Sunday, January 31, 2016


There is no power in my entire neighborhood and other parts of the city. That is what a little rainstorm can do in Los Angeles.

I am loving the switch up of routine. We did the kids bath by candle light and I have no internet and am not even able to post this till things get fixed, which we have no idea of when that will be. The lights have been out since 2 pm. It is now 8 pm. 

I am not making lunch or setting the clock for the morning because I don't know if there is school and I will deal with it when I wake, naturally, not by alarm. No reason to push or worry. 

There are plenty of flashlights and candles here. I can open the back door and cold crisp air hits my face and I  see lots of star without any light interference, just some cloud interference. The refrigerator is cold and we are not opening it, so the food will last a good while. This  ipad is running out of batteries so I am going to meditate and read a book and relax by candlelight on a rainy night, what a joy!

OH NO, AS I  TYPED THE LIGHTS JUST CAME ON! What a drag. Now i have to make lunch. Alas, here we go back to normal.....

Saturday, January 30, 2016

ricardo inferno again?

too tired to write so i am posting a classic from sept 2009, from a erased blog due to legal issues. So happy that that is all over:

Today I saw a young skinny guy walking down the street with no shirt on, tight oily suit pants sitting low on his hip, one size too small, maybe two. The pants were a gentleman’s grey plaid, tight and tapered on the leg, with the skinny cuff hitting above the ankle, real 1960’s vintage cut.  He wore old leather shoes with no socks and his messy hair hadn’t been washed in a while. His naked pale hairless chest wasn’t going to stay white for much longer in the dessert sun. The look was classic, brilliant really. A young Ricardo Inferno came to mind, that’s how I heard Giorgio Gomelsky refer to Richard Hell once. I miss seeing those types. This guy needed to get himself back to New York, but I was real glad he was visiting.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Who would have ever thought that I would get good at Black Tie?

Tonight I am going to the Eddie Awards, Black Tie. Tom is nominated and is a presenter with J.K. Simmons and Damien Chazelle. 

I did not go to my high school prom, so last year’s Eddie Awards, at 49 years old, was my first Black Tie, my first formal, my first evening gown. My wedding dress was self-designed cotton mini and I did a few trashy ripped up gown things in clubs, but that is way different. Anyway, it was a good dress rehearsal for last year’s Oscars.

I had no idea what I was doing. I had a dear friend who happens to be a stylist and she was helping me with questions. I had such a hard time wrapping my head around what an appropriate evening shoe was, and they seemed to go against all of my sensibilities. I was used to dressing according to my taste everyday of my life. For decades I had not worn clothes that I did not like or did not feel good in for work, play or going out. Also years of working in clubs, particularly in the 90’s when Drag was such a big influence, colored my idea’s about dress up, so being “appropriate” was difficult, to say the least.

Anyway, last year, I made it through picking clothes for two Black Ties plus the “California beach party” look for the Indie Spirits, the Ari Emanuel Cocktail party, and the Oscars brunch with Oprah! I did ok and I learned a lot.

So tonight is a piece of cake. I am doing semi formal ¾ length because that passes at this event and it look better on me and feels better. I have learned to love a good evening shoe and am wearing an actual heel, not a wedge for the first time in decades. My stylist friend was shocked and thrilled. I did not try to make that happen, it just happened naturally .Expansion is the natural results of experience.

I’ll say that again, because it is so true, more than in this silly fashion post, but in all of life: Expansion is the natural results of experience. All of these things that we go through serve us by increasing our capacity to handle things. Do you feel that?


how appropriate:

Thursday, January 28, 2016

transgender policy...

I cannot tell you how happy I am about the Olympics changing their official policy regarding transgender athletes. Transgender athletes are now able to compete in their gender’s events without having gender reassignment surgery, but only need one year of hormone therapy. They also can self declare their gender, no longer needing a legal document. The organization sighted expenses as part of the reason for the change because many transgender people cannot afford the surgery. They also mentioned that not everyone wants the surgery and that genitalia doesn’t affect performance. I am blown away by the progressiveness.

