Friday, November 6, 2015

why aren’t you different?

so I will finally write about what is going on. My mother is visiting and I have a challenging relationship with my mother. She could not give me what I needed as a kid and it left me needy. She did the best she could but she just could not give me what I needed and I always wanted her to be this other mommy.

I was not sure how to write about it since she can and does read this (hi mom!) so i just decided to be honest about my feelings. that is the most productive way to communicate anyway- say how you feel,  what is going on with you, without talking about or making assumptions about the other person. anyway, i am not saying anything i have not said to her.

We have both done considerable work on our selves and our relationship but when I am with her this big old energy still comes up and I can go to “why aren’t you different?” It is a longing, demanding, frustrating, and sometimes enraging place. It is also a blaming and judgmental place. A real drag for everyone involved that contains no solution, only problem.

So as she visits, I am gald to have her here and it is super challenging. We acknowledge and even talk about the energy between us. This visit had been the most transformative for me, the lightest, the easiest. I am very present and observing it all without engaging so far, day 4. I am just in the truth and in empathy for me and for her. It is just part of the relationship that is hard to live with and hard to live without.

No one can be different for us, no matter what we want. The only way out of the sand trap is through acceptance, urg. And self empathy. I am giving a lot of love to the little kid who really wanted something else, because she deserved it and because that kid is still a big part of me. Acceptance does not mean white wash everything, it means experiencing all of the feelings and then acting appropriate to “what is”- separating the child from the adult- the old from the new- the longing from the reality. It can be the spiritual work of a lifetime or just something you learn to do. My little girl inside wishes she had been a different mother. I get it. I am sorry. Peace. 


  1. Holly, this post came for me at exactly the right moment. I feel like in many ways I could have written it myself about my relationship with my own mother. At the moment, she is not returning any of my phone calls because the last time we spoke she was trying to get me to take her side against my sister and I asked if she could just not put me in the middle. That was about 3 months ago. I have continued to leave her a message about once a week, just letting her know that I am here but the fact that she can go three months without calling me hurts. And it also in some ways feels good to just not have to deal with her. And that good feeling makes me feel guilty. Thank you for the honesty with which you always write. I don't always comment, but I always read, and it often helps. Peace.

    1. Thanks for reading and writing! xh