Friday, July 31, 2015

silly things I missed doing in ny

Every year I go back home a couple of times and I always have a list of things I want to do, places I want to eat, stores I want to check out, streets I want to walk down. I made it to the important places but the truth about life is that you never get to do everything you want to do. I never got to do everything I wanted to do there even when I lived in new york. There are always concerts in central park and exhibits at different museums, and blocks I want to walk down. Jeepers, in Manhattan alone there are over 200 numbered streets, so probably over 300 counting everything below Houston and including avenues. Hard to touch it all. Still I want to

So here is a silly short list of the things I missed doing:

Going to Dojo's, first and foremost. I have been wanting to go there for 3 years now. There was rumor it was closing and I was in town and I still did not get there. I just want a soy burger dinner, but then I think about how heavy it is and how far a trek to the west village it is and it gets postponed another year. I may never get there, but I still want to.

Shopping at Pat Fields and Trash and Vaudeville. I have not been to Pat’s in decades. I imagine the store on 8th street in the 90’s, but still I want to visit. The same with Trash. My dream of Trash is being 14 and getting to touch cool clothes for the very first time. I spent an entire paycheck on boots there at 15. I probably wouldn’t find a thing I could relate to these days but I still get the urge.

Going to White Castle, yep, I will never go there, but driving past it on Queens blvd gives me the urge to taste a burger shake and fries. It would destroy my body internally and externally, so I do not take that urge seriously.

The Met. One if my fav paintings is George Washington Crossing the Delaware, so big and bold with the horses and the ice, I can just feeeel it. It blows me away, takes me right to the revolution. Gorgeous. I want to show it to my kids. One day I will.

All of my old apartments, including the one I owned in the west village. Easy come easy go.

Jumping in all the city pools and sprinklers, Ft Tryon, Tompkins Square, Houston and C.

Inwood park and the Dyckman House, i just want to walk the streets from Dyckman to the bridge, stopping at Sheila's building, Patricia's, Ellen's, Good Shepherd.  I actually drove past Susana's as we detoured across Dyckman, but I did not get to get out or eat puerto rican food or anything.

And of course i missed seeing all of you the most. So many beautiful faces, so little time. Happy for the one's i did see. Hopefully next time.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

rodeo drive

los angeles is grand. southern california is the american dream. the weather, the sky, the mountains, the ocean, the desert, everything so close and beautiful. and then there is that thing where some locations are as far away as connecticut or philly is to ny.

i had to take the kiddo to see a doctor today and it was a trek. so out of the way, but i did happen through beverly hills and i decided to stop and go to the gucci store, which i had been wanting to do for weeks because they have a new edition of a classic gucci boot out that i really wanted. Black, silver or beige leather higher than an ankle bootie, almost mid calf, back zip with a square toe and classic horse bit on the front. i have lusted for those boots for a decade or so when i saw a pair in white crushed patent. really really want! so we went to rodeo drive.

rodeo is another planet to me. it is the antithesis of my lovely silverlake los angeles life. I parked my car in front of a taxi-cab-yellow rolls royce, needless to say it was really unattractive, but i had to honk and yell at all the tourists taking pictures in the street just so i could get my car in. i must admit that i did feel a bit self conscious in that i was not looking my best and i had on no makeup and frizzy dirty hair left over from my humid new york visit. That plus a wrinkly summer dress and no bra, but alas i barged in like i belonged there and tried on the $1100 boots.

they were ok in real life but the truth is that i cannot do the 5 or 6 inch heel anymore, it is just too much. I can still dance all night in a pair of platforms that conceals a 4 inch slope, but my days of going steeper than that are behind me. alas, i am indeed showing signs getting old. so be it. i took the salesman's card, but i am not getting the boots. unless i find them for a fraction of the price at some point, then i get to satisfy the urge and not feel guilty for not getting much use out of them. they were cool but not great. with age comes the wisdom to know when to refrain from embracing, yes?

btw, as i am still a little homesick, i have been wanting to post this, which i came across when i posted liza singing new york new york a few days ago. it is her doing that song again, but at one of the first baseball games in new york after 911. she can still belt it out. amazing. a real fun tear jerker. xxh

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

100 words wednesday, sid and nancy and mick jagger

Today I learned that Mick Jagger paid Sid Vicious’s legal bills when he was arrested for the murder of Nancy Spungen. I learned this when happening upon an old interview with Johnny Lydon, who said Jagger did it quietly, not making a big deal out of it.  How incredibly kind and thoughtful. I had a similar experience when I was facing brutal legal fees. I have unending gratitude for the thoughtfulness that was life-saving for me. Nancy and Sid were babies, by the way. She was 20, when she died, not far from being an adolescent. Sid was 21. RIP.

oh how i adored this track as a young teen

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Bill Cosby and Oprah

wow! I am blown away by the New York magazine article featuring all of the women Bill Cosby raped. I read each woman’s story out of respect for each of them and respect for their courage. I am a big fan of innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. It is really dangerous to cross that line and I do so very consciously here only because the evidence in this situation is staggering. Bill Cosby is a serial compulsive rapist.

