I was at a party and everyone started talking about the terrible things that teachers did to them as kids and I always start to feel uncomfortable in those conversations because my stories are always so much worse and also complicated. I always hesitate to speak up because the stories of my youth are all very traumatic, they are stories of terror, terror from the perpetrators in the story, and terror from even before that, core terror from not having a foundation.
I don't want to get into that today. I have written about my life and if you are curious, go mine the blog and you will figure it out. Anyway, I hesitate in those situations because I do not want to be invisible and not join in the conversation, but I also do not want to take the mood down that road.
I chose not to speak, which is fine, but then not speaking can make me feel left out and that can start to put me into a spinout in my mind of being the outsider. all alone, different from everyone else and so much more. Some of that is real, my history is probably different from most of the people I spend time with these days. But there in lies the beauty, I have come such a long way and I am not friends with JUST the outcasts, I have friends from all walks, so sometimes that can feel lonely for a spell, but I am not just my past, I am also my present.
I am really proud of the life I have created for myself. I have people I can tell my traumatic stories to if I need to, I can choose to speak or not, and I have great friends and a great family.
I enter this new year with much gratitude that I am here, that I have survived and come so far, and that I am surrounded by so much happiness and peace.
I wish you all the same.
I write this to remind myself. Love more.