Thursday, August 20, 2015

some things change, some stay the same

So there are shortcomings that I work on, like the fact that I am a hyper-reactive person. So, if someone honks at me I am in the fight, “Oh yeah, Mother F*cker?” The reason is my programming, the goal is to let it slide off my back and the reality is that I go there in a flash, but I reel it back in faster and faster over the years. I can notice the reaction and stop it in almost as fast a flash as it started. One day, maybe, I will not take the bait. Maybe there are rare occasions where I don’t. It is a continuous work in progress that I participate in.

Then there are things that I will never try to change, it just is who I am and while the trait may not serve me, it is not a priority, like the fact that I have a difficult time in social situations, particularly around groups of strangers. It is not fun for me. I do not feel comfortable. I dread mixers where I am meeting all kinds of new people, or hanging around lots of mild acquaintances, for example when all the school parents get together. Yuck, it is a big anxiety fest. It is so much easier to write about my vulnerability here than be present when meeting a whole bunch of nice new people. The reason, I do not care why, the goal, I have none. I just grit my teeth and go when I have to. It always works out fine and I make new friends through no fault of my own and I still dread it. Thank you to all the socially competent people in the world who are generous to the inept ones. I appreciate it.

Ps, I am unable to handle one more thing right now, so cut it out universe, I am so done. There is no capacity left. Lighten the load. Lets chill to the beautiful sounds of Althea and Donna…..Love is all I bring…

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