I remember a story Oprah told about Bill Cosby where she was at an event and he came up to her and said something to the effect that …no one was going to tell her, so he would, that she was wearing too much make-up. She took the interaction very positively, really appreciating that he cared for her. She immediately agreed and was so happy to be told so she could change. I did not have any attachment to Bill Cosby, did not love his show or anything, but I remember really disliking him when I heard the story. I remember thinking that we all have opinions about how other people look but the proper way to behave is to keep you opinions to yourself unless asked. I think the story illustrates how big his sheer audacity is, that he really thought that his opinion was more important than Oprah’s, that he felt entitled to comment on her appearance, that he acted like he was being helpful, and that even Oprah, one of the most powerful people in entertainment, was influenced by him. Imagine if it was just some stranger saying that to her she would have been like, Who the F asked you? When she told the story, there was not a trace of her thinking, how dare you comment on my appearance, not a trace. 

Bill Cosby is shamelessly bold and arrogant and I am thrilled that his behavior is being uncovered so that at least it will stop it from happening to anyone else. I truly hope that everyone involved in this horror finds peace.

Monday, July 27, 2015

bringing home the oscar

so my sister asked me to ask tom to bring the oscar to new york for the family and everyone to see. i figured it would be too much of  drag, but he was just coming for the weekend and traveling light and was happy to make everyone happy. he brought it.

that thing is a real hit. everyone really lights up when they see it, they all hold it and take pictures. it is a an iconic part of american culture. the family was so happy and  we had a great time ending our trip hanging out with the gang and the oscar and eating chicken cutlets parmesan and eggplant parmesan, new york style. it doesn't get much better than that.

at jfk, though, because we travel light and only do carry on, tom was a marked man and because he would not be scanned they had to search him and his bag. it really was a hilarious scene from a movie when the tsa agent was walking around the airport security area with an academy award in her hand, which she did not know what it was. She told tom that she did not think that he could bring it on the plane and carried it over to her supervisor who was a classic old school new yorker with the accent and everything. all of a sudden tsa workers were coming out of the woodwork, gathering around, asking what he won for, the whole bit. none of them had seen the film, (ahhh, the boroughs) but they were all smiling and congratulating him. of course he did indeed bring it on the plane. you gotta love those new yorkers. sad to go. happy to be home.

oh hell, lets just go there already...

Sunday, July 26, 2015


"When someone beats a rug, the blows are not against the rug, but against the dust in it."- Rumi. i iwll leave it at that. 
love you all. xh

Saturday, July 25, 2015

it was a teenage wedding

Went to the wedding of my extended family niece tonight. A big beautiful traditional italian new york wedding. it lasted all day  and all night. i have no energy to write but here i am to say that love is grand , love conquers all, tradition is fun, ceremony is important, dancing in community frees the soul, going big is important every once in a blue moon. Remember not to take your beloved for granted, appreciate your friends and family, take care, keep your heart open, love strong, love with abandon, be kind, stay true, always be loyal, design your own, do it your way, keep it real. You have no idea how good you have it, all you dollfaces out there! stay safe, steo with care, but take risks with your heart and love bravely. goodnight

Friday, July 24, 2015

you can't put your arm around a memeory

travel really messes with the equilibrium. i forget so many things when i am traveling, i forget that when my baby is not eating anything for dinner, i should check his diaper. checked it too late. so all he ate for dinner was 2 bananas. i forget to notice exactly how exhausted my daughter is until it is way to late. i am hip to all of the clues at home but while traveling, i am off my game and so is she. so tonight she seemed cool until i started to wash her hair, which is a real event, and then she melted into craziness. i would never have washed it if i had noticed any of the clue, which were subtle. i was off and so was she and it can all lead to the perfect storm, but somehow the gods intervened.

the baby is way sensitive too. both are de-jet-lagging and  it is hard to guess what the schedule should be and when bedtime is. I have to remember to tread lightly, but i forget to because i am off my game too. i need to tread lightly with myself too. i forget because it doesn't seem like such a big deal. we are just traveling, but we are all sensitive, all off our game all needing tenderness and ease as we are strangers in a strange land. not really, but yep, strange enough, it makes a difference. live and learn. i need to remember to remember.

otherwise, i am loving my trip, happy to be here. life is great. new york is my home. i am loving seeing my amazing family and friends. and remembering that i need kid gloves with everything. remember to remember.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

looking good in the big apple

So I packed super light to come to nyc because I had to handle two little people and my suitcase and my purse and a food bag that included food for three for 9 hours or so. On top of that I needed to have all kinds of extras on hand like toys and headphones for 2, the special blanket, sweaters for 3, a pacifier and whatnot. It all had to fit in my purse and carry on because checking a bag adds a half an hour or more to the trip plus the possibility of lost luggage which i have had the bad luck of having that happen to me twice, both of which are unacceptable when traveling with little kids, yes?

