Friday, August 7, 2015

Preschool graduation

Preschool graduation was today. My daughter woke at 5:55 this morning and woke me and I was unable to get back to sleep. Then the nap I depend upon for the strength to do this job each day did not happen when my son woke and did not go back to sleep. No one wanted to sleep but me. AND I knew that by he end of the long graduation after-party, which would go till after 8pm, I would be wrecked and I would have two really tired kids on my hands. Also, I had an extra hour when we would normally be sleeping to now have to entertain my son. I felt terrified of how to proceed and where my strength would come from, terrified that I simply would not be able to parent today. Then all the feelings came rushing in.,,,

Of course I was super emotional today, I was  saying goodbye to this part of my life, a routine, friends, families,  and memories of  my girl going from being a real baby in diapers to a kid ready for public school. My girl is growing up and the benchmarks are bittersweet.

Also I had recently found this photo of myself in kindergarten and I was going to post it on line but I realized it was way too personal, this image of a fragile little kid that I look at and see so much pain and confusion and terror.  Seeing my daughter blossom in such a loving environment somehow bumped into some part of my past and the little girl that I was at that age and that brought up so much grief and mourning.

I have learned that sleep deprivation is the time to get in touch with god, or whatever that thing is called. When I can’t sleep at night, there is nothing else to do but connect. And I always try to remember that not getting to sleep means I am SUPPOSED TO connect. I am not doing it on my own, so universe provides the opportunity for me. So with the extra time that I would have slept through, I let my son entertain himself with some toys and I just moved through all the giant feeling and sobbed and called a dear friend and got support around my past sadness and my need for sleep and I got the ever needed fix of empathy. I got all of the emotions out of the way so that I could be present for the big day.

I have written about this before. Whenever a big life event happens, we are lucky if there is a bump in the road so that we can sob and process and thus be clear and present for the event. So my bump came in the unfortunate form of sleep deprivation to the max which left me looking like an old lady, or certainly not my best. So I threw on some oversized sunglasses and some lipstick and faked  it till I made it.  

I am so proud of all the kids gradating today and all the hard work shared with their families over these last three years. Congratulations to us all, we did it! I had a beautiful time being with so many dear friends watching our proud strong kids grow up a little more.

I have this single somewhere,

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