Thursday, July 2, 2015

The lowest point of my life

I had this really bad boyfriend. He was an ex con and a drug dealer but that was not what made him bad. He was bad because he was a con artist and he conned me too, he lied and tricked and all that stuff. When I confronted him he acted like he was an honest guy who had no need to lie, said that cowards lied, people who did not live authentically needed to lie, but if he wanted to do something, like cheat, he would just do it, why lie about it?

I was 10 years his junior and young and still learning and I was a mess and as I like to say, "water seeks its own level". I was his match in my own way, equally messed up, that is why we were together.

We were in bed one day and I was feeling really far away from him and in a desperate attempt to connect I tried to initiate sex and he said no thanks. I remember lying there feeling devastated. I felt the rejection in my core. I knew that I was being rejected in my entirety.

I write about various break ups and how hard I took them and always say I was recreating my core wound. I would recreate it a million times until I understood it, until I understood that I was ok in the face of anyone’s rejection. I did not know that yet. I did not understand what had happened to me as a kid and that I was ok no matter what. Instead I kept trying to prove the opposite, prove that I was good enough to make someone stay. Prove that I was good enough to change a mean person into someone who was nice to me, still trying to get the person who slung the arrow to heal the wound. I did not know that that was impossible. Instead I would get devastated by my failures, by these breakups, unconscious that I had everything backwards and unconscious that I was being broken open so I could heal the bigger wound.

This is the crazy part. I was raised catholic and had this strong spiritual longing as a kid. I went on to outgrow religion by middle school and was cut off from any spiritual seeking till my thirties. But on this particular day when I was so very devastated by this not nice guy, I turned to the wall and prayed. Weird choice but I had nothing left. I was at the bottom. I was trying to make a not nice, not good-looking guy like me and failing. That is the bottom. And when I prayed, I just said to no one in particular, “please help me. I do not know what to do.” And then the mean guy said he thought we should break up and I had this incredible ease and I said ok. And that was that. He left. And I was on my way to start figuring out what was going on for me.

The funny ending is that he never got over it. He tried many times to engage me. Shortly after he invited me to coffee, saying that he needed to talk to me, and actually said ‘ I was unfair to you breaking up with you so abruptly and I just wanted to give you a chance to talk to me and ask me any questions you might have”. Really baiting me. I just sat there looking at him blankly and said that I did not have any questions. My obsession had been lifted. I actually enjoyed not giving a shit and watching him freak out. I had been a chaser for so long and it felt great to be on the other side. I was not interest in continuing my chase. I let it go. To this very day if I see this creepy guy, he tries to connect with me and lure me in. It is so funny how that works. I get no consolation from that, I just observe how much I have changed, consciously, on purpose and how exactly the same he is and I just know that I am really lucky.

If things aren’t working you can always act different. Fake it till you make it, kids. I write this to remind my self. Love on.

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