SOOOOOO, I packed the most utilitarian clothes, nothing cool at all. no room. As I walked out the door I threw one extra dress, a cool 7 year old piece by Young Gifted and Broke, which would probably not work, into my overstuffed suitcase, just in case. And low and behold, I got taken out to dinner by a dear friend at  a great restaurant just off of canal street called Dimes and I wore the dress and it worked. It is just way too painful to not look good when going back to your hometown, yes?

Then today I got to go to my favorite kid's consignment shop, Jane's exchange on e 3rd street, and picked up some great nyc clothes for my girl, including some sky blue metallic leather loafers (what!!?). LA is great but she needs some serious style that you can only get in NY. We all need to look good, yes?

Lastly, my friend Jesse's lovely girlfriend Davi, who I have never even met, was so hospitable and kindly gave us a bag of goodies from Blackheart Records, for the kids really, but I snagged one of the Joan Jett kiddie tee shirts, because I could and to support Joan right now, a la non-judgement. My son got a Clash t shirt and my daughter got a Runaways tee and a Bad Reputation tee. Me and my friends all sang her the song and she has not taken it off since. It happened to be my favorite song when I was 14, so it makes sense that she would dig it. No matter what I do it always come back to the punk rock and roll, yes?

I will be at a wedding on saturday and mailed my Oscar dress and heels out last week, so I would not have to try and fit it in my suitcase, yet another excuse to wear that dress into the ground. My fashion philosophy is buy a hand picked exquisite expensive piece a couple of times a year, (don't waste money on the cheap stuff and do consignment if you have to), and then tastefully wear it into the ground. Wearing couture 5-10 years after the season it came out is style brilliance, or 90 years after it came out, in this dress's case. What a drag to be fashionably limited by space, money, or travel, so don't be. Can a get a witness?  xH

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Sorry for the radio silence, I heart ny

We are having technical difficulties.....
Arg, I missed you last night. I tried to post but did not have a wifi password and then when I did I was caught up in getting 2 jet-lagged kids to bed. 

Funny but I had thought about surrendering to motherhood, to just being available, to letting go of my attachment to "me time" where I get to chill and write each night and lo and behold, it was forced upon me. I was stuck parenting and wound up not even washing my face for lack of time. They just needed me so I was there. Not easy or fun but sometimes necessary.

Anyway, I am in NYC and thrilled to be here and seeing friends. We went to Coney Island today and beautiful strangers offered to help me get the stroller up and down the stairs without me even asking. I made sure to tell my daughter, "that is New York. See how people just offer to help do heavy lifting!" It was truely beautiful and heart warming. I had been nervous about making the trek alone but it turned out perfect and easy AND i ran into a beachmate and dear friend/sister on the subway. talk about being taken care of. i am so taken care of when i come home. We had a blast in the water and sand. 

Technical issues, so I will continue maƱana!
I  L O V E  NY.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Pray for me

I am packing and taking 2 kids on the plane to NYC, just me and them, tomorrow. Just me and them! One on my lap and one next to me. Say a prayer for me. I need strength and patience, which are both hard to manifest when sleep deprived and over worked. I am excited to go to my hometown and see a few faces. I wish I could see you all. Hopefully next time I will have a spouse and more time. Pm me if you are around the les wed night. Forgive the short posts.
I am just going to go all Rumi on you for my vacation.

“Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.”

Sunday, July 19, 2015

It hurts me too

Oh man, Hound Dog Taylor, you are killing me. I am not the biggest fan of his catalog, but this track!!?? Oh, man, he goes there, deep into the feelings. I love when people are in touch with the core, when they feel at the gut level and express it. That is the making of great art. I love it in art and I love it even more in real life. Go there, it is safe and amazing. It is where you heal.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

rape conversation part 2, empathy for the bystanders, and more...

So much more to say, so little time. But I want to touch on being a bystander. I am so impressed by how brave Jackie Fuchs is in her telling of her rape, and admire how she had been speaking so empathetically about the bystanders who witnessed her rape. She is really steering the conversation away from blaming anyone but the rapist.

One time at The Strip, a rock club on 14th street that booked garage bands in the basement of an “old man bar”, there was talk that there was a naked lady lying on the floor upstairs in the “old man bar” part. You had to go up there to use the bathroom so when my friend and I went up the bathroom we did indeed see a woman lying on the floor in the corner with no clothes on. I have to say that it was a shocking and disorienting sight. I was probably 21 and I felt a sickening feeling as a witness but I had no idea that there was anything to do like cover her or get her help or ask the bartender what happened. The entire bar of old timers sat on their stools with their drinks, their backs to her, and acted like nothing strange was happening. The bar tender went on pouring drinks. We went downstairs shaken by the event but did the same thing as the old timers, nothing. 