This is incredible progress on the equality front taken by an organization that is looked to for leadership. The world is watching. Grow world grow.

I have more to say, but you will have to come back tomorrow. xh

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

just like that blue bird...

Wow, today I got contacted by a soul, a friend, who had brutally passed away. I was meditating, trying to stay awake and present, certainly not trying to speak with any souls or even thinking about any such stuff, but there was a voice that kept calling to me. I tried to push it away like I would a thought that tried to interrupt my meditation but it persevered and said it was important. So I allowed it. I figured that maybe this is why we meditate, to hear what is important.

So they told me that they really loved me and while I first figured it was crush type love, they were very clear that is was universal unconditional capitol L Love, the kind you bask in, feel into, heal with, and transform from. They told me a few things about stuff that was on my mind and it was clear that they were better off than I or we could ever imagine or hope for. They were beaming with love and light and warmth and a smile.

They said that they were in an amazing place, incredible really. That they could “see” everything now, the hows and the whys and that every thing was... “right”, or oh so very unimportant. They said that where they were now was so very “different” than this reality we live in here and that there really were no words to properly describe it, but the words that I will use to describe what I was sensing are: free and transcendent.

They went on to remind me to feel the love that I have in my life right now, that it is so special.

I do not take this lightly. I have been contacted once before and it was quite profound ( I write this tentatively because it is scary to be vulnerable, but I write about it it because it was given to me so generously and that makes me want to share it with the world. What else are we here for? To buy things and look good?

Feel the love that is in your life right now, it is so special.

Love you all. Wishing you the bluest skies. Peace out Xh

Not sure if you would have cared for this tune while on earth but this is the song that came to me….the "heart and soul" part...

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

let someone else do it...

my pal Christine Martin posted this quote today and i am sharing it as my daily blog tonight because it is too good not to:

Quotes from Maharishi on the transition at the point of death:

“When someone dies, it is because at that point their karma has become insurmountable in the present body. It is not possible to understand had to come when it did and there is certainly no point in assuming responsibility and guilt. The course of action is unfathomable. However, especially for someone on the path of speedy evolution, the transition is purely evolutionary. They go the celestial realms, or are reborn almost immediately.
When life leaves the body, it is the breath leaving, like transcending. For one who has been accustomed to this experience for many years, the transition is easy, painless and blissful, not catastrophic. Dropping the body is like letting a bird out of its cage.
Grief is natural. At first when grief is deep and sharp, these emotions of the family and friends allow the soul to feel that they were loved very deeply. It is also natural that the grieving should taper off, allowing the soul to feel that their passing was not a drag on the life of their beloved ones, and that they are free to move on to their destiny. It is important to feel positivity and support for the departed soul wherever they may be, because our attitude affects their evolution.”
“When a person who is a Sidha... ...if it is time to leave the body... this moment it is so much easier... ...One bursts in to bliss when one stops thinking.
The mind bursts into awareness and the habit of transcending takes over. This is what transforms the experience into unbounded awareness and the mind does not come back to the relative.
In fact it is not such a terrible thing. It is quite a Holy Occasion. We accept the Will of God and surrender to it. When death comes we just dive through it like when a wave comes on the shore.”

love on, my friends

Monday, January 25, 2016

in the past I would have lost my mind

Today I went to get my son’s social security number. I waited for an hour and a half and I got to the window with all of my documents in order. The man behind the counter was confused about my son’s gender and kept calling him a her and then said I needed to have other documents with her name on it, which I knew I already had. Then I saw that I had brought my daughter’s birth certificate instead of his.

In the past I would have lost my mind over such an incident. I did not have the capacity to handle common silly burdens plus bureaucracy plus mistakes, my mistakes. Today I was certainly annoyed but it was easy to walk away knowing I had to do it again tomorrow, knowing I messed up and did not get to go to yoga and got nothing accomplished. Oh well. Oh mercury in retrograde, really? Try again tomorrow.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

John, I'm only dancing

Did I ever tell you about how it was illegal to dance in New York City? Some of you who were there remember. Giuliani took office and started enforcing these “blue” laws, originally made to enforce religious standards that had been on the books since prohibition but had not been enforced in decades. One said that you could dance in establishments on the avenues, the commercial streets that ran north and south, but not in venues on the “streets” which were the ones that were numbered, or parallel to the numbered streets, which ran easy to west.

