Friday, November 6, 2015

2 profound things/why aren't you different part II

My mom is in town and all kinds of things are coming up and shifting. You can read more about it from yesterday

Anyway, the two things I wanted to add are that I had booked my mom a place to stay in the neighborhood and before I booked it I told her about it and told her it was not refundable. I really wanted her to be close by so she could be of help to me with the 2 kids in the morning and after dinner when I really need it.

When she got to the place she said she would not stay there for various reasons that did not make sense to me but did to her. It was really upsetting to me but I accepted the financial loss and accepted that she needed to do what she needed to do. Urg, it was such an excruciating costly lesson, booking a non-refundable room for her was a mistake. It really helped me get clear about my expectations. I did not beat myself up over the mistake. I just accepted that I made a mistake, all in the name of longing for her to be something I wanted her to be, which she isn’t. I feel like that incident really drove home for me my part in this equation. I just kept hearing a voice say “you do not have to go down the old road right now.” I felt it being shouted from the mountaintop. “Let go of the expectations and illusions and be in reality, kiddo. Its time.” Although it was a massive and impressive shift, it was also easy and casual. Hmmmmm.

The other really interesting thing that happened was that I took a chance and suggested we do this thing together that I learned in trauma recovery. When I was in court over my daughter it was an almost unlivable experience. I learned how to process and survive the trauma of it by doing various bodywork techniques. One thing that helped was having my brain stem held to calm my nervous system. It was a way to access the ancient reptilian part of the brain and let it know that everything was ok. I showed my husband how to do it and each night for months we would talk turns holding each other’s brainstem for five minutes. I know it kept me sane and grounded and I might venture to say that I think it kept me alive.

So I had the idea that if my mother and I did this exercise to each other maybe it would calm some of the old traumatic energy that inevitably comes up when we are in close proximity. I was actually scared to ask her because it is an intimate thing to do and that is scary. Anyway, I did and she agreed and actually wants to do it. So I will keep you posted.

Break your denial and take risks. If I can do it you can do it.

No comments:

Post a Comment