Sunday, November 15, 2015

54: fallout

I am so tired and beat up after this course of events. I was barely able to write last night. My plan was to jot down a line about how bad I felt and then I realized that I needed to explain why and that lead me to telling the story of Nick Alexander, my friend who was killed by the terrorists at the nightclub in Paris
After the first line I knew that the post needed to be only about him and nothing else and somehow writing gave me the strength to tell the story. And I was happy that my writing helped a few people.

The part I left out is that I am haunted by the idea of my smiling friend mowed down by a machine gun. It is too overwhelming to fully accept. I have not directly known anyone who was murdered (that I can recall at this moment). I have felt like I have the flu. I had chills, body ache and an imagined fever and it is hard to parent, or even eat. I feel unable to change a fucking diaper. My husband let me sleep till noon yesterday but today I had to participate more and it is exhausting. Grief is a long process. My experience is minor compared to what his family and loved one’s are going through, and so many families in Paris and the world. I am sending love and empathy to all affected. Love to all around the world.

1 comment:

  1. This is part of what I wrote yesterday: "All day I'm carrying this heavy weight around. Life, work, everything continues as before, but something inside me is different..."
    I was talking to a friend tonight about how I feel and said how this is so much worse for people closer to Nick. She stated that it's not about how close or how far or what's worse. We're affected because Nick has a space in our heart and because the way it happened, the whole event is so shocking. She said it brings her to tears eventhough she doesn't know any of the victims. This is grief and it does take time. Thanks for your posts, they help me. Priscilla