Monday, October 5, 2015

95. Yep, I will be 50 with a two year old.

The period called the “terrible twos” by some people is really hard. As my son gets his will but lacks any reason I am keenly aware that the sweet spot has ended and I am in for some serious work in the coming year. It has barely started and already I am terrified. In fact I had the fleeting thought the other day that I should go on medication for a year until he starts preschool. Although that is a realistic option for some people, it would not work with my constitution. I have never been on medication and I am so averse to putting anything into my system that I barely take aspirins. But I can’t help loving the idea of taking a magic pill to fix everything. I loved the fantasy that I could avoid the “going  through it” part of life and just have the easy part. AS if.

The truth is that it is much easier to be a decent mom (or do anything) when I am not under stress. I try to get enough sleep and all but some things are out of my control. When my daughter was born we were under extraordinary pressure, due to outside circumstances. Urg I was a raw nerve for almost two years and then a frazzled nerve after that.  And that affected the whole family. Every member suffered as we imperfectly navigated our way through the challenges

Now as my son enters the challenging period I notice that I have a much greater capacity to deal with things. He can lose his mind about something and instead of being triggered by the shrieks and screams and all the bells and whistles, I can be so calm in the face of difficulty. What an amazing gift. I wish I had the serenity and fortitude for my daughter’s early years, but we did our best and I am just so appreciative to have it now. Gratitude Gratitude Gratitude.

And compassion. Sometimes we get dealt an unfair hand and it sucks. I write this thinking about my daughter and to remind myself that it is not personal. We do the best we can. Sometimes people behave in ways we do not understand because there are other factors at play that we may never know about. I don’t always know what heavy burdens other people carry or why they do what they do. Love on.

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