Another time I was on a hallucinogenic and I met a guy I liked at a party. We were talking and he soon he started to undress another guy who was passed out on the floor. He unbuttoned his pants and started to slide them off, all the time smiling. I went into freeze mode as in “Fight, Flight, or Freeze”. I could not wrap my head around what was happening. I was liking this guy and then everything changed so fast. Was he doing something funny? He was smiling but it did not feel funny. What the fuck was he doing? My girlfriend came over and pulled me away, mad, and told me not to stand by a guy doing that. Her action stopped the guy from continuing his undressing of the passed out guy. I felt awful, confused sickened.

Lastly, there was a time when, as a kid of about 8, an adult was starting to touch me inappropriately and he was with another kid who was part of his family. I managed to get up and get out of the situation but I never even thought about the other kid. I did not try to protect the other kid, I just got out of there, F L I G H T. 

I regret all of these incidents where I could not take action and finally have empathy for my limited self. I tell these stories to say that I completely understand that some witnesses to Jackie’s rape just left horrified and some stayed and did nothing. Because there was danger, some were in flight and some were in freeze. Both are scary places because our survival instincts are overriding our rational brain. Seeing even a consenting act of sex, much less a rape, unexpectedly in a public setting would be disorienting and it would be really hard to get clarity on what exactly was going on especially if you are young and high or drinking. It takes a lot of awareness and confidence and strength to call out a rapist in their presence, or to interrupt a sex act.

We all get fuzzy in these situations we are not used to, like in disasters, or other dangerous incidents. People in survival mode or in shock get apathetic and mill around and it takes a leader to direct and motivate people to move towards survival. I wrote more about it here

As an adult I have learned, intentionally through training, to step in when there is something bad going on. One thing they say is that you have to assume the leader role and delegate and that you have to look people in the eye and connect with them and tell them what to do. Once I saw a bad accident and I stepped in and delegated- you call the cops, you get ice.

Once I was in a cab accident and someone came over and told me what to do. They wrote down the cab’s info for me and said to go to the emergency room to make sure I was ok, and they said that the cab had to pay for it. I did what they said. I had been in shock and had no idea what to do and felt so appreciative so I always try to be a leader when I see a situation where someone may be disoriented. I always try to go over and help.

One time I saw someone in trouble at the gym and no one was stepping in. The person had wet them selves and was acting crazy, trying the machines incorrectly and flopping around. Some thing was wrong so I went to help them and they made a beeline to get in their car. When I got close I could smell alcohol really strong so I took their car keys. I honestly had no idea what to do. They were a stranger. But I had learned that that is what I was supposed to do, step in in such a situation, so I did. I told the security at the gym and gave them the keys and let them finish the job. It was scary and weird and really hard to take action.

I am fully aware that none of these examples are as extreme as a public rape. I just want to talk about it. Talking about it plants seeds of awareness that might sprout in an extreme situation. I hope that reading this blog is a little bit like doing a fire drill. If you are unable to stop a dangerous situation like rape, one person suggested that  you can just say something like “Somebody in the other room just called the cops!” like you are giving a heads up, instead of intervening.  And if you go into flight or freeze, please have a lot of empathy for yourself.

Friday, July 17, 2015

the rape conversation

Wow. The world is changing and it is amazing. First the women who were drugged by Bill Cosby started coming forward, then people started listening to them and believing them and now Jackie Fuchs (Fox) is telling her story about being raped by Kim Fowley, when she was in the Runaways. There is so much dialogue going on about rape, and the bystander effect, and remaining silent, and the issue of powerful personalities. And there is a movement to call out those who practice the sexist dismissing and blaming of the person who was raped. It is about time and it is brilliant to see such progress. The hideous crime persists but the way it is dealt with is slowly and radically shifting. Things do indeed change.

What I wanted to add to the conversation was first to validate the part of many people’s story where young people do not tell anyone, or just tell other young friends. For so many reasons we do not tell our parents,  mainly because it is so scary: scary to say it to an adult; scary what their reaction might be; scared that it might make them feel disappointed in us; scared it might hurt them, overwhelm them, make them sad, mad, scared like us; scared they might do something about it; scared they might not; scared they will believe us; scared they won’t; scared they will confirm our worst fear, that it was our fault; scared we will get in trouble; scared we did something wrong. Terrifying to tell, so we keep it in.

I did not tell my parents but  I told my teenage friend at the time when I was 16 and my boss drugged me with quaaludes and alcohol (pretty coincidental, these guys all use that same formula) . I passed out as he lay on top of me and came to with him splashing water in my face.

He got panicky and tried to revive me. I was so small, just 90 lbs and the drugs were too much. I will never know how far he went, even though I was still dressed when I came to. Did he jerk off on me? Use my body parts? And I will never know why he stopped and got scared. Did my eyes roll to the back of my head? Was I limper than the last girl?

