Friday, October 16, 2015

84: may my death be grand

I like to think of myself as invincible and fearless. I will start out by saying loud and clear that I have been proved wrong on more than one occasion. Still, I hold on to my story.

When I was trying to become a mother, I never even considered that I might be “too old”. Preposterous! The doctors would scowl at my age and I would roll my eyes at them. What do they know. In the end, I was “old enough” for it to not work enough times for me to chose adoption and what a gift that was. I cannot imagine having a different baby than the one I got, wouldn’t trade it for the world. Alas, the gifts that come with tragedy always blow my mind- even if things don’t go according to my plan I know it will all be perfect. Still, I have a plan.

My vision for myself is to grow old and stay very healthy. I plan on being 100 and then some, happy and with all my faculties intact. I know I will die someday, but I cannot believe it will happen for a really long time. I used to have a fantasy that when I got to be 100+ and things started to fail, that I would jump into the Niagara River and go over the falls to my chosen death. I let go of that for many years and recently it came rushing back to me. I still hold it as a possibility.

Visualization is a tool used by very successful people. Sometimes when I am in a turbulent plane and I feel fear rise up in me I visualize my self at 100 sitting by my pool with my long white hair next to my healthy white haired husband and our white old cats and our grown children. It reminds me that I am not going to die on that plane, because I am going to be growing old somewhere in the future.

Anyway, I may be wrong, this may be impossible, but I like to have visions that just might help shape my life and one vision is that no matter how I die, I want to be really present and enjoy the whole experience. If I go over the falls I want to do it thrilled, like I am riding a rollercoaster. If I fall from a great height, I want to experience flying and feel free and happy until the crash that i won’t feel because I will be gone instantaneously. If I am lost at sea I want to play in the waves and swim with the dolphins. And if the circumstances are less than perfect, I hope to transcend my body and be present and grateful for every last breathe, in and out, in and out, thank you, thank you , thank you and see everything there is to see and feel everything there is to feel and go with a big fat smile. May my death be grand.

however things transpire, as dear Mark Twain said, "Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." peace out.

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