last night I lay in bed meditating and had an epiphany of forgiveness of someone I hate. I hate them because they put me and my family through incredible pain because they were a liar and weak and selfish, and they continue to cause hurt in my family still and they put a codependent relationship with another adult over the safety of a child. I understand that hate is not the answer but i am powerless over it and striving for forgiveness has become the spiritual work of my life. I spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation. The thing is, I want to be bigger than hate but it has been so hard to get past the toxic trauma that comes up around this person .
Last night I lay in bed meditating on the issue and was granted reprieve from my hate. I felt god in the room and finally arrived at empathy. It may only be fleeting but it is such a relief and a step in the right direction.
I write about this because it reminds me that Trauma runs so deep and change is so hard, even when people want to change. But transformation is possible. it is possible. I woke up this morning to the heartbreaking news of the murder of 9 innocent people. i have no answers to heal the horrible racism in this country, today I only have prayers. God bless the families and friends of the victims and the entire Mother Emanuel community. peace.