Telling my teenage friend gave me mild relief but ultimately she was no help on terms of giving me empathy or steering me in the direction of proper help. She was just a kid with no clue, just like me.

My girl friend also spared her parents but told her teenage friends when a boy raped her. Their teenage brains figured out that she should try to become his girlfriend to fix it. That is how teenage brains work.

Kids are not good at fixing grown up problems. When does someone have the capacity to handle such overwhelming feelings? 8 years old, 13 years old, 16 year old, 18? 21? 25? I couldn’t even look what had happened to me until I was almost 30, and it took much longer to start to heal.

God bless all the young people who hold this stuff in, deal with it by themselves. Can we have PSA’s about how to get help, how to speak up, can we start believing women and figure out a protocol to have empathetic responders. Lets keep this change moving in the right direction. Thank you to all the brave women and men who are speaking up, no matter how much time has passed. Tell someone, get help, love yourself.

"I hope that by coming out, I somehow give a voice to people who still don't feel safe telling their stories, if vicariously they can feel like they've spoken out. And by other people who have emailed saying, "You've given me the courage to tell people what happened to me." That's the part that makes it worth enduring the haters.
I'm focusing on the supporters, because there are thousands of them. And for a lot of people, it's a relief to hear other people talking about rape in such an open fashion, because there are a lot of silent victims. It's just the more people that are willing to talk about it, the easier it will get for victims of rape to speak up and to speak up earlier." Jackie Fuchs in the Los Angeles Times

I have a little more to say so till tomorrow…. To be continued

Thursday, July 16, 2015

happy anniversary

I got married ten years ago today!

It feels like several lifetimes ago and also just yesterday. What is of most interest is how easeful our vow renewal was compared to our wedding. In the same way our second adoption was so easeful compared to our first. I want to credit that to trauma work and healing. The story of our wedding is here, (way too much for me to get into) but the one thing I will say is that we had the BEST intentions for it to be a soft peaceful event without stress, and the pain caused by the explosion of several events was staggering. I can say the exact same thing for our first adoption.

Then after years of trauma work for unrelated events, our second “wedding” and second adoption were easy breezey dreams. The events of my past traumas might be unrelated but some of the issues were the same, like family and intimacy. Creating the sane happy home that I longed for took getting over some very real hurdles but in the end it was all worth while.

I am thrilled to be walking down this road with my husband for a decade. It is amazing and the best is yet to come. Happy Anniversary Tommy, I'll shout it out for everyone to hear, I love you so!

i will never forget floating around on the lazy river and hearing this song with you...

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

100 words on a Wednesday

Johnny Nash was the first celebrity I ever saw. He was coming towards me, down 5th avenue on a float in the Thanksgiving Day parade, singing I Can See Clearly Now. I was in elementary school standing in the freezing New York November morning with numb fingers and frozen toes. I never leaned how to dress warm and didn’t have the right clothes until my 30’s. Some of my friends went to a concert to see the Osmonds play, but that was out of our league. I had never seen a “known” person before. I never forgot it, never will.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Help part 2

So what am I so scare of you might ask? What’s the big deal?
I cannot say right now, but I will tell you things I have been this scared of in the past.

I had panic attacks when I started to deal with the fact of being sexually abused as a kid. I always had knowledge of it, but when I decided to tell people and get help it was excruciatingly terrifying to look that devil in the eye. I wound up in the emergency room explaining to them that my blood was not flowing through my veins. The New York nurse at Saint Vincent’s (now luxury apartments, yes?) was brutal in dismissing me and sent me home saying that I was just having a panic attack! I hope you chuckled when you read that last line because that is some great tragedy plus time.

Anything can seem terrifying if you have the right set up from childhood or other trauma. I had never really had the luxury of safety. I’ve been in terror over money, intimacy, family, so many things. I remember taking fertility drugs for the first time and sitting on the kitchen floor at 1am unable to breathe, scared to death of what might happen, scared of my body, afraid to trust anything, scared of everything. It lasted 5 minutes, I moved on. Most of that is in my past so this is a real drag to have a new demon rearing its ugly head, but I can do it.

Anyway, they say that when you experience trauma you can recreate it until you work though it. Some people have been in several plane crashes! OJ Simpson was found guilty of the robbery crime 13 years to the day, the exact day he had been acquitted of the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman! Our inner workings are powerful beyond belief and bigger than the sum of the parts.

Fear is what keeps us in bad jobs, wrong relationships, keep us from manifesting our dreams and from living the life we are meant to live. The unknown can be terrifying, so we stay in the familiar, even if it debilitating, toxic, and soul crushing. Weird but true. So venture if you dare…

This much I do know, the bark of terror is so much worse than the bite. I remember all those years ago, my therapist sitting with me while I uncovered truths and could not breathe and her saying, “you already lived through it. You did it already, you got through the worst part. It doesn’t get any worse.” Deal with your stuff if you don’t want it haunting you because as my old pal Charlie used to say, “see me now or see me later.”

