes. Mike charged Matt for his tattoo and threw mine in for an extra $5.00. Matt paid for me.
When we left we ran into this girl Sherry from the hardcore punk scene. Sherry had the best hair. It was spiked but the spiked were of varying lengths. There were a few really long ones (12 inches?) that stuck off here head and then short and medium ones, very sputnik satellite, a real original spin on the standard spiked hair thing that a lot of kids had. Sherry was tall and looked cool and wore motorcycle boots.
She suggested that Matt and I come over her house for some beers, so we went. She told us about tripping on acid with her man that she lived with, and how they ended up in the shelves above the closet and how fun it was. She suggested that Matt and I come over the following week and do it with them. We both said OK, but I was a bit terrified.
All that week I thought about our plans for the weekend with interest and dread. I was game and I would go through with anything, but I really didn’t want to, but I had too much to prove to back down from any dare of sorts. I also loved peering into the darkness, walking on the edge. I somehow thought that the experiences I would find might lead me to some sort of redemption, in my little kid mind, a year or two out of high school and thrust with the responsibility of being an adult
The weekend came and went and I was relieved to never have heard form Sherry or Matt. Later, we ran into each other at Danceteria or the Ritz, or somewhere, and I reminded him of the plan and he said he was just yes-ing them but had no interest in doing acid with them. I agreed, laughing.
Light years have past since.

Monday, June 22, 2015

the kind of crazy that i was.

As a young woman in college, I got madly obsessed with this great looking guy in a band. I was consumed. I’ve written about the story before which was long and grueling till I got through to the other side. One particular day I am recalling so clearly right now was being with him after we slept together for the first time. 

He invited me out. It was a sunny day and came by my west village apartment on 10th street to pick me up around 5pm, high summer, the sun was still blaring. I remember exactly what I was wearing, a very thinly striped black and yellow knit tank top with no bra and a mini skirt made out of linen, with a flower pattern of tiny rose buds all over the brown background. I had bare legs and Chinese slippers on my feet. I felt free and comfortable in my body and thrilled to go on a date with the person my heart palpably ached for. I was crazy for this guy.

Right away he told me that he could not hang out because he had band rehearsal but I could come and watch and he steered me towards his rehearsal space. I was not thrilled about the set up and as insane as I was for him, I was not the girl who wanted to sit around and watch some guy rehearse. On the way he mentioned that he could not see me anymore because his girlfriend, who he lived with, was mentally unstable and she would freak out too much if we were together. He also added that he was going on tour soon and, who knows, when he got back maybe he could live with me. He was as nuts as me, just in a different way.

The kind of crazy that I was, was that I knew he had a girlfriend but I did not care because he had been so interested in me I was sure that she did not mean anything to him and that we would be together. I was textbook crazy, the embodiment of the definition of obsession: to focus completely on someone else so you did not have to deal with your own life. I was happy to leave my life behind and focus all of my attention on this creature and bask in our connection and his attention. Alas, I did not know that he actually lived with his girlfriend.

The kind of crazy that he was, was that he thought that he could dump me but arrange for himself to move in with me after his tour.  His girlfriend detector was not working well. There were women out there who would do that but I was not her. I was bad off but I was not that bad off. Ah, we would have been perfect for each other had I gone for the idea but I did not.

I was too distracted at that moment by the unbearable devastation of his dumping me to even respond. My stomach ached and I had left my body. I walked him to his space in a wild mental frenzy and a shutdown exterior, and left coolly, dismissing his idiotic idea, feigning indifference only to go sit in a doorway a block away and cry hysterically. I thought I was crying over him, and had no idea that I was just reliving my devastating core wound of abandonment and heartbreak. We recreate this shit until it gets painful enough that we figure it out, if we are lucky, which I am.

I must say I am amused by the story more than anything else, but also have empathy for that poor kido and gratitude that she stayed alive so that I could be here now. Much love to you all, the struggle is part of life.  I love you, everyone. Always have, always will.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

that which saves your life will often kill you and other thoughts on art, the gateway drug

My father died on father’s day. Urg, such a loaded day for that reason. We had a great time with friends and kids and family and then a childfree date to see a play about Lester Bangs which was great. The play brought us into a conversation about how people can be so passionately into something and how it can destroy them, I have a saying that often the thing that “saved you life” as a kid, often will kill you, because it is just another coping device, thought up by a kid, that won’t work in the end. Ultimately you have to do the personal work to break the ties that bind, yes?

I also like to say that art is a gateway drug. Passion about art gets us into self expression and again saves us, changes us, gives us some freedom and options, but it is not enough. Many a successful artist is miserable on the personal level. Happiness and peace and enlightenment to kindness and purpose are never due to the money, fame, success, or passionate opinions. The two facets of success are not linked. The personal happiness always comes back to the personal work, whatever that might look like for you.