He was on a campaign to clean up the quality of life in New York and used those laws to shut down noisy businesses when possible.

My grandmother, by the way, who happened to go dancing at the original Peppermint Lounge, which was on 45th street, a numbered street, but was run my a crime family so it was probably immune to the laws…, she used to work during prohibition, bringing moonshine to the cops and the firemen. Her caretaker used to brew the liquor in the bathtub in an apartment on the upper west side.

So it was only natural that I would work as a dj and business partner throwing dance parties on a street that ran east to west, which was eventually targeted by the whole Giuliani mess. Coney Island High happened to be on Saint Marks Place, so you could not get a more commercial “street”, but indeed they tried to keep us from dancing there.

As I have written before there was a “kill switch” at the top of the stairs where you entered the club, so everyone danced all night long and if a police raid came in the door at the bottom of the stairs, someone would hit the switch which would change the music playing in the club by the DJ to piped in loungy undanceable sounds, and immediately kill the vibe and make all the dancers leave the dance floor to go get a drink or something. By the time the cops got to the dance floor there was no dancing, thus the shut downs were mostly avoided.  This was New York City in the mid nineties.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

I filled them in on the last 30 years in about 300 words

This week I wrote a note to someone I had not really spoken with in 30 years or so. I filled them in on the last 30 years in about 300 words. 10 words a year. I wasn’t really thinking about it, I just said hi and hit the keys.

Actually it was a great exercise to see what came out, what I valued, which was colored slightly by my relationship to them, but still, it was pretty clear. I wrote about my bands and my family-kids and husband, with a nod to some jobs and my blog.

I also mentioned tom’s oscar, because that still blows my mind. Keep it simple


Friday, January 22, 2016

drags and miracles...time really will expand for you...

Ok I am going to be a drag, but then it gets really really good in the end, as in you really might want to remember this….

So this week was devastatingly painful. Something happened socially with my kid which I can’t go into due to privacy issues, but ouuuccccchhhh! Kid is fine, I’m still recovering.

Other than that, and combined with that, I have been in pain around being a parent. I adore being a mom and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but there are parts that are really lonesome, isolating, boring and somewhat depressing. I am in it alone at times and friends cannot relate to parts or even help really. 

More specifically, I am in the part where I have a toddler who I have to watch every second and it is hard to finish a sentence and many of my other friends have kids past that point and I am just excluded from things. Tat is part of life. But for me, my “old story” had alot of pain around exclusion and the current course of events kicks up many painful feelings. No ones fault. Still ouchy!

So I am lucky to have beautiful healthy kids and great friends but sometimes I am very alone in it and no one can really help. It is just an inside job. I have been in that ache all week and some social events have just made it worse. I will be ok but, like many things in life, I have to ride through it and do the work myself and no one can fix it for me, and it is not fun at all. It hurts and it is scary and I want to run away from my feelings, but that never works…so here I am.

On top of that, I will add that MERC IN RET is not helping. Yep. Mercury is in retrograde and that can make accomplishing things hard. I left the house to go to yoga (which i really needed to help me through my pain) and had a flat tire. My cell phone screen became unreadable and I had no phone (at a time when i needed support, i got more isolation) and when I got one, I lost a ton of contacts, all of my playdates this week cancelled (which is so disappointing to the kid), a week when I needed them….bla bla bla.

Ok, done.

Here is the good news. Stick around to the end for the great news that might serve you.…

Lost phone contacts but in trying to recover them I got back a bunch of vital phone numbers that I had lost “for good” last year and now I have your number again!! Yay!!