Monday, July 13, 2015

Help Part 1

Today was CRAZY!

The fire department had to get my baby out of the car today! I parked and locked my door, the driver’s side, key in hand and walked to the other side of the car to take out my son and I could not open the door more than three inches because the curb on sunset is soooo high it blocked the car door. The driver side door lock recently broke (who has time to fix it?) and I could not get back in on that side. My phone and wallet and aaa card and everything was in the car with the baby. It was a typical hot los angeles day and the car was heating up fast. There was no one on the street. I yelled help to no one in particular. Shortly a stranger walked by and I got them to call 911 for me. The fire department came in 5 minutes and the baby was out in 10 or so. It was terrifying.

Let me also just say that I have been in physical pain for days (i am almost never in physical pain, and never prolonged, this is new) and I finally figured out that the pain is feelings that I have not dealt with and the feeling is predominantly terror. And terror is so powerful it can reek havoc. Terror wants me captive, it does not want to be diminished, so incident after incident plagued me today to keep me stuck in fear. I was on my way to an appointment to get help with processing my terror when the baby got stuck in the car (even though I was holding the key?!) and of course missed it because I was dealing with the fire department and my kid.

I had booked a massage to help with the pain and the practitioner called and cancelled. I had booked a doctor appointment to make sure there was not a bigger issue and that entire building got shut down due to some sewer issue and they cancelled my appointment as well. Then I went as a walk in to another doctor but they could not see me because they were under staffed.

Four attempts at help were thwarted by a Terror so strong. Terror is the real deal. It is why some people stick needles into their veins and turn tricks just to stick more needles. Feelings unfelt come out sideways and destroy lives. And it can be easier, more preferable, to live in the hell of addiction or even die, then to feel stuff sometimes. Fuck. This stuff is real.

So I made two more attempts and I finally got a massage to break up the pain and I got a doctors appointment to keep an eye on things. Let me tell you that it is really hard to make time to get any self care with two kids and to have it set up and all fall through and still manage to set it up again is colossal. More like miraculous.

During the massage when asked to “let go” of what I was holding on to so friggin tight, I was so afraid to that I could not breathe and then I was so afraid that I couldn’t breathe that I spiraled into terror. Luckily, I have a million practices to deal with trauma and I remembered to stay calm and stay in my body and sit with the fear and “let go” alittle. It is not easy and I do not blame anyone who chooses to self medicate rather than feel the depth of their terror.

BUT if you are trying to show up and move through your feelings, your fear, your terror, your whatever, I got your back. You are safe with me. Keep going, you can do it. I give you credit for being so brave. I am here and I know you can do it.

To be continued…..

Sunday, July 12, 2015

living the dream

As a teenager I could think of nothing more romantic then the song I Want You Around by those clever Ramones. I first hear it in 8th grade when I saw the film Rock and Roll High School. In the film Riff Randall smokes a joint and imagines Joey Ramone in her bed and then she opens her shower curtain and sees Dee Dee in her shower, playing bass under the falling water, with wet hair and clothes. I could barely stand it!

Later in life I had the great privilege of casually knowing Dee Dee and Joey. And as amazing and talented and cool as they both were, I am so happy that I did not marry either of them (not that they asked or anything), but married my husband instead. Last night at my anniversary party I got to sing that romantic song to my husband, which was one of my favorite parts of the night, second only to having my kids at the ceremony, and seeing how happy and excited my daughter was, glowing in her fancy dress.

To elaborate, Last night I renewed my wedding vows with my husband. It was our ten-year anniversary and we made a very casual decision to renew our vows. I have written about how busy I get with two kids and perhaps I have mentioned that my husband works ridiculous film business hours so it is hard to get time to think about things together, much less talk with him about very much. We were so sloppy in putting together a guest list and so late in getting it out. At first our vision was just a grown up party and then we decided to get a celebrant to do the vows and then we realized that we needed to have our kids there and my in-laws who live locally, who were not invited till 3 days prior. As messy as we were we pulled off an incredibly fun and beautiful event and everything worked out perfect.

The day before the party I had a complete melt down with my daughter and I realized that I was under WAY TOO MUCH stress. My body hurt from stress the day of the party, which made me actually have gratitude that my wedding ten years ago had been cancelled by the venue 2 days prior to the wedding. I appreciated that universe put that ridiculous hurdle in our path so that we could freak out until there was nothing left to freak out about. We got it all out of our systems. By the day of, we had nothing left to loose and we were calm and happy and present. What a weird and thoughtful gift.