So it made me think of my father who was a beautiful talented cabinet maker and made the finest mid century modern furniture, which was a path towards expression, that might have been a gateway to more evolution and enlightenment, but he left that field to work construction to support us and have health insurance, which was an important value to my parents. He was successful in providing for us, which was a gift, and he sacrificed a lot to do that. I miss my father today. I appreciate the gifts he gave me. I give myself credit for not falling into the family pattern and “marrying my father” not marrying a man like him. I worked hard to get out of the cycle and have more consciousness and choices. And I love my amazing husband who is a great father. And I appreciate all of the great artists (music, film, everything) who may or may not have been happy but gave me the great gift of their expression, made me feel less alone, taught me about the world and about the potential of humanity. Thank you, thank you, thank you, one and all.

Wishing you all peace and happiness and the evolution of your soul. You are not alone and not the only one who feels that way.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Last night

Husband: (out of the blue) Remember how touching Bride of Frankenstein was?

Me: Not really. Remind me.

Husband: (he is much more eloquent than my memory, so forgive my paraphrasing) How he went to the blind man's house and the blind man was so kind to him. And Frankenstein burned his hand and threw a tantrum, freaking out, and the blind man was so kind and soothed him till he was calm, and the monster was wimpering like a child because someone was kind. Then the blind man said "Stay it is going to be ok. God sent you here. I'm blind and you are mute and we can help each other."

And then remember at the end when he sacrifices himself for the doctor and the lady and he says he will stay and he says "you go, live" and he says to the other monster, the bride, who is horrible, who is one step away from dead, and to the bad doctor, "you stay, die." And they show a shot of Frankenstein and he has a tear running down his cheek. He's so evolved, he knows what he is doing, he knows he is going to die and he knows how to sacrifice himself, he knows about that because he learned it, because someone was kind to him. He is called a monster but he is so much more evolved than the other people in the room, the doctor. Boris Carloff should have won an Oscar for that performance. Bride of Frankenstein, not Frankenstein.

My husband just blew my mind. I teared up. I do remember talking about all of that when we watched the film 5 or 7 years ago, but forgot all about it, and then hearing him talk so beautifully with such sensitivity and empathy was just gorgeous. I love this guy. 

Friday, June 19, 2015


I am way to tired to write anything that might be interesting or make sense. I have a sick baby that needs every drop of me and I need every drop of rest I can get so I am going to share this blog with y’all. I love this guy’s process and honesty and it gives me perspective and gratitude, so read on if you are looking for that…

Thursday, June 18, 2015


last night I lay in bed meditating and had an epiphany of forgiveness of someone I hate. I hate them because they put me and my family through incredible pain because they were a liar and weak and selfish, and they continue to cause hurt in my family still and they put a codependent relationship with another adult over the safety of a child. I understand that hate is not the answer but i am powerless over it and striving for forgiveness has become the spiritual work of my life. I spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation. The thing is, I want to be bigger than hate but it has been so hard to get past the toxic trauma that comes up around this person .

 Last night I lay in bed meditating on the issue and was granted reprieve from my hate. I felt god in the room and finally arrived at empathy. It may only be fleeting but it is such a relief and a step in the right direction.

 I write about this because it reminds me that Trauma runs so deep and change is so hard, even when people want to change. But transformation is possible. it is possible. I woke up this morning to the heartbreaking news of the murder of 9 innocent people. i have no answers to heal the horrible racism in this country, today I only have prayers. God bless the families and friends of the victims and the entire Mother Emanuel community. peace. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-z2LNsifEzg

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

More unsung....

Then there is this
My band Fur made this guy's blog as Number 1 punk garage song of the 90's. i am much flattered by his calling  us criminally underrated and describing our sound as a bitter sweet wall of sound. Thanks, buddy, you made my day. I now officially have 101 fans world wide.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

To everyone who quit before the miracle

To Everyone who quit before the miracle, I feel you, I want to quit all the time, this stuff is hard work; to everyone who couldn't stay clean, I appreciate that staying high is a struggle too; to everyone who did not get to peruse their dream, all the other things you did mattered too; to everyone who tried but failed, yes it is awesome and brave that you dared to try; to everyone who blazed the trail, unseen and unrecognized, yep, the first one through the wall always gets bloodied and I acknowledge what you did; to everyone who did not have the strength to go on, I get it, we are all doing the best we can.  The struggle is part of life. You are perfect no matter where you land. You are love and you are loved. As Mother Teresa said " Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.  In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway."

Here is her whole prayer, a helpful one for me...

              "People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway."

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

And now, from mother Teresa to me me me, here's Fur with Beautiful Wreck...

Monday, June 15, 2015

Potential unmanifested

I have lost several dear ones in my life. I am thinking on many of them just now and thinking particularly about a few very close friends and relatives who passed away young from drugs.  It's awful when you know someone for most of their life and you see them get lost to drugs and not make, not get free, not come out the other side.  when you are close to their family or part of their family you really get to see not only the devastation and pain of their leaving but also the disappointment and heartbreak about what could have been.

