Sunday, October 4, 2015

96, I’m gonna cry 96 tears


At one point, decades ago, in this magical world I was living in a very black space. I had days where I did not speak to anyone, not because I did not want to connect but because I did not know how. I could not. I had no one to reach out to. My relationship had ended and my good friend had moved away and I knew nothing about life,. I had gone from living at home in high school to living on my own in college, without any real knowledge of how to do that.  I just coasted in on a wave and then I found myself, sucker punched, alone without a clue, stranded on the desert island that I had somehow created, so lonely, and I had to figure out what to do next.

The difference between me and many of these mass shooters was that I was not angry at the world or the opposite sex or people who had more money pr popularity than me. I wasn’t blaming anyone or seeking vengeance but I was just as alone. Isolation is a deadly self inflicted wound.  One you want to get immediate medical attention for.

I was really trying. I wanted to connect with this guy that I thought would save me but it did not happen, so I left the dry desert and went where it was warm. I hooked up with a guy that liked me. I liked him back, thought he was great looking and ignored everything else. He moved in on our first date pretty much.  (There are 2 kinds of people in the world, the ones who have also moved in with someone on the first date and the ones who are mystified or horrified by that idea.) Connection is a survival instinct and until I learned how to do it healthy I did it imperfectly.  Some times we connect by moving in or sometimes promiscuity serves the same purpose without the pros and cons of a roommate. Anyway, thank god for all of those lovely creatures that helped me connect over that time. Thank you to you all. I hope you are happy. Fake it till you make it, do whatever it takes. God bless.

2 comments:

  1. #word...funny how the outside life can change and still the inner flash floods of old feelings can rush through at times

    ReplyDelete
  2. #word...funny how the outside life can change and still the inner flash floods of old feelings can rush through at times

    ReplyDelete