Seconds after leaving my car to be fixed I ran into dear friends on a random block in hollywood, who were kind and comforting.

My friends WANT to help me through this icky patch, even if they can’t. I do have great friends even if my old story of exclusion is up-old story is not really true.

Play dates got cancelled but I managed to replace them with better ones.

So I keep pushing through, trudging on, it is all going to be ok.

Then, I was told by a great friend (I never knew this), that Mercury in retrograde indeed mucks up the pipes (is that an expression?), but also is great for creativity. Mercury is returning to finish things that have not been finished, like the way a ghost comes back to work out the issues of the deceased. A great time to heal an old wound, yes? So it has purpose.  Things are getting worked out here.

Lastly, my pals, thanks for sticking around to the end…the great miracle I wanted to tell you all about is that as busy and crazy as I am, I am rehearsing with my band, which I love, and somehow I actually have time to be in a band. I have felt like there is no time to do anything and yet, because I am taking action in a positive direction, for myself, time is expanding for me.

Time expands for us when we do things for ourselves. 

Time expands for us when we dare to take some time and do something for ourselves. 

Time will expand for you to do that thing you need and want to do but don’t do because you do not have enough time. 

This is a miracles that I want to model for you. The enlightened world says it happens but it is so hard to believe that stuff when you are in the grind, but it is true. Time expanded for me, it will for you, too. Just do it.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

they saw a larger than life giant photo of me in a store window

one time my boyfriend’s band was on tour in japan and the band had a day off and went out sightseeing. My boyfriend stayed back at the hotel to get some sleep. When the rest of the guys came back they told him about how they saw a larger than life giant photo of me in a store window. No one had camera phones back then so there are no photos. I remembered having Terry Richardson shoot some photos of me in clothes by a Japanese designer. It was a silly non paying thing, shot in my apartment. I met the designer but forget her name. I have no idea what the photo looked like. I hope it was good. I will probably never know.

There are so very many things we will never even know about. A mere few are revealed to us in this lifetime. And then there are the millions of ridiculous coincidences that let us know just a little….

I had a hard week. I am not sure I can write about it. maybe tomorrow. xxh

gee i loved this song as a young teen..

Wednesday, January 20, 2016


I just read about the nazi war criminal who is 95 years old and going on trial and I double checked a statistic in the article. I saw that 1.1 million people were killed at just one camp over 5 years. When I did the math I saw that that was 600 people a day, every day, for 5 years. I am aware of how devastating the holocaust was, I have read about it in depth. It is not new information to me that the events were beyond terrible. But somehow that statistic makes it even more staggering. How and Why? The number of human beings…. I am speechless.

In light of our current political primaries, I hope the majority of the people of our country prove to be what I believe they are, and not what the media is showcasing.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016


Yesterday I was speaking with some pals and someone told me the most beautiful story of saying I love you to their father on the last day of his life. The story made me cry. I was on my way to leave to get home in time to relieve my baby sitter when they were telling me the story, so I said a quick goodbye and left soon after, tears still flowing from my eyes.

A stranger saw me crying and said, “what happened?” I kept walking past her and without stopping I mentioned that nothing happened, that I just heard a touching story. I did not have to explain myself, but I kind of wanted to gently let her know not to push her assumptions on other people. I am a bit allergic to anyone assuming anything about my feelings.

As I continued on, she ranted about whatever she was projecting on me, not hearing a word I said, even though she asked me. “Don’t cry over a guy, he’s not worth it, blab bla bla.” She blabbed on until I was far enough away not to hear her.

I have to say, she gave me a good laugh. Tears and sentiment gone.

Monday, January 18, 2016

the greendoor outlaw

Today I remembered this story about throwing the greendoor parties at Giorgio Gomelski’s place. We were young and kooky and had no regard for law and order, not in a way that would hurt anyone, just in a carefree way of not taking any thing serious.

When I wrote last week that we were throwing administratively illegal parties, it was because we charged a cover at the door and sold drinks without a proper license and we did not poof anyone. As a young 14 year old, I went to Max’s and the old Pep and no one carded me, it was just how new york was, so it did not seem wrong or strange. We also went afterhours, well past the NY 4am curfew.

