Last night everything went to hell. I was cranky and
tired and got imperfect news from the doctor, “nothing to panic about but keep
an eye on it” and that little tidbit planted the OMG!!! SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS
GOING TO HAPPEN seed that was dying to make its way through the dark earth to
bloom into a giant tree. All that was happening without me knowing it.
Alas when my daughter freaked out and grabbed my arm
in anger, I forgot all about playful parenting and doing a hammy goofy voice
saying “you’re in big trouble now, kiddo,” and letting it all dissolve in
giggles. Instead the volcano blew and I was screaming and stomping and punching
the bed and she was screaming and the little one was crying and everything
exploded for a while until we mended and went to bed. We always mend but this
particular day I was so out of sorts that I had to fake it till I made it
because I was so mad and out of my head and it was really hard for me to get
back to my heart. So I pretended and put the kids to bed in peace and was left
with all the feelings of anger and despair. Urg, horrific.
Today I was talking with a friend and remembered that
many of us think that our path is the very worst one. I wish that I was anyone
other than the asshole who screams at her kids. But alas, that is my path.
There are reasons I do it, good ones, and part of my path is healing the wounds
that lead me down that path, having empathy for myself when I go there, and
learning how to mend. I have taught my daughter that we all have big feelings
and that I still love her even when she has big feelings and even when I have
big feelings, and that we always come back to love and mend. She sees me model
it with her and with my husband and she too asks to mend when she loses it. My
path is my path, this is the work I have to do and it is not that bad after
all. Indeed it is quite lovely to hear her say “Mommy I want to mend.”
Still last night was bleak bleak bleak, hard to bear.
Then today, everything changed. The day was great. Miracles abounded. And I
made some playtime and without me prompting it my daughter decided to play a
game where she gets really really mad and yells. She would “fake” yell and say
all these half sentences and dissolve into puddle of giggles and then I would
do the same. It was a brilliant rewriting of the script and a great healing
moment. I was so proud of her and her instincts and we had a great day and
Also, I must acknowledge that one of my dreams came
true today. I got something that I wanted for a long long time. It was
brilliant and I have such gratitude. It was a miracle along the lines of the
parting of the red sea ala The Ten Commandments, cinematically unforgettable and just plain remarkable!
Everything can change at the drop of a hat. Don’t quit
before the miracle. You have no idea what is just around the bend. Keep you
heart open to mending. Joy to the world!