For this event, I was pretty stressed out having to co ordinate all of the food and drinks and music and every other detail. I scrapped many details to keep it simple but it was still overwhelming. I am not a picky person. I can be really loose about life, but just getting through a day without my husband around is on the verge of overwhelming with a 5 year old and a one year old. Then add to it throwing a party, and then add to it trying to look nice for the party. It is hard to just get mascara on a good day, so I had my plate full, even with hiring help, because delegating still takes time and energy.

But despite everything leading up to it, the night was perfect. Champaign flowed all night long; the friends who came were perfect, lovely and loving and fun; the kids made it over to the ceremony with the sitter and it was beautiful to have them there; I got to dance to my hearts content with gorgeous friends and even sing a few songs; the food and drink all worked out; and I was able to be present and show up for my husband and renew our commitment while surrounded and supported by family and friends. Can’t think of a thing I would change. Than you thank you thank you. Living the dream, xHolly

30 second blog

just like when I saw the replacements and at first I could not remember why I bought the ticket and then it turned out to be so great. I am way to busy to have time to think about things for very long. I wondered why we were renewing our vows. And then the event happened  and I remembered why ceremony and ritual is so important, and so important for our kids to see. It all matters, just do it.

Tonight was beautiful and perfect and I am so lucky to have such an amazing community of family and friends. Love is all you need.

there, i did it, i wrote. good night.

Friday, July 10, 2015

getting remarried tomorrow, just need more time...

The Dalai Lama says, “When we resist indulging in a self-centered view of the world, we can replace it with a worldview that takes every living being into account.”  Far from the ideal, I still strive.

I am getting remarried tomorrow so the writing will suffer. I have no idea how I will pull it off, as there is so much to do and no time to do it. but I will allow for miracles and tell you more tomorrow.

BTW, The Farm, a documentary about Angola prison is now on netflix. A fav of mine, it was not on dvd and is finally seeable. It is really brilliant. I love seeing the transformation of a few of these guys, it is real, palpable, shining and moving. I believe that all transformation is possible.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

i'm sorry

Someone pointed out that something I wrote is lacking in sensitivity and they were right. It brought up a bunch of thoughts and I want to take some responsibility here.

Jon Ronson, the author of So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, likens the power of shaming someone on the internet to 'We are toddlers crawling towards a gun.' His thoughts are really interesting and will not try to paraphrase them, as you can google if interested. Shaming is the last thing I am interested in doing here, but the point is that words are powerful, more powerful then ever.

I love writing, I love telling stories about life, both the fun and the sad. I hate changing names because real names are so great, but I always change the names to protect both the innocent and often the guilty. If I need to out the guilty I can do it in a court of law, yes? Once I change the name I figure I am free to write, right? Not exactly.

So I wrote a piece where I visited the hell of my youth, and wrote about the horror I was programmed to become, and the joy of avoiding that fate. I write about that topic a lot because there are so many incidents. I love to write about how low I have gone on the ladder to remind and inspire, to help and uplift.

So I posted the piece and it included an unflattering description of someone whose name I changed and who maybe 7 people on the planet would know who I was talking about. The piece was really all about how unflattering I was. The ending description of several words was written to reflect my state of mind, how black and white and ridiculous obsession is. However, if the person who it was about read it, it would be hurtful, which was not my intention at all. Still, I wouldn’t want to read a line about myself like that. I did not do a good job expressing my thoughts and thus published something thoughtless and unkind.  I apologize for that. I edited the piece.

When I traipse through the hellish part pf my coming of age story, I am going deep inside and because this blog written daily, on the fly, (after the 2 kids are in bed and after the dishes are done and the lunch is made and I have a few minutes left in my day), it is imperfect. That is part of the beauty for me. I try to take full responsibility for all of my actions in these stories and sometimes i fail.  Anyway, I really appreciate being reminded to remain sensitive to the other players in my story who just happened to be there. I write this just because.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

100 words on a wednesday, what a trip!

oh hell, I found our vows and have been just sobbing ever since, listening to Astral Weeks, probably the most romantic celebration of love recording ever. Man, we wrote some cool vows and then there was this reading at our wedding by Roy Croft that has this line about… I love you for putting your hand into my heart and “drawing out into the light the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.” It kills me. That is my husband, right there. I did not realize what a trip this vow renewal would be.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

together 10 years...

Our 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up and we decided to have a big party and then decided to renew our vows. It is really great and exciting, but I did not think abut it much and now I find myself throwing a wedding, which is great, but intense since it is coming up quick and I am already strapped for time and energy with my two kids. I also underestimated what it means to renew your vows. I thought it was casual and now I see it is the real deal.

I recall saying that the academy awards was like throwing a wedding, and I managed with a ton of help and here I go again, 2nd major event in 6 months. The good news is that I have a dress and shoes, and yes they are my Oscars outfit. So fun to have a reason to dress up and see friends and dance.

Anyway, bear with my posts this week, I am overwhelmed and have no time and will be sharing oldies but goodies, favs by other writers and short notes. And yet I type away tonight. It is hard to stop, but I still have not found our vows!! I have looked everywhere. Where are they??