We also took ads out in the Voice, giving the date and location of the party and featuring a classic photo of our heros, like Keith Richards, or Thunders, or Bowie with Liz Taylor, photos we thought were cool and conjured up or vibe. In the beginning we never had permission to use the shots, much less run them in the paper. Later, as I got a bit more responsible and mature, I started to worry what a lawsuit might look like and then we only used Bob Gruen’s photos, which he gave us permission to do. He had enough great shots to last forever.

One day, after doing this for years, Jesse called me up to tell me that Giorgio saw the ad in the paper and freaked out, screaming at him  that we cold not advertise these events in the paper, could not put his address in the paper, that it could get him into trouble. Jesse argued back that we needed to promote the event and that we had been doing it for years. I could not believe that h did not know all those years. In the end, there was no resolution, we just continued as we always had.

Part of the appeal was the outlaw element. We weren't trying to do anything wrong, we were just doing our best, all we were capable of. It is shocking that we got away with everything for so long and without incident. Perfect.

Sunday, January 17, 2016


Oh my sweet hero, Martin Luther King. Thank you for your bravery, insight and leadership. Let us all learn from you.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed, we hold these truths to be SELF EVIDENT that all men are created equal.


Saturday, January 16, 2016

power ballad

In 7th grade I had one foot in the underground and one still in the mainstream. I knew about a few cool things but I still listened to the radio. I still liked meat loaf and reo speed wagon hits. I loved power ballads. I will never forget being at a sleep over at friends house with a bunch of pals and we all took turns singing out load and I sang a few lines from this reo speedwagon power ballad, which at the time I thought was great. I picked to sing this one part where I liked the phrasing, it was off and cool and I knew how to make it sound good.  My friends all said I was a great singer. It was the first time I sang out loud in front of anyone.

That song was on an album that my sister’s boyfriend had on cassette and played all the time in his car, which I rode in all the time to go see bands and go to clubs and go to see the Rocky Horror Picture show, and do so many young teenage adventures. It was part of the sound track to my youth, along with so many great songs. I am sure the time came when I was too punk to stand it any more and it got vetoed.

I heard that song today on the radio and realized that my taste hadn’t really changed. The song is awful to me now, but I get what I was attracted to in the phrasing and how i phrase my lyrics in the manner still.

And I LOVE being in my new band and getting to play music and sing and phrase my melodies again!! So fun.

Just do it

Danced till 1am, even though I have to get up early and be a mom, at a mexican bar downtown to a dj spinning punk on vinyl. It might have been the first time i ever danced in a club to Spanish Bombs by the Clash, oh my corazon. I thought of Giorgio and the Greendoor, I thought of Nick Alexander, I thought of Bowie and Lemmy (because the Lemmy Bowie tribute party was too crowded, so we skipped it and went to this place). I even thought of my mother in law, Loc. I know that there is alot of death going around for eveyone right now, I am feeling hard hit. Feeling, Mourning, Celebrating, Trying. Peace.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Giorgio Gomelsky part II

A while back Jesse Malin told me that Giorgio Gomelsky was in the hospital and it was highly unlikely that he would get to go back home. I asked him to send a big hug from me since I was not going to be in NY any time soon. A few days ago I spoke with Jesse again and he suggested I might want to write a letter to Giorgio. Yesterday I thought about what I wanted to say but before I had written anything, I found out that he had passed away. (I heard his death described by those very close to him as “peaceful relief” for him. For that I am so very grateful.)

First, I saw Sharon D'Lugoff’s facebook profile photo, which had been changed to a photo of her and Giorgio, and the thought flashed in my head that he might be gone, but I shut it down because I really did not want it to be true. Please don’t let it be true, please don’t let it be true. I knew but I was in real denial because I selfishly was just not ready. I really did not want to hear the news but in a short period of time my social media went from being all Bowie to being ALL Gomelsky.

