Oh ok, so it boils down to this. I experienced an unfathomable amount of pain as a child growing up. too much to process at the time, too much for a child to handle, to live through. So as a survival technique it got put aside. Smart move, saved my life, but now I have to deal with it.
So I have this reservoir of hurt that gets bumped into on occasion, by really insignificant people, and I get wrecked, devastated, by someone doing some relatively minor shitty thing. I get triggered by incidents that remind me of some core wound. It is brutal, but it is manageable, because I know what it is, after the initial shock of feeling sucker punched. I do not have to self destruct over the pain, I just have to ride the wave to the other side, have lots of empathy and love for that little kid who was so hurt, find a human who can sit with me and love me through the darkness and get over it as fast as possible. No avoiding it, but I do not need to make matters worse either, with self destructive actions, whatever that might be. Don’t fight it feel it. It is just a feeling. It goes away.
Oh and then I get to thank the insignificant person who caused the chain reaction. Not to their face, but silently, thank you for leading me to deeper healing. I usually add an unattractive adjective to their name and then take it back, because it still fells like it is their fault, but it isn’t. I might even conjure some empathy for them, if i feel like it. They probably have their own story going on, god bless.
The story of my life. It is no one’s fault. Don’t fight it feel it. It changes. Love you guys. I wirte this to remind myself and anyone else who wants reminding. Happiness, or at least peace, in right on the other side of going through the feeling. I promise. xxh