So what am I so scare of you might ask? What’s the big deal?
I cannot say right now, but I will tell you things I have been this scared of in the past.
I had panic attacks when I started to deal with the fact of being sexually abused as a kid. I always had knowledge of it, but when I decided to tell people and get help it was excruciatingly terrifying to look that devil in the eye. I wound up in the emergency room explaining to them that my blood was not flowing through my veins. The New York nurse at Saint Vincent’s (now luxury apartments, yes?) was brutal in dismissing me and sent me home saying that I was just having a panic attack! I hope you chuckled when you read that last line because that is some great tragedy plus time.
Anything can seem terrifying if you have the right set up from childhood or other trauma. I had never really had the luxury of safety. I’ve been in terror over money, intimacy, family, so many things. I remember taking fertility drugs for the first time and sitting on the kitchen floor at 1am unable to breathe, scared to death of what might happen, scared of my body, afraid to trust anything, scared of everything. It lasted 5 minutes, I moved on. Most of that is in my past so this is a real drag to have a new demon rearing its ugly head, but I can do it.
Anyway, they say that when you experience trauma you can recreate it until you work though it. Some people have been in several plane crashes! OJ Simpson was found guilty of the robbery crime 13 years to the day, the exact day he had been acquitted of the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman! Our inner workings are powerful beyond belief and bigger than the sum of the parts.
Fear is what keeps us in bad jobs, wrong relationships, keep us from manifesting our dreams and from living the life we are meant to live. The unknown can be terrifying, so we stay in the familiar, even if it debilitating, toxic, and soul crushing. Weird but true. So venture if you dare…
This much I do know, the bark of terror is so much worse than the bite. I remember all those years ago, my therapist sitting with me while I uncovered truths and could not breathe and her saying, “you already lived through it. You did it already, you got through the worst part. It doesn’t get any worse.” Deal with your stuff if you don’t want it haunting you because as my old pal Charlie used to say, “see me now or see me later.”