Tuesday, November 17, 2015

making life itself

So at one point I was doing fertility when we were trying to have a baby. I had been confident that there was no such thing as a biological clock when it came to me. I was shocked that I did not just get pregnant when we decided to try, but alas, I wound up doing three rounds of in vitro to try and make a family.

All kinds of things happened when I would go to see my doctor, which was quite often. There was the earthquake I mentioned. There was also this gorgeous person who had the same name as my sister who I would see signed in when I would go. I loved seeing my sister’s name on the list. It made me feel safe, like she was there with me. I took it as a sign that I was on the right path. One day this beautiful woman comes up to me (the one who has my sister’s name, though I did not now it yet) and I figure she was going to tell me that we had the same last name but actually she recognized me from the neighborhood, and had no idea we had the same last name. We became good friends.

When you do in vitro fertilization, a doctor takes your eggs out of your body and fertilizes them in a petri dish. When the embryos grow to a certain stage, the doctor put them back into your body, into your uterus in the hopes they will thrive.
They give you a valium to relax you for the procedure. I only took half and I was as floppy as a rag doll and as giddy as a child. I could not stand or walk and I just kept laughing hysterically.

The amazing part is that the doctor has to steer a catheter loaded with your embryos into your uterus and so she uses an ultrasound monitor to show her the path. When she gets to the right spot she transfers them by squirting the embryos out of the catheter. They are microscopic but on the monitor you see the fluid they are contained in shoot into the void and dance across the screen like a shooting star in the elegant universe. It is such a beautiful moment, so much potential, so much hope, so much possibility.

The woman with my sister’s was in the waiting room and President Obama was being sworn into office on tv as they told me I had miscarriaged. HOPE. Loss. Life. And many many feeling later, fate. It all works out the way it supposed to. I have the most perfect and amazing two kids in the world.  Enjoy the amazing ride.

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