At one point, decades ago, in this magical world I was
living in a very black space. I had days where I did not speak to anyone, not
because I did not want to connect but because I did not know how. I could not.
I had no one to reach out to. My relationship had ended and my good friend had
moved away and I knew nothing about life,. I had gone from living at home in
high school to living on my own in college, without any real knowledge of how
to do that.I just coasted in on a
wave and then I found myself, sucker punched, alone without a clue, stranded on
the desert island that I had somehow created, so lonely, and I had to figure
out what to do next.
The difference between me and many of these mass
shooters was that I was not angry at the world or the opposite sex or people
who had more money pr popularity than me. I wasn’t blaming anyone or seeking
vengeance but I was just as alone. Isolation is a deadly self inflicted
wound.One you want to get
immediate medical attention for.
I was really trying. I wanted to connect with this guy
that I thought would save me but it did not happen, so I left the dry desert
and went where it was warm. I hooked up with a guy that liked me. I liked him
back, thought he was great looking and ignored everything else. He moved in on
our first date pretty much.(There
are 2 kinds of people in the world, the ones who have also moved in with
someone on the first date and the ones who are mystified or horrified by that
idea.) Connection is a survival instinct and until I learned how to do it
healthy I did it imperfectly.Some
times we connect by moving in or sometimes promiscuity serves the same purpose
without the pros and cons of a roommate. Anyway, thank god for all of those
lovely creatures that helped me connect over that time. Thank you to you all. I
hope you are happy. Fake it till you make it, do whatever it takes. God bless.