The beauty is that I am madly in love with my husband and so lucky to get to be in a relationship with someone who wants to do this thing with me. I set myself up for many years to be miserable, for good reason. I dated unavailable guys because I was unavailable, terrified of human being and intimacy, which is just being real and close and honest and trusting with someone. Terrified because I had been really hurt by people as a kid, really betrayed. Great reason, but I have outgrown the result of that, of staying scared and unavailable. I have been visiting some of the old stories lately as a I gaze on how far I have come, intentionally, through hard work, which is so f*ing stunning. If you are struggling, please know you can make it. All transformation is possible.

Monday, July 6, 2015

"earth is crammed with heaven"

I found this twelve year old piece of writing in an old email while looking for my 10 year old wedding vows. this is written by the amazing Rob Brezsny. i love it, especially the last half. xh

by Rob Brezsny

This is a perfect moment.
It's a perfect moment for many reasons,
but especially because you and I
are waking up
from our sleepwalking thumbsucking dumbclucking collusion
with the masters of illusion and destruction.

Thanks to them, from whom the painful blessings flow,
We are waking up.

Thanks to them, from whom the awful teachings ooze,
We are waking up.

Their wars and tortures,
their devils and borders,
extinctions of species
and brand new diseases,
their spying and lying
in the name of the father,
sterilizing seeds and
trademarking water,
stealing our dreams and
changing our names,
their brilliant commercials,
their endless rehearsals
for the end of the world.

Thanks to them, from whom the painful blessings flow,
We are waking up.

Thanks to them, from whom the awful teachings ooze,
We are waking up

Their painful blessings
are cracking open holes
in the sour and puckered
mass hallucination
mistakenly called reality.

News of the soul's true home
is infiltrating our increasingly lucid
waking dreams.

Wild ripe juicy eternity
is flooding in.

Our allies
from the other side of the veil
are swarming in.

We're waking up.

And as Heaven and Earth come together,
as the dreamtime and daytime merge,
as paradise and the underworld overlap,
we register the shockingly exhilarating fact
that we are in charge
-- you and I are in charge --
of making a brand new world.
Not in some distant time or faraway place,
but right here and right now.

As we stand on this brink,
as we dance on this verge,
we can't let the ruling fools of the dying world
sustain their curses.

We have to rise up and fight their insane logic;
defy and resist and prevent their tragic magic;
unleash our sacred rage and let them feel it.

But overthrowing the living dead is not enough.
Protesting the well-dressed monsters is not enough.
We can't afford to be consumed with anger --
can't be obsessed and possessed with complaint.
Our sweet animal bodies
need to feel rowdy blessings.
Our amazing imaginations
need to thrive on missions
that incite our delight.

We need truths in their wild state,
insurrectionary beauty
that excites our curiosity,
outrageous goodness
that drives us to perform
heroic acts of lusty compassion,
ingenious love
that endlessly transforms us,
tricky freedom
that is never permanent
but must be reinvented and reclaimed every day,
and a totally-serious-yet-always-laughing justice
that schemes and dreams
about how to diminish the suffering
and increase the joy
of every sentient being.

So I'm radically curious, my fellow creators;
I'm seriously delirious:
Since we are in charge
of making a brand New World,
where do we begin?

What truths in their wild state
are we planning to plant
at the heart of our creation?
What stories will be our reminders?
What questions will be our fuel?

Here's one for you:
in the New World
you will know through and through
that life is crazily in love with you --
life is wildly and innocently in love with you.

In the New World,
you will know beyond a doubt
that thousands of secret helpers are
angling to turn you into
the gorgeous curiosity you were born to be.

But then here's the loaded question.
The love that life eternally floods you with
has not exactly been unrequited,
but there's room for you to be more demonstrative.
If life is wildly and innocently in love with you,
are you prepared to start loving life back
the way it loves you?

In the New World, you will.

In the New World,
you will reject paranoia with all of your smart heart.
Instead, you will embrace Pronoia,
Which is the opposite of paranoia.
Pronoia is the sneaking suspicion
that the whole living world
is conspiring to shower you with rowdy blessings.
Pronoia is the dawning perception
that life is a conspiracy
to liberate you from ignorance,
and fill you with love,
and make you brilliantly soulful.

My fellow creators,
I want you to know
that I am allergic to dogma.
I don't trust any idea
that requires me to believe in it absolutely.
There are very few things
about which I am totally certain.

But I am absolutely certain
that Pronoia describes the way the world actually is.
Pronoia is wetter than water,
truer than the facts,
and stronger than death.
It smells like cedar smoke in spring rain,
and if you close your eyes right now,
you can feel it shimmering
in your soft warm animal body
like the aurora borealis.

The sweet stuff that quenches all of your longing
is not far away in some other time and place.
it's right here and right now.

Earth is crammed with heaven.