Tuesday, August 4, 2015

breakdown


Thinking about Amy Winehouse reminded me of myself. Not her talent, but her trajectory. I had a band and local attention and we so wanted to very badly to take it to the next level. I had a nervous breakdown during that time. The break was about my denial lifting and me coming to terms with my painful childhood. What shitty timing. I remember how hard it was to perform during that time, how scary it was to go out there on stage and do what I had been doing, how fragile I had become (thankfully, because the walls wrer coming down), how wrecked I looked.

I had basically lived in nightclubs. I played gigs, djed at my club, acted in blacklips and hung out at Jackie 60 and other places and all of a sudden that life was not working for me. I had to cancel some shows and events out of terror and sheer inability. Because my band never took off past some college charting, I could walk away from stuff without much damage, little financial pressure and no outside agencies wanting anything from me, just some disappointment. It was still excruciating to walk away from even little one event, but it was easier than doing it, and I cannot imagine what it would have been like if I HAD TO DO IT, or felt more pressure than I was already putting on myself. I would have broke. 

I have lived at least 100 lives in this short life of mine in that I am ever evolving growing changing, figuring stuff out and moving along, and had I gotten some fame for being what I was at that time, I may have had some attachment to being a certain way and giving people what they wanted. I would probably have felt trapped. It seems there is an enormous amount of pressure to keep going once you get to a certain level of fame and attention. I related very much to the scene in the Amy doc when she is onstage and just cannot do it, and also to the pain Curt Cobain was in when he talked about how he wanted to stop but could not. I understand the pressure of feeling like you have to but you can’t. I would have not done well in that position and have genuine gratefulness that I was never put there. Sometimes not getting what you want is because there is a greater gift coming your way, one you cannot yet conceive. I got to move on from that certain persona and scene and way of life and get to the next place and the next, which I am so thankful for. Moving through everything I moved through got me here. And I love being here. I am so sorry for the ones who did not make it.

We are allowed to stop. It is not as important as you think. Get support. There are great surprises down the road. You are loved. 

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