Everyone loved and admired this guy and was supported by his generous generous spirit. Everyone was telling the same story and everyone was saying thank you.

The letter I was going to write was also a thank you:

Dear Giorgio,

Thank you Giorgio for having me as a teen at your house and treating me like an equal. Thank you for allowing my band to rehearse at your house.

Thank you for letting me, Howie Pyro and Jesse Malin host our outlaw Greendoor parties at your home for a decade. You fearlessly let us do such loud and administratively illegal events. You took such risk, not for the money, but because the parties served a need in the underground music scene, because they were alive and thriving and fun and they celebrated music.

But mostly, thank you for the time you let me throw a benefit at your place so I could buy a guitar at a time when I was not in the money flow. I was playing acoustic at the time, playing a borrowed guitar and it was too big.

I set up a show at your place and you were so supportive. You invited me to do a residency at your place and you gave me great advice. It meant so much that you offered, that you believed in me, that you supported what I did. I wound up getting the perfect 1967 Gibson LG, which was rare, and just the right size. I will forever think of you when I play that guitar, and when I hear certain songs. Thank you, thank you , thank you.

You were so very loose and cool and you were the only man I know who could rock an ascot. 

Thank you for your heart and soul. You inspire me.

I hold you in my heart and wish you the very best as you soar into your new adventure.

Love forever, Holly 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

To Sir With Love, thank you Giorgio Gomelsky, RIP

Oh fucking hell, I am really sad to say that Giorgio Gomelsky passed away this morning. He was.... way too much to say, so amazing in so many ways... i am incapable right now of writing this... lets just say he was the real deal. 

He was particularly special to me because I spent many formative years around him, going to and then throwing parties at his home, being around him and working with him.

I will write more tomorrow, here is something I wrote on him a few years back….

"In 1991 Jesse Malin, Howie Pyro, and I threw the very first GREENDOOR dance party in Giorgio Gomelsky’s air-condition-less loft on 24th street. That night I taped an old scratchy copy of the 45 Greendoor (what’s that secret your keeping?) onto the outside of the quite unmarked green door on quiet west 24th street to help people find the party. We had no idea what was about to happen. When I left that next morning, the record had been stolen by a fan, and history had been made. 
For over a decade, I would DJ at that space into the wee hours, and then the get on the dance floor and sweat with the masses in an ode to joy of IGGY, the Stones, The Ramones and James Brown, Funkadelic, T Rex, and the Dolls- the greatest music in the world that no one at that time was playing. Our goal was to create a place that we would want to go and so we did. The dress code was to look beautiful and wear as little as possible because it was so hot. By the end of any given night I had destroyed the stunning hair and makeup I had worked so hard on, but my high heels and slip still looked good. Around 6am, while most of us would find some beautiful creature to go home with and catch a cab on 7th avenue back to the east village as the sun came up over manhattan, Giorgio would just go up stairs to his bedroom. This loft, after all, was his home.
Years before, as a 15-year-old I visited that very same place for the first time. It was one of Giorgio’s soup parties. Richard Hell and David Johansen were there, sitting on the steps drinking the soup. We were all together in that magical space. Giorgio was so democratic in that way, bring everyone together as equals, kids and legends. The most memorable part of the evening was hearing Giorgio call Richard Hell “Ricardo Inferno.” I thought it sounded better than his already brilliant name.
I spent a lot of time over at Giorgio’s place. For a while my band Fur use to rehearse at the loft.  One day Giorgio came down and said we were the loudest band that ever played there, louder than the Bad Brains. We took it as a compliment, not getting the hint to turn those Marshalls down….still, he let us play. He let everyone do their thing. He still does.
The Greendoor days were a grand time when life was all about doing nothing and trying everything. We were living to have fun, dress up, dance, appreciate great music and create music. Georgio was the person who gave us the room to let us fly. He rented the space to us for pennies and spent the night participating. He was the channel that allowed things to happen, that allowed artists to do their thing in a supportive space. How nice to have him in your corner, supporting your endeavor. Oh my, if those walls could talk. But they, like me, must protect the guilty. 
Did I mention that Giorgio has also worked with and helped launch the careers of the Rolling Stones and the Yardbirds. I figured you already knew that. His resume is endless. He has been doing interesting things in the music world for over 50 years, long before me and mine, and he is still going strong. The guy’s got endless energy, enthusiasm and youth, really. 
Giorgio is an institution in the underground art and music world. His spirit is so generous, he is fantastically European in his attitude, he is an outlaw of culture, a creator of scenes, an enabler of dreams, a supporter and friend, cool, smart, funny, passionate, 79-years-old and dedicated to the honesty of music. God bless this guy."

