Monday, July 13, 2015

Help Part 1

Today was CRAZY!

The fire department had to get my baby out of the car today! I parked and locked my door, the driver’s side, key in hand and walked to the other side of the car to take out my son and I could not open the door more than three inches because the curb on sunset is soooo high it blocked the car door. The driver side door lock recently broke (who has time to fix it?) and I could not get back in on that side. My phone and wallet and aaa card and everything was in the car with the baby. It was a typical hot los angeles day and the car was heating up fast. There was no one on the street. I yelled help to no one in particular. Shortly a stranger walked by and I got them to call 911 for me. The fire department came in 5 minutes and the baby was out in 10 or so. It was terrifying.

Let me also just say that I have been in physical pain for days (i am almost never in physical pain, and never prolonged, this is new) and I finally figured out that the pain is feelings that I have not dealt with and the feeling is predominantly terror. And terror is so powerful it can reek havoc. Terror wants me captive, it does not want to be diminished, so incident after incident plagued me today to keep me stuck in fear. I was on my way to an appointment to get help with processing my terror when the baby got stuck in the car (even though I was holding the key?!) and of course missed it because I was dealing with the fire department and my kid.

I had booked a massage to help with the pain and the practitioner called and cancelled. I had booked a doctor appointment to make sure there was not a bigger issue and that entire building got shut down due to some sewer issue and they cancelled my appointment as well. Then I went as a walk in to another doctor but they could not see me because they were under staffed.

Four attempts at help were thwarted by a Terror so strong. Terror is the real deal. It is why some people stick needles into their veins and turn tricks just to stick more needles. Feelings unfelt come out sideways and destroy lives. And it can be easier, more preferable, to live in the hell of addiction or even die, then to feel stuff sometimes. Fuck. This stuff is real.

So I made two more attempts and I finally got a massage to break up the pain and I got a doctors appointment to keep an eye on things. Let me tell you that it is really hard to make time to get any self care with two kids and to have it set up and all fall through and still manage to set it up again is colossal. More like miraculous.

During the massage when asked to “let go” of what I was holding on to so friggin tight, I was so afraid to that I could not breathe and then I was so afraid that I couldn’t breathe that I spiraled into terror. Luckily, I have a million practices to deal with trauma and I remembered to stay calm and stay in my body and sit with the fear and “let go” alittle. It is not easy and I do not blame anyone who chooses to self medicate rather than feel the depth of their terror.

BUT if you are trying to show up and move through your feelings, your fear, your terror, your whatever, I got your back. You are safe with me. Keep going, you can do it. I give you credit for being so brave. I am here and I know you can do it.

To be continued…..

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