I try to remember that we all have so much potential and we strive towards an unattainable ideal. Some people get really close to the different aspects of the ideal, yes? Some find deep purpose, some manifest great wealth, some learn to give unconditional  love, some serve others and change the world, some sacrifice their lives for others, some are just kind, some use their gift and bring joy to the world, their are so many ways, right? we can have so many  different successes in so many different areas. And some people overdose young and they, unfairly, don't get to be seen as having any of these successes. 

I always feel like pity, or heartbreak or disappointment for these souls is an injustice. these thoughts are hard to formulate but i will try. Viktor Frankl talked about being in the concentration camps and feeling like it did not mean your life had meaning ONLY if you survived. he arrived at the grand truth that your life still had meaning even if you we killed. your life has meaning even if you od. there were several times I came close to dying in my years on earth. It would have been so easy and so tragic. I would not have gotten to live through it all and come out the other side.i would not have had the opportunity to manifest my dreams and transform my life. But I would still have been me, not fully realized but full of beautiful potentials and my life would have had meaning. Something special and beautiful and perfect would have still been there. all the seeds of transformation are in us already, no matter where we get to, no matter what it looks like on paper, no matter how far up we go or how far down. it all matters. life is beautiful and everyone is precious. that's all I have to say.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

I’m feeling glad all over

I went into Trader Joe’s tonight and could not stop myself from singing out loud and dancing to the pounding sound of the Dave Clark Five, Glad All Over.  I knew that I looked like an old lady singing the oldies but I wanted everyone to know that I was channeling super legend Jayne County and her Dave Clark Five wig. For those of you who do not know, back in the day she would wear a big teased blonde wig with the 3-D letters that spelled out The Dave Clark Five sitting in the hair, resting atop her head like a bird on a branch in a tree. Who else had ever done anything like that, wrote a garage bands name in their hair, elevating that band to uber-coolness just by association? Pioneer. 

Oh how I have loved Jayne County back from when I was a teenager and knew her as Wayne. Her style still blows me away, the music is indispensable and her courage as a trailblazer is awesome. I still reference her for fashion tips. Jayne and I have run in the same circles for decades and I have said hi a bunch of times, as we have a bunch of the same friends and even shared a mic once at a Joey Ramone show but I do not think she knows who I am but that’s OK. It is hard for a legend to remember everyone they have met.  I re-read her book Man Enough to be a Woman when my daughter was born and I recommend it to everyone. I think that I will pick it up again it is so smart and funny. Till then I have the pounding drums of Glad All Over still in my head as I write. Goodnight.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

my thoughts beyond "the talk"

In ten short years my girl may start dating. Wow. I do not want her to have my experiences, yikes, but what do I want for her? hmmmm…

I do not wish for my children to marry as virgins and be with one person their whole life unless they want that.

I have no agenda for their sex lives and relationships other than they are safe and happy and have choices. I want them to have peace and self esteem to go and explore whatever they feel they need to.

if it came down to one word I would pick “choice” as in educated choice, to make her own decisions from a strong secure place. So ho do you give that?

I was thinking about tips to give them as they embark…
Be with someone you care about and trust. Being with someone you love is even better.
Use protection even if you love and trust them
Have fun
Communicate your thoughts feeling needs
Check you motives and do it because you want to, not because you need to, or feel pressure or want something.

Don’t have expectations unless you have talked about things first
Don’t be with people in relationships
Don’t do anything you are unsure of, you can always come back to it later’

They are not bad tips but really they are not doable without a strong sense of self and self esteem. That is what my children need to navigate sex and everything in life for that matter. It is all an inside job. How do I give them that is the question. I am not sure. I am doing my best to love them and support them and be an example and I hope that that is enough. Luckily I have a decade or so to figure this out cause as I write I realize i have no f*ing idea what I am doing....

Friday, June 12, 2015

having "the talk" with your kids

I read in psychology today that the best way to talk to your kids about sex is to start young, to teach them at age 5 the proper words for all the sex organs and the actual biology of baby making when they ask. This is close to what they wrote, via my memory:
“mommy and daddy lie down together naked and daddy puts his penis in her vagina and his sperm goes into her egg and that is how a baby gets into her tummy and starts to grow.”

Apparently that will make them not want to have sex for a long long time... only kidding.

Basically the point is that they can start puberty at 10, in only 5 short years from 5 and they should have a foundation and a structure that can  get added to and grow regarding knowledge about sex and relationships. Eventually they will know that sex is something adults do with people they love etc etc. They say that springing the talk on them later is not as effective as building a foundation and adding to, as they ask and as they grow, it so it is all commonplace by the time their hormones kick in. We started with the correct names for ALL of the sex organs. My girl thought is was hilarious. It is actually pretty awesome, and horrifying, but awesome.