My deepest condolences to his family and everyone who was close to him.

Read Part II Here:
read whole article here:

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

keep your electric eye on me babe: thinking about david bowie pt II

I was seven when I first heard Bowie. My cool older cousins had the Diamond Dogs record (god bless them!) and they played it and danced around and sang the words, of which I particularly remember “not sure if you’re a boy or a girl.” He made that issue normal and attractive. I loved it. I was hooked. The world grew that day.

At 12, as I mentioned yesterday, I saw him play Madison Square Garden, (Heros tour)

At 14, I saw Bowie on Broadway in the Elephant Man. I had already seen the show on broadway when it first came around, but had to go back to see Boiwe do it.

I never saw him again in the flesh after that.

I am kind of in awe hearing everyone’s stories about what a gentleman he was, how he handled the room and diffused tension. The fact that he managed to incorporate his death into his art blows me away. Is it possible to control everything with ease and grace? I am surprised to find that his passing is so profoundly inspirational to me. I am inspired to reach further. My world just grew bigger. He makes it look so easy.

Monday, January 11, 2016

"i'll be a rock and roll bitch for you"

In 6th grade I went to Madison square Garden to see David Bowie on the Heros tour. (with my sister and Sheila M!!). Everyone around me was smoking pot and the next day I bragged at school that I got a “contact high.” I had heard my parents use the expression and I thought I was too cool, having seen David Bowie and breathed in pot fumes. The cool boys in the class that I was trying to impress cracked up at how square I was. I was square with the drugs, but not with the sounds. They smoked pot already but they had no idea who David Bowie was.

I hand dyed a tee shirt purple and wrote on it with a permanent black marker “This ain’t rock and roll, this is genocide.” They had no idea. I did. I wore I proudly, it gave me power even if no one else understood.

I lived in manhattan, uptown on 215th street, might as well have been any small town anywhere. We had the heavy ny accent but it was still a place you needed to escape from, it was small in terms of dreams and freedom and life. David Bowie was one of the first of many bands that showed me that there was another way, much bigger and beautifuller and free-er.

Bowie was part of the soundtrack of the whole process, when it did get free-er and beautifuller. A thousand times I danced half dressed in glitter eye makeup to Rebel Rebel while spinning the vinyl, finally blooming.

I just played a show this very weekend in glitter hot pants. “I’ll be a rock and roll bitch for you,” yep. I am inspired again and again.

Man, this man saved millions of us, changed millions of us, inspired millions of us, gave hope, lit the way. And he stayed contemporary, a true artist. Respect to you, sir. I am not sad. I don’t think I am in shock, though I might be, I think I am just in cosmic awe.

Thank you.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Gene Hackman

Did I ever tell you guys (probably) about how when I first met my husband we were so very different that it was hard to find any place to meet, any common ground. We had almost nothing in common. We still are really different with really different tastes, but in the beginning it was hard to navigate the divide. We almost didn't navigate it. day we went to see The Royal Tananbaums, which we both adored, and which is still one of my favorites, ever. Allow me to digress and say how the Gene Hackman's character in that film is one of my favorite characters of all time, probably my most favorite male character.The scene where he says "I'm dying," and then Angelica Houston gets so upset, he says he isn't and then she gets mad and he says he is, brilliant. The character is the charming perfection and personification of "flawed" and he is written and acted flawlessly. J'adore.

