I am playing my first show in 6 years on Saturday and I really do not want to do it.
I should not be writing about it because once I write it I cannot take it back. I cannot call in sick and cancel the show. You will all know my vulnerabilities. Oh well. I am human. Now you know.
Terror, I feel terror about performing.
Let me start form the beginning. For years I played guitar and fronted in an aggressive punk band. It was amazing but it was all done without structure or technique. I never warmed up or knew what I was going to do. There was an element of brilliance there, I quality I look for when I see other artists. Very controlled work is often boring to me, even when displaying amazing technical talents. I love the magic that appears in raw edgy chaos. But in that place there was also an element of not being connected to my true self, which is what being out of control is all about.
I worked for years to relearn music and do it in a very present way and I did some touring and recording and that was a whole other thing with some amazing aspects to it, but it was always challenging to put myself out there. I had to face many demons everytime I got on stage, demons I always had, but never had to acknowledge before, and it was so much work. It always ended fun, but it was also really hard and scary at first.
So I was happy not to play all these years. I was not missing anything and I am not even sure why I said yes to this show in the first place, ala, but here I am.
The very day I booked the show I changed my mind and wanted to cancel out of fear, a fear which is pretty oppressive. But I didn’t cancel, I just sat with the feelings. Urg.
Anyway, I am playing sat morn at 11:15 at the Ivan Hoe Down. Not many people will even be there. (private message me if you do not know where that is but want to be there). My ego wants you to know that I was invited to play the prime spot, but I will be at Dia de los Muertos at that time so I took the morning spot. I am fond of my time slot because Black Sabbath played around that time at Live Aid. It is a classy slot.
Anyway, I decided to play the show not because I wanted to overcome my fear or get back into playing shows but because I wanted to be a role model. As women, we really have a responsibility to do our creative work and make it public, because as much as the world has changed, it is still mostly men in bands and men writing songs and men making films and writing stories about boys and men and we need to represent the other side. So I am doing it for my girl. I am representing. And when I look at it that way, I can do anything. I still might feel oppressive terror, but I can look that fear in the eye and do it anyway, because I have bigger fish to fry. I have to represent for my girl. I am still in terror, but what else is new.
Please swing by if you are in los angeles.
Be of service, be a role model. Do something outside of your comfort zone. REPRESENT.