Anyway, seeing that film was the turning point, and more than Wes Anderson films, it was Gene Hackman films that became our common ground. The fucking French Connection. Oh, hell yeah, the young priest in the Poseidon Adventure. Young is a funny word since Gene Hackman has always looked middle aged, even now he looks the same age as he always has. The guy is timeless and I adore him for being the place me and my man could meet, find common ground, bond.

So we found this tiny island this sliver and we went from there, learning growing building, blossoming. Imagine my loss if I had not stuck it out, stayed open, tried? It was not easy, but so glad we did it.


Birthday party

Tonight was my birthday party and my new band , OSO MY BRAIN, played. It was such great fun to make music and be with friends. My party was perfect, everything I wanted and everything I could image. Pure fun and love. It doesn't get any better than that.

I am very awre of how lucky I am. Thank you world/universe/whatever. Thank you friends for being there and showing so much love and looking soooo good. Thank you sister for flying in and doing so much to make it perfect. Thank you Tom for making it happen so perfectly.

I did it.

Looking forward...

Friday, January 8, 2016

keep it simple

my sister flew in for my birthday! how f*ing cool.
I saw Patti Smith perform the Horses record, which was interesting on many levels.
I rehearsed with my band.

feel your feelings
make noise
have fun
be the change you want to see


Thursday, January 7, 2016

viva la vida

so today I stepped in dog poop. Yesterday I walked around for I do not know how long with my fly opened. I was wearing tight pants, so the fly was really open. The world ever reminds me to have a sense of humor, because I can easily forget. Anyway, things are great.

So much love pouring at me from every direction today. I had a choir of children sign me happy birthday and I felt like a little kid. It was so sweet. A dear friend brought me a cake, unbearably thoughtful!! Thank you. My little ones gave me so much fun and love and everyone made me feel shiny and special. I got to play with my band and sing and collaborate and I am just blessed, living the dream. Sorry to gush, but what else can I do?

(not that I am going to any time soon, but..) If I die please know I died happy. I lived the fullest most wonderful life that just gets better every day.
Can’t wait to see what happens next….

Living the dream… xxh

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

hours and hours after I was born a black nurse handed me to my mother and said "She gonna be bad."

Today I jogged in the rain (glorious rain!) and sobbed it all out, all the doubt, pain, fear. Goodbye.

When I was born I was whisked away to a nursery. I was not with anyone until hours later when my mother awoke, which is when I was presented, pink and tiny and bathed, with freshly combed baby hair and a bow taped to my head.

I have written this before: The black nurse handed me to my mother and said “She gonna be bad.” That is the entire report of my birth story.

No one knew what time I was born. My mother was heavily drugged for my birth, which was common at the time. My father wasn’t there. My aunt who could be helpful with these type of things was watching my sister. I was devastated because the lack of information only reinforced the fact that no one cared much about me.

Let me just validate that it is unusual for your parents not to know when you were born, and I did have a rough life. However, I also want to say that using things to reinforce the case you’ve built is not a good idea. It would be better to leave it at “no one knew what time I was born”, but for me it was more than that.

So when my friend offered to do my chart and needed my time of birth, I went into a tailspin. (urg, poor baby). I decided to write to the hall of records for my original birth certificate. They offer you a short form birth certificate, which does not have the time of birth on it, and a long form, which does. I paid for the long form and waited.

As is often the case with things that are very loaded, things run amuck. The birth certificate came after weeks of waiting and IT DID NOT HAVE THE TIME OF BIRTH ON IT.

I called frantically until I spoke with someone who could look it up and see that I paid for the long form and correct the issue. They corrected it and I waited endlessly for the new certificate to come in the mail. And finally one day I got my long form with the time of birth and I gave t to the friend who successfully did the chart.

And you know what? Very soon afterwards it all became so unimportant.

I have no idea what time I born. After all that, I forgot what all my research revealed. I have the long form somewhere and I can look it up if I need to, but I don’t need to right now. The journey, not the destination. Peace to all.